Just one more for me…..
Just one more breath
Just one more second and let those one more turns to minutes, hours, days months and years. That one second you gave yourself turned into a life you never thought could exist.
Just one more pinky promise. The promise you can’t break the promise that tomorrow when the sun rises you will feel the warmth. You don’t even have to smile just feel it and know you are alive.
Just one more tear. I know crying and emotions feel impossible right now but you just need one more tear down your cheek to remind you that even though everything in this world is so ugly right now there is so much beauty you forgot existed.
Just one more hug. This is the hug that will you bring you back to life.
Just one more I love you. I know I love you feels so hard right now and even though you know it’s meaning it is still hard to grasp that someone is capable of loving you because you don’t love yourself right now.
Just one more laugh. When something makes you laugh so hard it breaks the hard barrier around your heart and opens you up to feel again and we need to feel something.
Just one more smile. Your smile might make all the difference to someone else who feels just like you. Smiles are beautiful and no matter how much pain is behind them you made someone’s world light up whether you knew it or not.
Reach for the light one more time. I know the light is getting dimmer everyday and it feels like no matter how far you stretch your arm it isn’t enough. You can’t grasp the light you need but don’t give up the darkness can’t take us again we almost didn’t survive the last time. We can’t hit the bottom again.
Just one more good night. One more curling up in your arms to relieve the weight of my trauma, my demons screaming in my ears. Your heartbeat deafens them the warmth of you is like my own little bubble of peace so please don’t ever let me go. You are the only peace I get at night because I know no matter how loud and aggressive they get. I can just dig myself deeper in your arms where they can’t reach me.
Just one more see you tomorrow because I will see you tomorrow. You won’t wake up to a lifeless body that you never got to say goodbye too. My soul will still be there. I’ll still hog all the covers and take up the whole bed. You don’t have to place your fingers under my nose or wait for a snore for some relief that I didn’t give in this time. There is no rush to dial 911 and dig through the cabinets to figure out what I took this time, how long it’s been since I stopped breathing or will the Narcan work. You won’t have to make that phone call to family members letting them know to come say their goodbyes or asking for prayers so that I will wake up today. The day will come that the green light indicator on messenger, the three dots that shows I’m typing or seeing my car in the parking lot won’t be the reason you let go of the breath you were holding so tightly hoping that I survived my demons one more night. It won’t be the message from someone in my family letting you know I didn’t make it even though they can’t even get the words out. You won’t be rushing to the hospital asking God for just one more minute so you can say goodbye. You don’t have to sit there and ask yourself what if I spent one more minute with her, asked one more question to save her because I stopped for just one more minute and reminded myself I am alive. I know when the moment comes for me to let this out it will be ugly but I am giving myself grace and reminding myself it just takes one more.