I swear my husband and daughter are the only ways I make it through some days. Today was difficult and I had a hard day at work and all I wanted to do is come home to see them. I am emotionally drained and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I want to let go so badly but I know as soon as I do everything I worked so hard for will go down the drain and I’ve worked so hard to get here it is bad now but it will get better. I keep telling myself that in hopes that I may actually believe it. I need to message the guy helping me with my book. My book makes me happy and is a place where I can recluse to until I get over this.
I’m happy to have a little extra money it takes away some of the pressure and stress on me. We decided to redecorate my daughters room and had a wonderful time at Home Depot. She got to pick two different colors and she spent a lot of time searching through to pick the right colors. It is moments like this that are combating my depression. It takes little things to make moments that make me feel stronger and the ability to fight a little more. There is so much change in my life right now and it is hard to process but things have to change including me. This is the only way I will ever get better and I want to get better. It is finally to the point where I can say that I want to get better and I don’t need to be in this black hole anymore.
Head colds suck
Having both is paralyzing
Thought about keto diet
Check for backdated post
I am not too far behind
Meeting my goals for February isn’t happening
Welcome to my hell
I am glad you are still here
Thank you for your support
I love you all dearly
I slept all day and I needed to work on my blog and social media accounts. There is no way I am able to work on everything I need and finish my book if all I do is talk about it. I am lacking energy but I’m always lacking energy so what else is new. I am going to finally crack open my old lap time and get files from my external hard drive for the book. I need to do this first to figure out where I am and where I need to go.
My depression is spiraling out of control and being sick is just making it worse. I have no way to fight it I am not strong enough. Any extra energy I have is being taken up with this horrible cold I have. I don’t want this feeling anymore it sucks and it is an endless nightmare that I am ready to wake up from.
This quote was actually in my journal today and it fits with everything going on. We are in the process of remodeling our house more specifically my daughters room, living room and kitchen. There is also more demolish happening around me and I’m unsure of where to go next. What will happen with this blog, my social media more specifically my book. What do I want to come of this? What makes me happy? Well right now I’m numb but I need to find the key to what makes me happy and go for it. The more I do this the more I realize that I am better writing fiction than my everyday life. Where do I go from here? This is my dream and finally making it happen is incredible and it kills me that I waited so long but now it is time to buckle down and get everything finished. This project needs a date.
That is a long title but it fits my mood today. I’ve been so sick with a head cold and depressed which means any type of fight I have in me is almost non existent. I left work early today because I felt so horrible but when I got home Wayne was cleaning out my daughters room so I decided to help some. I still feel horrible but I needed a distraction. This blog is the only outlet I have right now of dealing with all this shit in my head. I want to lay in Wayne’s arms that is absolutely one of my favorite places to be. I always feel better in his arms I wish I could bring them with me everywhere I go so I never feel alone and empty. It is amazing how much one person can change your life for the better and he is my person.
I didn’t go to work today. I feel absolutely horrible it was a long night of dreams, pee breaks, hungry and feeling absolute horrible. I honestly debated going to work today but realized that with everything I was dealing with it was better that I stayed home. I need help with everything I am dealing with right now. My illness has turned into a cold and it will only get worse unless I start dealing with it now. I will talk to Wayne even though he knows what is going on. I sound horrible like I am a 3 pack a day smoker. My throat is raw and I drank tomato soup out of a yeti cup because I’m lazy. I just need some relief soon. I am sleeping for the next few hours hopefully I will feel better then. I’m so over all of this shit.