Today I sat myself in a tub in my bootleg homemade sensory deprivation tank because my dreams are horrible….again. The sensory deprivation tank probably isn’t a good idea because all of my dreams involve me drowning and waking up in the middle of the night in a complete panic. This is why I go to sleep so early that way when I fall asleep and wake up 36373 times it isn’t horrible. I am on different medicine for sleep we also upped the other medicine to help, but I honestly think I actually need to bite the dust and see someone. They aren’t getting any better and nothing is helping not even my bootleg version of a sensory deprivation tank. I don’t want to go through the issues of trying to find a therapist my insurance covers, making an appointment, filling out the mound of paperwork only to find out they suck and I have to start over again as you can tell I’ve been burned by therapist quite a few times. I just don’t want to talk about all my feelings and relive the terrible horrible awful thing that happened because that dream is super fun to have again and again until we can “work it out.” The point is to not feel like this anymore. I’ve gone to counselors who have “sweetly” told me that I need a psycho therapist……Thanks because I needed you to reassure me that I am that paranoid and delusional as I feel. I feel like it should be a free if you like me then pay me situation. I realize that isn’t fair to the therapist, but neither is me paying to stare at you the first two or three visits to sum up whether or not I like or trust you. I promised my psychiatrist I would find a therapist and I am about to run out of luck on that. I can only postpone it for so long before he starts talking about in patient treatment. Those are words of death to anyone in the mental health community “inpatient” gives me chills thinking about it. If you’ve been lucky enough to escape it thus far keep it up. You DO NOT want to go to the psych hospital. It is hard sometimes to know what is right and what is wrong. I just need to get it figured out. I am dreading the process.