As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.
This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.
It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.
I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.
As I sit here writing this my car is currently on jacks the hood, trunk, and drivers side door wide open my gas tank on the shop floor if only it were my fuel pump but it isn’t and as I watch them my heart is breaking.
It isn’t just a car to me. I can tell you where every ding, scratch, and the stain is from, my salt life sticker I picked out when we were in Pensacola after a trip to Orange Beach Alabama even though we don’t live anywhere near a beach. My initials crooked on the back glass, my beads are from the AFSP walk along with a discolored brown and pink polka dot ribbon I bought for my daughter but that it looked better on my mirror. I remember driving my husband’s old beat up green S-10 with no insulation and holes in the floor board. The seat was nothing more than pieces of wood and I had to sit all the way forward just to drive it. The gas hand didn’t work so you had to guess when it needed gas and a “security” switch (it had to be hard wired because of a problem with the ignition switch.) but it got me to work and home amazingly with minimal problems. I’ll never forget the day I went to the car dealership and drove my car for the first time. I fell in love and I had to have it.
I remember going to Jacksonville Florida just a week after we bought it. I had Sirius radio for free and drove all night drinking red bull and berry smoothies from McDonald’s we fell asleep in the beach and got so sunburned. This car drove all the way to Naples, Florida and back which is a 9 hour drive. We took it on all the family vacations but it was there for me. It was there for me when I needed to scream at the steering wheel when I had a bad day, it took me to the drs appointment and later to and from the psych hospital. I drove it when I was high, manic and severely depressed. It took me to my spot on the lake where I sat on the same concrete making my suicide videos. It survived all the times I drove high especially the few times I ran off the road, all the times I almost rear ended someone trying to find the perfect song on my phone. It survived every move, angry fight when I sped off or took my computer hid in my car crying.
Godspeed Jolene you were an emotional attachment I wasn’t ready to let you go yet especially with the new job but know that you will always have a place in my heart. I have emotional attachment issues so this one hit me hard.
Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)
I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.
Again I don’t believe in click bait so this isn’t about my husband or one particular person it’s about my job I recently left.
I was there for 10 YEARS! I loved it even on the bad days. I said I would never leave unless one of their ads didn’t give me goosebumps and it still does. I left with a pay cut but better hours and a better quality of life for me. I needed set hours, days off and to actually have holidays off. I realized when I left it would be a bit of a cultural shock but I underestimated how much of shock it was. It caused a mood swing that I was terrified of because they don’t know at my new job about my quirks (illness) they aren’t as open as my old job. My husband knew what was going on but for the first time in years I had to push it down because there is no one here for me to talk to. I’m not used to that either. At my old job I’d worked with most of them for years. (There wasn’t a high turn over right.) My supervisor and director were the same the entire time I was there. We were this highly screwed up dysfunctional family but the second someone needed something everyone would drop what they were doing for you. I could always talk to anyone about my moods including my director and supervisor and got full support. when I was diagnosed I went through a hard time, when I was too depressed to come to work, too manic to stay, the medication adjustments, the mood swings, the random episodes of panic attacks and break downs. All the overdoses. My bosses are more understanding than I could ever ask for and even though sometimes I don’t always act like I appreciate everything you do and how understanding you always are. I grew up in the 10 years I was there. Thank you for 10 wonderful years. You taught me how to be an adult, professional and no matterwhathow to give outstanding customer service. I’m prepared for everything because of you. I’ve tried to not run back even though I really want to there was a reason this worked outthe way it did. I miss it everyday and Ihope over time the pain lessens a little. I think of them every time something funny or crazy happens only to realize none of you here now.
I’m sure our paths will cross again and always “It’s my pleasure.” 😘
I needed a break from everything and that’s okay. I’ve struggled a lot lately from so many different things and that’s made it hard for me to focus. I am trying to talk about my past and I forget how much it triggers me sometimes. I couldn’t blog until I felt ready and now I do. I am coming back with a bunch of new stuff for you guys. Thank you for your support while I was MIA.
I worked today. It was work. On another note I didn’t want to ruin this weekend the way I ruined last weekend. I knew this and even though my day sucked I made the decision to try to make the day better. I got home hugged and kissed everyone and put on a happy face. We put on another face mask and watched a family movie and it was just a nice evening. The mask hurt to peel off hurt. I have a beautiful picture of a rainbow that I can’t wait to post. I want to put it on Instagram after I watermark it.
My moods are unstable and I am rapid cycling. I would rather lean towards manic because at least I have energy which sounds horrible I know. This seems to be an everlasting fucking mood issue. I am waiting for the up even though I know how unpredictable and crazy it can be.
I didn’t go to work today. I feel horrible and just want to sleep the day away. I was going to try and use a bit of energy to update a few things but it isn’t happening. I am still waiting for my phone case so I can use the new camera on my phone. I have this awesome new camera on my phone and I want to use it so badly. I want to feel like my old self again and I am hoping that after today I will start to feel like myself again. I got lost again and I am trying to find my way back then I don’t know why I keeps happening. What the fuck is going on with me. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go up there and see him.
I found a really good documentary on A&E. I know almost everyone has seen Intervention but they have an entire series dedicated to this area in Atlanta known as the Heroin triangle. You know things are bad in other states but you never realize how bad it actually is in your own state. I know in Atlanta with the airport there is an open market for drugs but I never expected it to be like this. I want to state for the record that I cry whenever I watch Intervention. Whenever they agree to treatment I cry. It never fails. It makes me happy and then when they update that they stayed sober I cry more. I will spend the rest of my day watching Intervention.
I had a long day at work but when I got off work I went to CVS and got one of those black peel off masks for all of us to try. It wasn’t the same one you see on Facebook but this one had glitter which made it much better. When I went to CVS they had my Cadbury eggs on clearance and I got a lot of them. I don’t need to eat them I need to focus on losing weight but they help so much with my writing. I always need something to chew on while I am writing.
I tried to make the rest of my day better but it was hard. I am still watching documentaries and I need to work on my blog and Instagram instead but I’m not. I keep watching my documentaries because it is a nice world to kind of get lost in and it helps with the writing process. I look for any and every way to improve the writing process. I draw inspiration from everywhere I can. I can’t wait for my vacation time to renew so I can take some time off and really get focused
If you are wondering why there are some gaps there are things in my journal I unfortunately I can’t post.
IT IS FINALLY MAY!! I hope that means nicer weather and a low electric bill for a little while. I am excited to get my new phone and new phone case so I can use my phone properly. I am currently using a questionable old phone case on my phone until I can get the new one. I got an IPhone (of course Apple for life.) IPhone XS Max which is amazing. I really needed a new phone.
Today I went to South Carolina with Wayne to pick up a truck but it wasn’t ready so we explored the area and I fell asleep a few times. We found a mall which was really nice kind of sketchy on the outside but they had a lot of good stores in it. We started at Books-A-Million where Wayne bought a bible (FINALLY!!!) and a book of Ronald R. Journals. We walked around for a bit and I found Sephora (it was only a matter of time.) and I bought my daughter face wash because she is obsessed with making sure her skin is clear. I am happy that she cares about her appearance and making sure her face is washed.
I use my free Chick-Fil-A coupon and ate my yummy Chick-Fil-A sandwich and on the way home we stopped to look at the Guide Stones which were awesome. It reminds there are things bigger than yourself and it made everything better.
I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.
I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.
I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?