JANUARY IS OVER!!!! It feels like there were 3423234 days in January but now it is done. I can’t wait to post my finals for numbers in January. My moods aren’t any better the man is talking but dammit I accomplished goals I set for myself and I kept up with my daily emotions for ALL of January!! I am so damn proud of myself. Small victories sometimes are the best victories. This is my big win for the day!!!
Today I went with Wayne to pick up a truck and we had to go to Lawrenceville. I despise Lawrenceville and for a good reason, that is where Summit Ridge is located. The damn psychiatric facility I was involuntarily held. I start to shake just thinking about that place a glorified hell hole which I felt like I would never escape from. The entire way there I stared at landmarks I remember staring at on my way to follow up visits which Lexapro was shoved down my throat (not literally but you get it) When I was finally discharged from that disgusting piece of shit they made me think that if I didn’t schedule follow up visits they would put me back in. I hated driving there to talk to the psychiatrist who makes his money working for the hospital and his private practice out of the hospital as well (he was profiting way too much fucking peoples head up.) When we were driving I could tell you where everything was and where the road was to turn on to the hospital when we passed it I got chills. I never want to be anywhere near that place. Wayne told me I need to let go of that because it was almost 6 years ago and he is probably right but it is hard to let go of it is what started this mental health journey. I want to never forget where I stood to where I am now and everything in between again this when I need a therapist.
We stopped to eat on the way back and he told me he was going to sell his truck and that was the first truck he ever bought, it isn’t currently running but it broke my heart because he told our daughter she could have it and fix it up. I was able to talk him out of it and we got our financial situation handled the best we can right now. I am just glad he isn’t selling his truck.
Moods suck dreams suck this trip didn’t help anything.
I am off today and it is cold and raining. I am glad Wayne is home with me because snuggles and Netflix are the best. I spoke too soon about those dreams they went back to shit last night. It was nice while it lasted. The dreams are a new thing for the past 6 months or so. I’ve never really had this problem before and no medication is working so that sucks. The therapist was a dumb bitch who I will never talk to again. She lied about how much I was supposed to pay for a co-pay and when I told her she was wrong she got pissed off but I ended up making her cry. My insurance sent me an EOB which said I owed her $15 not $70 or $75 which she kept changing back and forth. I emailed and texted it to her but I never got a response (I wonder why) I am stressed about not having a therapist because I need help but I want to find someone who isn’t an idiot and can actually deal with me. My job offers this 3 free visits for counseling if you need it but I never qualify because my problems “exceed” the 3 free visits which I find to be hilarious. The search is back on for a decent therapist.
Today we also ended up seeing an Optometrist because Wayne had sawdust and wood stuck under his eyelid and we tried every method we could think of to get it out of his eye without spending money but it didn’t work. He is so accident prone he needs to wrapped in bubble wrap all the time. I still love spending time with him. He makes my moods better. I just need to bring him with me everywhere I go.
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!! I went to sleep last night and woke up laughing more than once from a dream I had. I wish I could remember what it was about but I can’t tell you when the last time this happened. I actually got some fucking sleep!!! Who knew it was even possible?!? My mood has improved just a little bit but it is better than nothing right? The one thing I will say about these mood swings is I am extremely creative and writing is coming very easy to me and I am getting a lot of that accomplished. Let’s hope this trend continues.
The days feel like they drag on for hours and it is almost never ending torture since my moods are horrible. I just want to lay in bed under the covers and hide from everyone, that sounds amazing. I did have fun with Wayne today, we went to Madison to Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping and he was in a good mood. Those good moods aren’t happening as often so I try to soak it up when he’s having them. I wish I could do something to make him feel better about our money situation. It is just temporary because for both of us March picks up and we are extremely busy. I get why he is bummed but I do not give advice because I mentally can’t understand some of these emotions because I deal with them and it doesn’t make sense to me so I can’t help other people with something even I can’t understand. When we got home today I forgot RENT was live on TV. That made me so happy I love RENT and I’ve seen it performed at the Classic Center in Athens twice. I would love to see it performed on Broadway at the end they had the original cast from the Broadway performance sing with the cast and it brought tears to my eyes. It was absolutely perfect. It was a great way to end my day just hope the man leaves soon and my moods start to shift. It hasn’t happened yet but I am hopeful.
I came home from another long day, my moods are getting noticeably worse and the man is not letting up anytime soon. My dreams feel like panic attacks and I am constantly waking up scared and confused the man isn’t helping anything. When I got home from work Wayne and I went and got salads for supper and talked about the future and it makes me happy because that means there will be moments again when I don’t feel like this anymore and I am able to feel like a semi normal person. I just hope it happens soon. This is unnecessary stress.
I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.
I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.
Hello psychosis my old friend. You are a pain in the ass and I wish you would go away but you are always nearby. You take many different shapes and forms depending on what is happening but your favorite is The Man. I’ve talked about The Man some he is the one who watches me sleep and even though people don’t think he is real, he is real to me and he is not a kind or a spirit to help guide me on my path like therapist want to tell me. He is what nightmares of made of and even when I’m medicated he is still there maybe not talking to me but he is watching me all the time. He is always there and they keep adjusting medicine hoping it makes a difference but it doesn’t and maybe therapy will help but they always want to say that he is a positive entity if I allow him to be, but he isn’t positive and never will be for you to tell me to look at him and think positive thoughts proves to me you’ve never dealt with something like this before and you are not qualified to do your job. I don’t handle people well that claim they can treat mental health but have 0 clue on what the fuck I am actually talking about again why I don’t like therapist but back to the man. When I get really bad he follows me outside the bedroom and he controls part of my mind. They tell me that these delusions and hallucinations are because of my medicine but it happened without my medicine and it is usually worse without medication. He tells me not to take my medicine and how everyone is trying to control me and I need to break free from everyone he also tells me I don’t need my meds. It’s weird because he looks like Slenderman (he was here before slenderman was a thing.) I don’t understand how anyone could say anything positive about him especially that he is a guide here to help me. He’s hanging around again and as much as I try to avoid him he is getting worse and I can hear him talking to me. I know that skipping time is part of what happens with him and what started out to be 45 minutes a day is more than hour now. Skipping time is the start to usually a very long and self destructing path. We haven’t really dealt with it without me self medicating so I don’t know how or what we are going to do to help combat it.