I am not particularly fond of Halloween I find it triggering and annoying. People don’t realize pretending to be a psych patient isn’t funny especially when you’ve been there. It isn’t the young kids that bother me it is the older ones who really fuck things up. My daughter wanted to be a zombie doctor which I don’t care for. I can’t watch Walking Dead or any other zombie apocalypse movies because it causes severe anxiety and stirs up some bad thoughts. This is guaranteed to cause issues with psychosis and some long sleepless nights that involve jumbled talking and pacing. Halloween triggers some bad things for people like me so being courteous to people like us is wonderful.
Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.
Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.
🖤 I am doing it right now. This was on my bucket list to have a blog with followers with people who actually enjoy my writing.
🖤 Book-This book needs a fucking title soon so I will quit just calling it book, I know you are getting tired of almost every blog post talking about my book but I am shamelessly self advertising for a book that isn’t finished yet. It is getting there and I promise when it gets out there and is a best seller I will send all of my followers an autographed copy.
🖤 New York- I in a million years could never explain to you what my obsession of New York is but I want to go so bad. I’ve been up and down the east coast because I have family on New Hampshire and we would drive up there when I was a kid on our way to Canada to see more family, but we never went to New York. I want to ride down the Brooklyn Bridge and see the skyline in Manhattan. I have memorized part of the subway. One day when I am a famous writer I will own an apartment, flat or something with a view of Central Park. I want to go see Rent on Broadway sit in a small cafe and write. It just seems so beautiful.
🖤 Australia- This is new on my bucket list because my daughter wants to go to Australia and have a job as a marine biologist. I would love to go and see it I’ve read that it is beautiful but it is always extremely expensive and it is something I have to save up for.
🖤 Plane ride- I used to be terrified of planes but I need to get over that fear for my daughter so I want to take a plane ride preferably not over an ocean my first time just a small ride to somewhere that doesn’t take long and isn’t really expensive or scary.
🖤 Celebrities- I have a list of celebrities I would love to meet and when my book (see there it is again) becomes a movie would love to play different roles. 90’s rom coms are the best and how I’ve come up with a lot of different ideas to write.
🖤 Movie Producer – I would love to be a movie producer preferably my own movie, but I think it is extremely fascinating the way they edit and make movies. I would never star in a movie just help make one.
🖤 Foundation- This is new with my illness to start a foundation that helps people with low income or no income get help would be awesome. I want them to receive proper medical care kind of like a legal aid for people who need help with an illness and medication.
Now a letter from my 12 year old self
If you are reading this then you made it and you are a famous writer living somewhere fancy. I assume that it is from your remake of “Tom and Huck” that they made into a movie. If not then it is the other one you are working on from Mrs. Smith class. You need to read “The Cay” again because it makes you feel better and you will remember most of 5th grade from that book. I hope you aren’t dating an asshole and still obsessed with those assholes in 6th grade also that you aren’t still listening to the same John Michael Montgomery songs. They are wore out and part of a fantasy that ain’t happening. I hope you have found a boyfriend that is better and actually LIKES YOU BACK!! This should include some floppy disk with other great story ideas that you never finished jut in case you need some extra ideas for your next book and you won that lawsuit against SNL. They should never make light of your book it is intense and meant to be a drama. I also hope you have a list of new goals to meet and this is the start to the amazing life you wanted. Your teachers told you that you were destined to do great things. Keep in touch with yourself and make big waves. You are too complex to do simple things.
Diet is still no existent/anxiety makes sure I feel sick ALL THE TIME lately and no I am not pregnant.
Still no soft drinks. My husband tempted me yesterday when he got a Vanilla Coke. I kept asking him if I could smell it and he wouldn’t let me.
I didn’t know my husband was unaware about the whole snorting situation I used to struggle with but he knows now. That was a bit of an awkward situation.
Lately anything I drink that isn’t water I can taste salt in…. Is that weird?
