Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.

We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.

We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!

Hey Best friend!

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.

Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! Monkey is 14! I’m so glad we didn’t miss it. It’s ok you spent Saturday morning crying going through baby pictures. It wasn’t only Monkey growing up we saw ourselves grow up and become the best version of ourselves to be her mama. We had so much fun this weekend celebrating with her.

Look at us wearing a sleeveless shirt (it’s too big now!) to the gym showing off that new tattoo.

We wore shorts more than once at the gym and started to feel confident wearing them. It’s the end of the month best friend and we are celebrating non scale victories. We bought real shorts for the first time in at least 12 years and they were a size we haven’t seen in awhile. We had Wayne with us to help encourage us that they looked amazing. (He’s so incredible. We need to be super thankful for him.) We wore a dress for the first time in forever to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We go on vacation soon and those two pieces we ordered will be here this week and we are going to rock them on the beach. I love you and I’m so damn proud of you. You are so beautiful and strong. It isn’t always about the mirror or the scale it’s how much we’ve learned to love ourselves and we’ve come so far. That’s something we had to do on our own. We are getting better about turning every negative thought of ourselves into a positive one. We are just getting started I can’t wait to see what we accomplish but remember baby steps. ♥️

Growing Pains

So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

Hey Best Friend!

Hey best friend! I know you didn’t feel like working out today but you look amazing. Remember we are only 30 lbs away from 100 lbs lost but that isn’t always the most important part. We’ve gone 9 months without an episode, our sleep pattern is so much better, our moods are more stable and consistent. September makes 4 whole years since our last OD attempt. I’m so glad God saved us (He is so good to us.) because we would’ve missed monkey growing up and all the amazing things she accomplished. We’ve done a great job turning her into an amazing young woman. We get to see her turn 14 in a couple of weeks. (Didn’t we just have her?) We would never had a chance to improve our relationship with Wayne and watch him exceed every goal he sets for himself. We are his biggest fan. We would’ve never had an opportunity to make career changes and create memories with these new amazing people in your life. We can’t forget the blog to document and teach people more about mental health. We also had an event and raised so much money for the AFSP walk. (That was a big day.) but we still have so much to do so remember when we start to feel bad open that photo album on your phone and remember why we keep fighting I know some days are harder than others but I’m so damn proud of you. I love you! (It’s totally okay that we cried while writing this in the middle of the gym.)

I fucked up bad this time

As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.

This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.

It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.

I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.

Distress Tolerance: Self Soothe – DBT UP: DBT United Peers

Conversations from the treadmill

Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)

I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.

Do you have these conversations with yourself?

Saying Goodbye after 10 years

Again I don’t believe in click bait so this isn’t about my husband or one particular person it’s about my job I recently left.

I was there for 10 YEARS! I loved it even on the bad days. I said I would never leave unless one of their ads didn’t give me goosebumps and it still does. I left with a pay cut but better hours and a better quality of life for me. I needed set hours, days off and to actually have holidays off. I realized when I left it would be a bit of a cultural shock but I underestimated how much of shock it was. It caused a mood swing that I was terrified of because they don’t know at my new job about my quirks (illness) they aren’t as open as my old job. My husband knew what was going on but for the first time in years I had to push it down because there is no one here for me to talk to. I’m not used to that either. At my old job I’d worked with most of them for years. (There wasn’t a high turn over right.) My supervisor and director were the same the entire time I was there. We were this highly screwed up dysfunctional family but the second someone needed something everyone would drop what they were doing for you. I could always talk to anyone about my moods including my director and supervisor and got full support. when I was diagnosed I went through a hard time, when I was too depressed to come to work, too manic to stay, the medication adjustments, the mood swings, the random episodes of panic attacks and break downs. All the overdoses. My bosses are more understanding than I could ever ask for and even though sometimes I don’t always act like I appreciate everything you do and how understanding you always are. I grew up in the 10 years I was there. Thank you for 10 wonderful years. You taught me how to be an adult, professional and no matter what how to give outstanding customer service. I’m prepared for everything because of you. I’ve tried to not run back even though I really want to there was a reason this worked out the way it did. I miss it everyday and I hope over time the pain lessens a little. I think of them every time something funny or crazy happens only to realize none of you here now.

I’m sure our paths will cross again and always “It’s my pleasure.” 😘

1 gallon a day keeps my fat away

Where have I been? Who the hell knows at this point. I need to update everyone I just don’t know what to say right now. I’m working on limited meds until I get insurance at my new job and I dealt with a sudden low that I thought would get worse but luckily I made it through okay. I also had an anxiety attack at my new job after only being there for 4 days! Thanks mental health. I tried to keep you under wraps but you like to make your presence known you sick son of a bitch.