AFSP 2019

Every year thousands of people gather in Piedmont Park to celebrate recovery, lives, struggles and sharing their story. When you walk around you see shirts of people that passed away only a few weeks prior from all different ages, genders, ethnicity, sexual orientation suicide doesn’t discriminate. Pay attention to the warning signs and if someone says they aren’t okay get them help listen to them. If you aren’t okay please ask for help. 800-273-8255 the suicide hotline. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide.

This year like every year is being thankful that I survived after so many attempts that I am still here but I look at the families who have people who didn’t survive you feel a little guilt. You see them suffering and think that this should be your family and why did you survive when I tried so many times without any severe side effects while these people are mourning the loss of someone who probably did the same thing as me. I figured while I am here I need to use my recovery for good and to help people that are in the situations I faced to help them through. This is why I blog hopefully I am helping someone who is struggling right now. YOU CAN DO THIS even when it feels impossible even when you are laying on the floor fighting that fucking bottle of pills you can do it. It feels impossible but dammit you can make it through this. Call the hotline please.

OAN: They raised over $575,000!!

I got my own sock drawer

I’m writing this  after my daily 3 mile walk because it’s been on my mind and I think I’m finally ready to open up.

The first thing I want to say to small town America seeing this from my personal social media page. I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Have you met my husband? He is a saint!!

Anyway we are going to start with some amazing news. I got a good report from the psychiatrist which means everything is going good, my medicine no longer requires to be on lock down and I’ve lost 42.1 pounds.

The title of this blog is just as it says. Today after the gym I cleaned out my side of the closet with all the random things I’ve stuffed in the drawers over the years, old clothes I never wear and finally made room for my stuff. This seems like a normal thing right? It wasn’t for me. The last 6 years or so I forgot who I was and shared everything except shoes, jeans and a few shirts with my husband. (Yes I wore his boxers too.) I just started doing things for myself and I decided I wanted to separate and create my own space so I did….proudly. This is the time we are going to circle back to 6 years ago (it is mostly a cluster) back to now.

July 2013- My world as I know it would never be the same. It was when I was involuntarily hospitalized and diagnosed.

2014-2016- If you remember anything I talked about in previous post this was the self medicating stage. I became addicted to benzodiazepines, caffeine, diet pills. It was an endless cycle of overdoses and learning to talk my way out of going back to the hospital. I became my illness it was never that I had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia I am bipolar I let it define my life. I created my identity around every stereotype of what bipolar disorder was. I rapid cycled between depression and mania. I was self harming never sleeping and was in general a horrible person. If you want to know about my exorcism, snorting Valium off a bible or my brushes with death please refer to the 2015 I was a shitty person and that time I snorted Valium off a bible. (This is not click bait it actually happened.)

2017- My grandmother passed away in July of 2017. I can’t tell you a lot about 2017. I cut back on the benzodiazepines at the moment but never stopped taking them. My addiction to caffeine was worse than ever. I made the decision to stay with my mom at the hospital despite her telling me she was okay. I didn’t want to leave her by herself so I stayed and I wasn’t taking my regular meds popping more Xanax and drinking 3 or 4 16 and 20 ounce Redbulls. I slept in waiting rooms with my mom so I wasn’t sleeping well and all this mixture didn’t help anything. We had family come in town and all of it became a large cluster fuck. Cluster fuck is the best way I can describe it. Anyway right before she passed I got worse quickly. Again I want to reiterate no one made me do any of this and I pushed myself too far with everything. I tried to stay around when they brought her home and help my mom and aunt take care of her. I was there when she died and I even helped them clean her up before the coroner got there. These are all things I should’ve never done. I never thought seeing a dead body or watch someone take their last breath would fuck my head up as much as it did. There weren’t enough trigger warnings for that situation. I should’ve stopped pushing myself because I knew it was hurting me but I tried to fight through it to help my family but I only caused more issues. Anyway after she passed I got severely depressed. I was back up on benzodiazepines worst than before. At the end of September 2017 I overdosed on Xanax and Halicon chasing it with whiskey. The only good thing about Facebook groups is that I went live and they were able to contact my husband to come and get me. I got kicked out of the house and had to sober up while going to work and try to fix my marriage.

Fast forward to 2019- I’m sober now for 2 years from pills and Redbulls and almost a year from all caffeine. I don’t take diet pills anymore and I have a schedule. I don’t like structure but it is a must to keep me from spinning out of control. I’ve finally learned to say I have bipolar disorder and instead of I am bipolar. Bipolar is a condition it isn’t a person. It doesn’t define me anymore it is just an illness I live with and I’ve learned to manage. So I am finding myself again as a person with mental health issues. I am learning triggers and watching for them the ability to say no and step away from negative situations that can cause problems. I’ve found out how to finally function with this and it will never be perfect but I think after everything I can manage.

Mental Health abortion vs the Christian and prolife

Let’s start with the facts:

-I am a Christian. I go to church and read my bible. (Don’t stop reading this isn’t just a pro-life post.) There is more to it than that because I think that we all ignore the gray area.

-I suffer from bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, severe generalized anxiety.

If I were to get pregnant today I don’t know if I would keep it. We all have these amazing thoughts and plans if it happens to you but you don’t know until it does actually happen to you. So I’m saying I don’t know if I would keep it and that is true. I do think abortion would be an option I would consider. This isn’t because I don’t want the child it is because of the danger to myself and to the unborn child and then the child after it is born. This is from my perspective. I am not saying you can’t do it because people do it all the time but it isn’t for everyone.