I’ve thought about making this blog private and the information just for subscribers but I don’t feel like I am at a place with the subscribers that I could successfully complete this.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING:
THERE IS A REASON THAT NAMES ARE NOT MENTIONED IN MY BLOG. I WOULD NEVER WANT SOMEONE TO PUT INFORMATION LIKE THAT ABOUT ME OUT THERE WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID THE HORRIBLE AWFUL THING. FIRST, IT IS SICK THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DETAILS. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO IT IS BUT NO YOU DON’T KNOW HIM. NO ONE I KNOW ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO IT IS BESIDES MY HUSBAND. NOT EVEN ANY ACQUAINTANCES OR PEOPLE FROM THE PLACE I GO. PLEASE STOP THROWING NAMES OUT THERE AND DAMAGING PEOPLES LIVES. YOU ARE A SICK FUCK FOR DOING IT ANYWAY
I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME (MOST) OF MY BLOG POSTS WITH YOU WHEN I SEE YOU. I WROTE IT DOWN AND GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. IT IS AWKWARD FOR ME AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU REFERENCE 5 DIFFERENT BLOGS BUT CAN’T TELL ME THE TITLE OR WHAT THE REST OF IT IS ABOUT. I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND!!!!!! MY BOOK YES I WILL TALK ABOUT IT OTHER THINGS MEH DEPENDS ON WHAT IT IS.
MY WALK IS ON SUNDAY!!!! I am so excited to go to the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk again this year. This is my third year and I can’t wait!!! It is such a humbling and breathtaking scene. It is such a great cause and one I feel very deeply about.
I tagged all the mental health categories I could think of and will tag them again about the walk.
I get paid tomorrow and I have no plans on ruining my daughters life if it doesn’t go in as scheduled.
Dreams still suck ass. I have descriptions of the dreams I am dealing with that I will post about later. It is weird, scary and just keeping me from sleep.
I am trying to make it over that 40 hump for subscribers I also seem to get right there and then something happens. I am thankful for every one of you who do subscribe and keep up with me. I read many of your blogs but forget to hit that like button so you know I was there.
I have to finish strong with the blog challenge. I am a little behind right now.
My posts are consistent right now because of lack of sleep the detailed good writing I can accomplish isn’t working because I am so tired.
You can catch me on Instagram because they don’t require as much detail and depth as my blog posts do.
See you next week!!! Enjoy the last of the blog challenge and postings coming on my days off!!!
I decided to end my life in 1994. It was my first year of high school and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t a snap decision. It wasn’t prompted by a rejection from a boy, or a bad grade, or anything in particular. There may have been a trigger, I honestly don’t remember, but the decision to end my life had been a long time coming, despite my (then) short time on earth.
At 14, I had been living with depression and anxiety for a decade. At an age when most people start trying to figure out who they are and where they belong, my quest for an identity was shrouded in confusion and self-loathing. It’s true, no teenager probably feels “normal.” Feeling angsty and out of place is a right of passage on the road to adulthood. But for me, I didn’t even know what “normal” was supposed to feel like, and I was keenly aware that I never would.
So, in a moment of particularly intense feelings of hopelessness, I decided to take my own life.
But I didn’t do it. I thought about how it would crush my parents, and I couldn’t bring myself to follow through on it in that moment. I decided to put it off for a day.
I’d like to tell you that this moment was a rock bottom or an epiphany, and that after deciding not to kill myself that day, everything changed for the better. I wish it had been a momentary point of weakness that prompted me to see life anew and that I never thought of doing something so drastic ever again.
But the truth is, every day since has been a conscious decision to put it off one more day. I have been suicidal for 23 years, but I have not attempted suicide. There is this idea surrounding being suicidal that a person is always in imminent danger of harming themselves, and while that is the case for some people, being suicidal takes on many forms.
This is what suicidal looks like for me. Only a handful of times have I been genuinely concerned that I might take the actions necessary to end my life. It’s almost never about wanting to die. Instead, it’s the comfort in knowing that I could if I needed to. If it gets to be too much, if I can’t hang on for one second longer, I don’t have to, and the knowledge that I could choose to die gives me the strength to continue living.
The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.
Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.
This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.
🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.
🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.
🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.
🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.
🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.
🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.
🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.
🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.
🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.
🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.
🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.
🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.
🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.
🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.
Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.