Memories Lost

I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.

I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.

I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?

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Family Time is priceless

Today just sucked. I had to spend way too much time on the phone with the state dept. of revenue trying to clear all of this shit up. I had to call my attorney we had to pull the records from my bankruptcy to see what was covered. I have a severe tension headache and I don’t want to deal with this shit right now but I cant ignore it because if I do it will only get worse. It seems like my past just keeps creeping right back in. It’s like, “Hey I haven’t fucked you over enough as it is lets do it some more.” I wish I had a lot of money to solve all of these fucking problems.

Other reasons my day sucked: People are trying again to use my blog against me even though I am not talking about anyone particular except my husband and daughter or occasionally my two best friends. I don’t know why they think they are so damn important that anything would be about them. Except this: Please suck my veiny hairy dick k thanks. I would do the finger emoji if I could find it. This is the only dedication you get to anything fucking idiots.

My daughter and I hit up DG again and I got something for this horrendous headache from stress and anxiety and comfort food because lets be honest we all need some comfort food when shit like this happens.

We sat on Waynes grandparents back porch talking and laughing. This makes everything better. These moments with families are priceless and worth more than any of this stress I have.

Movie date night

Today started out rough. I found out that I have issues with state taxes which is bullshit because my bankruptcy was supposed to take care of everything and now I am dealing with this shit. Fucking corrupt money hungry government making shit up as they go. I don’t know if my anxiety can handle what is happening right now. This is normally when I want pills but I am not that person anymore so instead I talk it out with Wayne or write it out in my journal. It makes those weak moments go away quickly.

Wayne and I were supposed to go pick up a truck but it got pushed back again. Which is okay because that gives me time to catch up on everything. Here is to hoping.

We did go see The Avengers movie and I had so much fun. I needed that time out with him again. It always makes me feel better. He brought me clothes to change into it when I got off work and it was hilarious trying to change clothes in a stinky DQ bathroom and then losing my keys forgetting where I put my wallet was all entertainment before we even started watching the movie. I need to remember that everything will work out in due time and to have a little faith.

Fuck it.

Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.

Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.

Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.

SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!

Guilt and changes.

My work schedule is still screwed up which in turn screws up my sleep cycle. I keep thinking about the fight that many daughter and I had last night. I know more than anything else it hurt my feelings and I reacted badly. On my part I could’ve taken a different approach then white trashing it in the yard. Just for clarification I was not swearing at my child nor did I call her any names. I was just pissed off and being me decided to let my anger out in the middle of the front yard. It all kind of confused me because she and I just had this amazing conversation on Wednesday so I don’t know where this came from. I couldn’t concentrate today it was all I could think about. I know she is young and still doesn’t fully understand what is going on with me but it still hurts.

I want to do something self destructive to make it better but I remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I can handle my shit like an adult, my daughter and hubby are every reason to stop myself from making these decisions. It isn’t worth losing them for any moment of being numb.

I remind myself the reason I changed myself the reason I decided to live a better life is because if I didn’t it would be a life without them and that isn’t a life I ever want to have. I don’t want synthetic moods anymore. I’ve dealt with worse deal with it dammit you got this.

Bad parenting

I had to work today and it was a late shift that I am not used to doing so it kind of messed up my day. I am so tired and my schedule is a bit out of whack which is not good for me or my sleep cycle. It is amazing how a few hours of sleep can cause so much damage. I am so ready for Monday I need a month off and hours of sleep that I am missing. I accomplished nothing on my days off.

These moods are really all over the place. I messaged the GW on hopes for a little update to make my day better. I have practiced my handwriting some today which also made me feel a little better. It is amazing how I can have so much energy and then have none at all. I want my hyperfocus to work dammit but you cant turn it on and off. I think a lot of me is broken right now.

My daughter and I got in a huge fight tonight. She texted me that she needs to talk to me about how I treat her with my moods and when I ask to check her phone. This all happened after I took my medicine after I got home late from work. It doesn’t go well. I lost my shit. When my mom dropped her off I completely white trashed it and started yelling and cussing in the driveway. Thanks for making me feel like a worse parent than I already am. I know that isn’t want you meant but you broke my heart especially since I’ve worked so hard lately to make changes in my mood and how I ask you for things like your phone. Let’s rub the shitty parent in a little deeper.

Editing and parenting

I have watched way too many font videos and I’ve accomplished nothing else but some new handwriting techniques. I am constantly working on improving my handwriting. I have started on so many things but got none of them accomplished.

I know there are certain triggers happening and as much as I want to ignore it I cant. I didn’t realize editing this chapter would be so hard and cause so many problems. It is like reliving the same trauma over and over again. I sit and stare at the word document for 45 minutes trying to get pass the triggering message but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to delete it completely but I have to overcome my fear of touching it and making any adjustments. Hell I wrote it you think it would be easy to just cut it out and edit it but it is almost like torture.

My daughter came home from school and I took a break from my difficult book writing to hang out with my daughter. We had an amazing conversation about girls, friends, drama and school. She is at that age sadly when bullshit happens and I want her to know how to deal with it. She told me that two of her friends were arguing and I said, “STAY OUT OF IT” Nothing good ever comes from putting yourself in the middle of an argument you have no idea why it started. I explained things from a different perspective and then dealing with my friends and what I learned growing up. I had such an amazing conversation with her. These are the moments when I feel like a really good mom.

Overwhelmed

Today was one of those days when you have a million things to do but you get so overwhelmed you get none of them accomplished. I am off work today and tomorrow and I was supposed to ride with Wayne to get the truck for his work but it got pushed back. I should be happy because it gives me more time to catch up on everything but it won’t happen.

I just don’t have it in me lately. I know my moods are an issue but that isn’t making it any easier. I am so behind and I’ve lost almost all motivation to do anything. I am stuck on my book. There is a section in the second chapter that involves something that happened to me and at the time no one else knew what it was so it was my only way to talk about it but since the people I love and need to know are informed I want to take a chunk of it out. I don’t want to be as open as I originally was about it which is weird considering I have a blog now and I am open about almost everything else. I just don’t want to really talk about it because I am not ready for the questions that come with it. I have talked to the amazing GW that is helping me edit and he is so awesome he said take it out and I will help you reword all of it.

I am going to try and focus to hopefully get something accomplished.

Big Spender

IT IS MY FRIDAY!!! Sinus headaches suck but Excedrin is amazing. I am already having problems with my illness and it makes me easily agitated. I had some different things going on at work that kind of split up my day which was nice.

When I got home I took a bit of a time out to make sure that my agitation level would decrease so I don’t start a fight. I am good at starting fights especially when I am easily agitated. I went to Dollar General and spent way too much money on things I needed and then on somethings I didn’t really need but wanted. When he hit the total button and it was $70 I said, “HOLY SHIT” really loud and then apologized. I wasn’t paying attention to any prices I was just shopping with my daughter and throwing shit in the cart. If she picked it up and said, “Mama isn’t this cool.” It ended up in the cart. I wonder why I am always short on cash especially with the amount of money I make.

After this I made my honorary to do list that I never finish or look at after I make them. I need to go over budgets, bills, journal entires I am behind on my blog and Instagram that I’ve been almost mute on. I really need a manager or a brain to function long enough to get shit accomplished.

Moods: They are okay. I was easily agitated because of my headache but besides that they weren’t that bad. My only on going problem is dreams and sometimes they can cause major mood issues.