The part I think about is the type and amount of medication I am on that I did research before I made this post none of which are safe during pregnancy. That means I get weaned off of those and put on others one we hope works while I’m pregnant. The next factor is hormones are out of whack medication isn’t exactly right what happens if I become manic or start hallucinating/ having delusions. What if I try to die by suicide and in the process kill the baby. What would that do to my already fragile state?

I know that I’m stable right now and would be better capable to make a sound decision but what if I’m not and I’m in danger is it wrong for my husband to help with that decision? It is my body and my choice but what if I’m not able to make that choice and he knows what I want. Is he able to express this?

The topic is being made black and white by so many people and the gray area is the same tune everywhere but no one is talking about the mental health aspect. I can still believe that life begins at conception and understand the dangers of my illness.

What do you think? Do you think my husband as a right to make that decision for me knowing my wishes? Do you think the doctors would listen to him? Do you think you can be both pro-life and pro-choice? Do you think your mental illness is a reason for abortion?

World Semicolon Day ;;;;;

Rest easy beautiful lady. You have changed the way we view mental health. Even in death your story isn’t over yet. You gave us strength and now we wear our semicolons proud of who we are and what we’ve accomplished. Thank you your family and your beautiful soul. I wear my semicolons proud because my story isn’t over yet.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from the dreams last night.

I watched you get tortured over and over again and I couldn’t stop it.

I tried please believe me when I tell you I tried but I could never reach you.

The ground crumbled with every step I took it wouldn’t let me near you.

I watched you drown in the blackness I kept screaming to just hold on a little longer so I could save you but the darkness silenced my cries.

I know you are still in there somewhere stuck in the darkness that surrounds you but listen for my voice. I will guide you back to the light.

I need you to promise me that you won’t give in.

It may take a while but I will find you again. I will hold you until your wounds disappear.

Please be okay. I love you.

(I had a rough night last night with dreams and this is a “poem” to myself reminding me not to go and don’t let my illness win.)

12 things not to say to someone who is passively suicidal.

I got the 12 comments from Mental Health on the Mighty but I wanted to write my own thoughts behind each of the comments because I’ve heard them all before. Sadly, we are stupid and think the absolute wrong things when it comes to suicide. I also want to leave the suicide hotline number for anyone who needs it. 1.800.273.8255 or text talk to 741741. Let’s get into the shitty comments:

1. “You would have done it already.”– Thanks for this. You know I was working so hard on trying to not do it, but your lack of empathy really made me reconsider that decision. I am struggling with it and when I open up to you that’s when you tell me this? I’m not doing it for fucking attention I need help but you know your lack of knowledge is proof as why we can’t talk anymore.

2. “Others have it worse.”– I’m glad you told me that. I have re-evaluated the entire decision based on that comment. I didn’t realize you were in my head so you know how bad it is. I didn’t realize you sat awake in bed with me completely paranoid or you knew about every time I clutched a bottle of pills trying to distinguish between yes or no. So yes because you are in my body and mind you have the right to tell me that others have it worse than me.

3.”Suicide is a selfish act.” This comment makes me want to hurt people…..I’m not kidding. It is easy for you to make this comment when you aren’t the one suicidal, but saying this to someone who is already vulnerable to make them feel worse about themselves.

4. “Don’t talk about that.”– What would you like us to talk about? Don’t ask us why we feel this way or what you could do to help just tell us to hold it in because I can guarantee you that holding it in makes it a thousand times worse.

5. “Are you really going to do it?”– Yep. I am and I’m going to call you while I’m doing it and give you every fucking second, better yet I will go live on social media so E V E R Y O N E can see it. Don’t ask people that question again ask how to help and not stupid fucking questions. Don’t be a dick.

6. “Everyone feels that way.”– Again I’m glad you are in my head and everyone else’s I didn’t know you were in tune with everyone’s emotions to know that others feel this way. I don’t think everyone is a manic suicidal person while I know there are some that feel this way I feel like not everyone does.

7. “Things will get better.”– No shit. We know this but telling us this doesn’t help. STOP RUINING MY ANXIETY ATTACK WITH YOUR POSITIVE THOUGHTS!! We are allowed to have moments or days. Don’t judge us or give us a hard time because we feel bad. Regardless of what you think we need to fall apart. If it is convenient for you then you shouldn’t be in our lives.

8. “Doing other things will help.” I am aware of this but right now doing something else feels impossible. We just want to let you know that we need help. Don’t make us feel like we don’t deserve your attention.

9. “Are you taking your medication?”– This is a bold statement to say to anyone, it is also very personal statement. I’m not going to ask you if you have PMS and are you wearing a tampon because it is none of my business just like my medicine is none of your fucking business. Ask supportive questions instead of stupid ones.

10. “Why are you not in the hospital?” See I was involuntarily but then decided I wasn’t a threat to people or myself and let me out so unless they think I’m dangerous I won’t be back in the hospital anytime soon. If you think the hospital magically changes our thought process it doesn’t. The hospital makes shit worse. Every time I’ve been all they do is push drugs on you until you bullshit your way through it enough to go home. The hospital generally isn’t helpful, but obviously you’ve been enough to know that.

11. “How dare you.” How dare you say I dare you. How dare you make any comment that isn’t I’m listening and I’m here if you need me. How fucking dare you belittle my problems because it doesn’t fit in your life. How dare you think that my life is an inconvenience for you.

12. “Have you tried positive thinking?” I positively thought that you are twat who has nothing more to bring to a conversation but have you tried positive thinking. If positive thinking saved everyone then why the fuck do we need medication and therapy. If we all thought positive then there would be no mental illness. You fucking idiot it doesn’t work that way.