As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.
This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.
It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.
I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.
TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I’ve actively avoided him for as long as possible but they won’t refill my meds until I see him. This whole process is a chore in itself, getting the day off work, making sure my husband can pick up our daughter driving the 45+ minutes to get here and I dread it. This time I had to pay for a past balance before they would schedule the appointment only to walk in and here you still owe a balance. I lost my cool a little and feel bad for the girl behind the desk. I had paid the balance so they would give me a 30 day supply of medication. I had a balance because my amazing psychiatrist was out due to personal reasons and also COVID was on its first phase of shut downs so I had to talk to this asshole via zoom which sucked. He didn’t listen to a word I said he just kept pushing my meds and new meds because I needed a change. The feed kept freezing and he wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to talk every time he asked me a question it was like “How are you feeling?” “I am feeling….” “You need something besides Lamictal…” How in the world would you know that after you barely asked me a question and didn’t let me respond. I called back and told them that I would rather go without meds than talk to that jackass ever again. I think we were prepared for the conversation though. I don’t know if they heard me fuss at him or he complained about me but alas it is that time again. I am glad I was given the option to go in the office. I know that with just a few hiccups I’ve been okay but it is always an uneasy feeling… Here goes nothing
Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)
I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.
I broke in my new coworkers in the other day. I had an anxiety attack at work and it was so embarrassing and awkward. I didn’t sleep good last night because of storms and I got paranoid about pine trees and tried to move my husbands truck and got it stuck in the mud so then I was so paranoid he would be mad I couldn’t sleep. So my anxiety was already up and then I made a mistake and I freaked out thinking I would get fired and I ended up holding on to a wall for dear life hyperventilating and crying. They don’t know about my anxiety so they were completely lost on what was going on or what to do. They know I have anxiety issues now. Surprise I come with quirks you find out about later. We figured it out and they didn’t care too much about it. I think they were worried I would freak out again. I don’t think people realize how fucking embarrassing it is to have an anxiety/panic attack in front of strangers in public.
Every year thousands of people gather in Piedmont Park to celebrate recovery, lives, struggles and sharing their story. When you walk around you see shirts of people that passed away only a few weeks prior from all different ages, genders, ethnicity, sexual orientation suicide doesn’t discriminate. Pay attention to the warning signs and if someone says they aren’t okay get them help listen to them. If you aren’t okay please ask for help. 800-273-8255 the suicide hotline. Every 40 seconds someone dies by suicide.
This year like every year is being thankful that I survived after so many attempts that I am still here but I look at the families who have people who didn’t survive you feel a little guilt. You see them suffering and think that this should be your family and why did you survive when I tried so many times without any severe side effects while these people are mourning the loss of someone who probably did the same thing as me. I figured while I am here I need to use my recovery for good and to help people that are in the situations I faced to help them through. This is why I blog hopefully I am helping someone who is struggling right now. YOU CAN DO THIS even when it feels impossible even when you are laying on the floor fighting that fucking bottle of pills you can do it. It feels impossible but dammit you can make it through this. Call the hotline please.
I am going to start off with if you have a weak stomach are triggered by laxatives or vomiting please be cautious.
I’ve had 0 bowel moments in 5 days so Monday I bought fiber supplements and laxatives. I tried to do this about 2 weeks ago with magnesium citrate but nothing happened. I’ve used magnesium citrate before and it dropped me to my knees and cleared me out but no luck. I decided to try laxatives this time. I took 4 Monday night hoping to have a little relief Tuesday morning and that isn’t what happened.
I woke up Tuesday with horrible cramps so I went to the bathroom and nothing was happening until it felt like my body exploded out of both ends. I had to vomit but getting off the toilet felt impossible so I leaned over and vomited in the tub. The sound of vomiting makes me vomit more. The light was off in the bathroom so when I turned it on what I saw blew my mind. It looked like I vomited shit. I have a picture of this my husband said it wasn’t but I still think it was. After this I chugged peptobismol and had after shock the rest of the day. I ended up losing weight because of it. I will never take laxatives again. Sorry this is a gross post.
I started exercising and changing my diet on 7/1/19 as of today I’ve lost a total of 26 pounds which may seem like a lot but considering my start weight isn’t as much as you think. I walk 2 miles everyday and do specific workout to areas that need the most work. I am on Herbalife which can be expensive but I’ve noticed it helps. Routine is crucial in everything I do so it is what I needed to get me going. I was skeptical at first but it is worth the money. People ask me what keeps you so motivated and keeps you from slipping. The answer is NOTHING. I am not motivated to workout almost everyday. I dread the idea of going walking most days and when I walk in the store I have to talk myself out of eating a large bag of M&Ms but my story is a little different from others I know because I’m battling my illness.
Weight and mental health can almost go hand in hand. If you look at our meds weight gain is a big side effect not to mention the actual illness that pulls you down and makes moving let alone exercising feel impossible. I am dealing with mixed episodes right now which makes what I’m trying to do so damn difficult. I’m not motivated and have to try and convince myself that I do need to exercise and skipping a day or 3 isn’t a good idea. I struggle with this EVERYDAY. So any weight loss is a big deal. I am fighting against Seroquel, I gained almost 40 pounds from the time I started taking it. Everything that I do is a fight and a struggle. None of this is easy for me but I’m trying. I’m trying to fight a battle that seems never ending but I am making it.
I needed a break from everything and that’s okay. I’ve struggled a lot lately from so many different things and that’s made it hard for me to focus. I am trying to talk about my past and I forget how much it triggers me sometimes. I couldn’t blog until I felt ready and now I do. I am coming back with a bunch of new stuff for you guys. Thank you for your support while I was MIA.
I’ve felt like shit lately. My moods are completely unsteady. I haven’t felt like doing much besides listen to music and hide in my tiny bubble that I’m claustrophobic and need to climb out of but while I was in google a card popped up about Mac Miller. (I am not so secretly obsessed.) about an unreleased song “leaked” Benji The Dog/That’s life. Of course as an obsessed fan I had to find the song. That was the only thing that would complete my day and make me feel better.
I went on YouTube and got super excited when I saw something on YouTube but it was just the instrumental and just by the instrumental I knew I had to have song to complete the shitty day I had. I searched SoundCloud and every other source I could think of to find the song. I put my spam email comments on different instrumental versions just to get the song and someone actually emailed it to me….. IT BLEW MY MIND! It actually kept my mind occupied for awhile which is exactly what I needed.