This is perfect for New Years Eve because we can say goodbye to last year and hello to the New Year and fresh start. I did accomplish a lot of amazing things in 2018 so it is a bittersweet goodbye but a happy hello to the future. I am keeping up with my writing and my days especially my moods. Now that I am almost of sound mind (this is as sound as I can be.) I want to see if I can judge my mood changes. I am hoping for the best and swinging for the fences. I want to make a difference and understand my moods a little better. So here is to a fresh start…..
When was the last time you washed your makeup brushes? I don’t remember. I haven’t really worked with my makeup in months so I couldn’t tell you. I just got new foundation (NARS) which I am so excited about and new skin care routine. I bought a trial kit of Tatcha which I’ve heard nothing but great things about. I tried to put on my NARS foundation for Christmas Eve excited I would no longer look yellow but when I put it on I forgot my brushes were caked with old makeup so that beautiful smooth foundation ended up looking horrible. I have also not washed my face consistently either. I know part of good makeup is good skincare and I’ve not done anything to help it. I want to wear it tomorrow so I cleaned my brushes and they were absolutely disgusting. My big brush also my older and favorite one. It was the first brush I bought when I started to wear makeup again, the lady sold me on this $50 Urban Decay brush. It is also the one it takes the longest to clean. I let them soak overnight and this morning the rest of my brushes cleaned easily along with the beauty blenders that the can’t didn’t eat. This one takes a lot of extra time and patience but when its ready it is still my absolute favorite. I am going to shock my face into working tomorrow. I will post pictures of my makeup look tomorrow. Let’s hope it goes better than Christmas Eve.
These are my goals to hopefully hit before 1/1/19. I think some are unrealistic but I’m going to try my best. I am off the next two days so I have plenty of time to post and dammit finally catch up on posts more specifically bipolar Chronicles. Do any of you have goals for the end of the year? I am beyond grateful thankful and amazed by all the love and support you guys have given over the last few months. I love you more than you know. 🖤😘
Any and everyone in the mental health community can tell you how hard it is, your brain is extremely convincing sometimes especially when it is something you are already insecure about. In another post I talk about my social anxiety and how I am uncomfortable around new people these are the things my brain says to me:
They know your teeth are fake.
They think you sound ignorant
They think you are a snob because you aren’t talking to them.
Your illness is showing
They can tell something is wrong with you
Don’t say that
I can’t believe you said that
They think you are stupid
You are crazy
They know you are crazy
They are scared of you
You look fat
You are ugly
Everyone hates you
Your husband thinks you are atrocious
He stays with you out of pity
He resents you
Your daughter doesn’t love you
Your husband doesn’t love you
You are a bad parent
Your daughter is disgusted by you
She can’t wait to get away from you
Your blog is horrible
Instagram is out of pity
Your friends don’t like you
You get the idea right. I am constantly fighting this everyday. It is hard and I tell myself that I am wrong. So I try to find things that make me happy and focus on them. It doesn’t usually work.
I know we’ve all done it before made a list of things we want to change and in January we work extra hard and things are going to change….then something goes wrong and we stop. When I decided to stop drinking sodas and drinking more water, I didn’t wait for the New Year I just did it because I needed too. I was extremely unhealthy and I could drink a 6 pack of sodas in less than 8 hours but I never drank water and no matter how much I tried I could never quench my thirst because I was so dehydrated. I made the decision and I stuck with it. I knew I needed to make changes for things to improve and my health both physically and mentally. So I will continue into the New Year to do these things and my biggest changes are for my Instagram and blog. I am going to try and have monthly blog posts for my goals monthly and yearly, improve my relationship with my daughter.I want to hold myself accountable for the changes I need to make so I can grow and become a better version of me. I also want to lose weight, save money and stop swearing so much but I say that every year and it happens for a while then it stops. I really need to be more consistent with this. I willon Januaryput out my first list of monthly and yearly goals. We will still have weekly updates and posts of my shenanigans also the bipolar chronicles. I have a list of great things I want to accomplish and good content for my readers. So these are my resolutions and also go me!!! – Blog goals -Instagram goals -Improve my relationship with my daughter -Monthly goals -Yearly goals -lose weight? -stop swearing so much? -save money….wishful thinking
Yeah I am awkward and uncomfortable around people I don’t know I will avoid all eye contact and pretend you aren’t there until I have to talk to you. I have severe issues with social anxiety which considering my past jobs involve customer service and dealing with people maybe that is what made it worse. If you know me personally I can be funny. I have some of the best Snapchat filter videos that I randomly send my friends especially when I know they aren’t feeling well. I’ve also discovered jib-jab which may not be a good thing. 😂😂 I love making people laugh because I love to find an excuse for anyone to laugh it makes me happy to see other people smile and I know it sounds cliche for almost every person with mental health about making other people smile, but it is true as long as I like you. If I don’t know you or like you I could give 0 fucks as to whether or not you smile. As an extremely pessimistic person I don’t like people when I first meet them because that way if they suck I didn’t lose anything but if they are awesome then I am lucky. This theory causes me to push people away easily (hint hint) and keeps me from having lots of friends. It isn’t because I don’t trust people or any of that bullshit it is because I am extremely paranoid about my illness and the people I know it is okay if I act a little odd in front of, but if you don’t I feel like a bull in a china shop so I don’t say anything again I am really weird which is why I like the blog. I can’t see you judging me and making comments about me so there is less anxiety this way. There is always a method to my madness.
I had a bad day and I mean irritable, aggressive angry day. I was so agitated I started shaking and blacked out some and don’t remember everything I said. I was drained from the raw emotions coming out the real ness of my pain. I’ve learned over the years with my illness how tiring any emotions can be and the level we feel them is so exhausting. I am usually fairly good with handling my emotions but due to lack of sleep I am easily irritated. I don’t know have much to say about it, but I wish I could remember more. Just those bipolar days.
If you haven’t read the first post entitled suck my dick. I wrote a letter to a bitchy mom on Instagram for my content but now it’s time for a second volume for the general public.
SUCK MY DICK VOL. 2
– Stop pill shaming people. Yes I take almost 1500 mg of medication a day and the reason I can function is because of said medication. I don’t ask you why you take 600 mg of ibuprofen Barbara so mind your own fucking business.
– If you make any comment that may suggest that my illness is weird I will lick my hand and wipe it on you. Just so you can “catch” it too. (That is totally how it works btw)
– On the pill shaming- don’t ask what it’s for and say yeah you need it….. You didn’t even know what was for 2 seconds ago.
– We get to make the jokes, it isn’t cute when you say, “hey I’m a little bipolar too.” It doesn’t work like that bitch. It’s not an adjective to describe your current mood. It is an actual illness. I don’t say omg my toe is so broken today. Yeah sounds stupid don’t be a dick.
– Lastly just don’t be a dick…. if it sounds stupid, ignorant, and rude then just DON’T BE A DICK!!
If you want to question the fact that I don’t have a dick just remember it’s probably bigger than yours.