I needed a break and that’s okay.

I needed a break from everything and that’s okay. I’ve struggled a lot lately from so many different things and that’s made it hard for me to focus. I am trying to talk about my past and I forget how much it triggers me sometimes. I couldn’t blog until I felt ready and now I do. I am coming back with a bunch of new stuff for you guys. Thank you for your support while I was MIA.

Rapid cycle sucks.

I worked today. It was work. On another note I didn’t want to ruin this weekend the way I ruined last weekend. I knew this and even though my day sucked I made the decision to try to make the day better. I got home hugged and kissed everyone and put on a happy face. We put on another face mask and watched a family movie and it was just a nice evening. The mask hurt to peel off hurt. I have a beautiful picture of a rainbow that I can’t wait to post. I want to put it on Instagram after I watermark it.

My moods are unstable and I am rapid cycling. I would rather lean towards manic because at least I have energy which sounds horrible I know. This seems to be an everlasting fucking mood issue. I am waiting for the up even though I know how unpredictable and crazy it can be.

Intervention

I didn’t go to work today. I feel horrible and just want to sleep the day away. I was going to try and use a bit of energy to update a few things but it isn’t happening. I am still waiting for my phone case so I can use the new camera on my phone. I have this awesome new camera on my phone and I want to use it so badly. I want to feel like my old self again and I am hoping that after today I will start to feel like myself again. I got lost again and I am trying to find my way back then I don’t know why I keeps happening. What the fuck is going on with me. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go up there and see him.

I found a really good documentary on A&E. I know almost everyone has seen Intervention but they have an entire series dedicated to this area in Atlanta known as the Heroin triangle. You know things are bad in other states but you never realize how bad it actually is in your own state. I know in Atlanta with the airport there is an open market for drugs but I never expected it to be like this. I want to state for the record that I cry whenever I watch Intervention. Whenever they agree to treatment I cry. It never fails. It makes me happy and then when they update that they stayed sober I cry more. I will spend the rest of my day watching Intervention.

Glitter Face Masks

I had a long day at work but when I got off work I went to CVS and got one of those black peel off masks for all of us to try. It wasn’t the same one you see on Facebook but this one had glitter which made it much better. When I went to CVS they had my Cadbury eggs on clearance and I got a lot of them. I don’t need to eat them I need to focus on losing weight but they help so much with my writing. I always need something to chew on while I am writing.

I tried to make the rest of my day better but it was hard. I am still watching documentaries and I need to work on my blog and Instagram instead but I’m not. I keep watching my documentaries because it is a nice world to kind of get lost in and it helps with the writing process. I look for any and every way to improve the writing process. I draw inspiration from everywhere I can. I can’t wait for my vacation time to renew so I can take some time off and really get focused

If you are wondering why there are some gaps there are things in my journal I unfortunately I can’t post.

Road Trip

IT IS FINALLY MAY!! I hope that means nicer weather and a low electric bill for a little while. I am excited to get my new phone and new phone case so I can use my phone properly. I am currently using a questionable old phone case on my phone until I can get the new one. I got an IPhone (of course Apple for life.) IPhone XS Max which is amazing. I really needed a new phone.

Today I went to South Carolina with Wayne to pick up a truck but it wasn’t ready so we explored the area and I fell asleep a few times. We found a mall which was really nice kind of sketchy on the outside but they had a lot of good stores in it. We started at Books-A-Million where Wayne bought a bible (FINALLY!!!) and a book of Ronald R. Journals. We walked around for a bit and I found Sephora (it was only a matter of time.) and I bought my daughter face wash because she is obsessed with making sure her skin is clear. I am happy that she cares about her appearance and making sure her face is washed.

I use my free Chick-Fil-A coupon and ate my yummy Chick-Fil-A sandwich and on the way home we stopped to look at the Guide Stones which were awesome. It reminds there are things bigger than yourself and it made everything better.

Memories Lost

I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.

I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.

I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?

Family Time is priceless

Today just sucked. I had to spend way too much time on the phone with the state dept. of revenue trying to clear all of this shit up. I had to call my attorney we had to pull the records from my bankruptcy to see what was covered. I have a severe tension headache and I don’t want to deal with this shit right now but I cant ignore it because if I do it will only get worse. It seems like my past just keeps creeping right back in. It’s like, “Hey I haven’t fucked you over enough as it is lets do it some more.” I wish I had a lot of money to solve all of these fucking problems.

Other reasons my day sucked: People are trying again to use my blog against me even though I am not talking about anyone particular except my husband and daughter or occasionally my two best friends. I don’t know why they think they are so damn important that anything would be about them. Except this: Please suck my veiny hairy dick k thanks. I would do the finger emoji if I could find it. This is the only dedication you get to anything fucking idiots.

My daughter and I hit up DG again and I got something for this horrendous headache from stress and anxiety and comfort food because lets be honest we all need some comfort food when shit like this happens.

We sat on Waynes grandparents back porch talking and laughing. This makes everything better. These moments with families are priceless and worth more than any of this stress I have.

Movie date night

Today started out rough. I found out that I have issues with state taxes which is bullshit because my bankruptcy was supposed to take care of everything and now I am dealing with this shit. Fucking corrupt money hungry government making shit up as they go. I don’t know if my anxiety can handle what is happening right now. This is normally when I want pills but I am not that person anymore so instead I talk it out with Wayne or write it out in my journal. It makes those weak moments go away quickly.

Wayne and I were supposed to go pick up a truck but it got pushed back again. Which is okay because that gives me time to catch up on everything. Here is to hoping.

We did go see The Avengers movie and I had so much fun. I needed that time out with him again. It always makes me feel better. He brought me clothes to change into it when I got off work and it was hilarious trying to change clothes in a stinky DQ bathroom and then losing my keys forgetting where I put my wallet was all entertainment before we even started watching the movie. I need to remember that everything will work out in due time and to have a little faith.

Fuck it.

Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.

Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.

Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.

SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!

Guilt and changes.

My work schedule is still screwed up which in turn screws up my sleep cycle. I keep thinking about the fight that many daughter and I had last night. I know more than anything else it hurt my feelings and I reacted badly. On my part I could’ve taken a different approach then white trashing it in the yard. Just for clarification I was not swearing at my child nor did I call her any names. I was just pissed off and being me decided to let my anger out in the middle of the front yard. It all kind of confused me because she and I just had this amazing conversation on Wednesday so I don’t know where this came from. I couldn’t concentrate today it was all I could think about. I know she is young and still doesn’t fully understand what is going on with me but it still hurts.

I want to do something self destructive to make it better but I remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I can handle my shit like an adult, my daughter and hubby are every reason to stop myself from making these decisions. It isn’t worth losing them for any moment of being numb.

I remind myself the reason I changed myself the reason I decided to live a better life is because if I didn’t it would be a life without them and that isn’t a life I ever want to have. I don’t want synthetic moods anymore. I’ve dealt with worse deal with it dammit you got this.