Month: February 2019

I’ve got a war in my mind

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I swear my husband and daughter are the only ways I make it through some days. Today was difficult and I had a hard day at work and all I wanted to do is come home to see them. I am emotionally drained and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I want to let go so badly but I know as soon as I do everything I worked so hard for will go down the drain and I’ve worked so hard to get here it is bad now but it will get better. I keep telling myself that in hopes that I may actually believe it. I need to message the guy helping me with my book. My book makes me happy and is a place where I can recluse to until I get over this.

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I try to decorate my mind as much as possible.

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I’m happy to have a little extra money it takes away some of the pressure and stress on me. We decided to redecorate my daughters room and had a wonderful time at Home Depot. She got to pick two different colors and she spent a lot of time searching through to pick the right colors. It is moments like this that are combating my depression. It takes little things to make moments that make me feel stronger and the ability to fight a little more. There is so much change in my life right now and it is hard to process but things have to change including me. This is the only way I will ever get better and I want to get better. It is finally to the point where I can say that I want to get better and I don’t need to be in this black hole anymore.

Weekly Update 21

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Depression sucks

Head colds suck

Having both is paralyzing

No workout

No diet

Thought about keto diet

Check for backdated post

I am not too far behind

Meeting my goals for February isn’t happening

Welcome to my hell

I am glad you are still here

Thank you for your support

I love you all dearly

Depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is.

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I slept all day and I needed to work on my blog and social media accounts. There is no way I am able to work on everything I need and finish my book if all I do is talk about it. I am lacking energy but I’m always lacking energy so what else is new. I am going to finally crack open my old lap time and get files from my external hard drive for the book. I need to do this first to figure out where I am and where I need to go.

My depression is spiraling out of control and being sick is just making it worse. I have no way to fight it I am not strong enough. Any extra energy I have is being taken up with this horrible cold I have. I don’t want this feeling anymore it sucks and it is an endless nightmare that I am ready to wake up from.

Slow progress is better than no progress

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This quote was actually in my journal today and it fits with everything going on. We are in the process of remodeling our house more specifically my daughters room, living room and kitchen. There is also more demolish happening around me and I’m unsure of where to go next. What will happen with this blog, my social media more specifically my book. What do I want to come of this? What makes me happy? Well right now I’m numb but I need to find the key to what makes me happy and go for it. The more I do this the more I realize that I am better writing fiction than my everyday life. Where do I go from here? This is my dream and finally making it happen is incredible and it kills me that I waited so long but now it is time to buckle down and get everything finished. This project needs a date.

I need one of hose long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute.

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That is a long title but it fits my mood today. I’ve been so sick with a head cold and depressed which means any type of fight I have in me is almost non existent. I left work early today because I felt so horrible but when I got home Wayne was cleaning out my daughters room so I decided to help some. I still feel horrible but I needed a distraction. This blog is the only outlet I have right now of dealing with all this shit in my head. I want to lay in Wayne’s arms that is absolutely one of my favorite places to be. I always feel better in his arms I wish I could bring them with me everywhere I go so I never feel alone and empty. It is amazing how much one person can change your life for the better and he is my person.

There is nothing grilled cheese and tomato soup can’t fix.

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I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.

Prince William reveals celebrities shunned his mental health charity- see link attached (copied from website.)

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Prince William has revealed that every celebrity he asked to support his mental health charity three years ago refused.

The Duke of Cambridge was speaking at the Davos World Economic Forum when he admitted that “a lot” of famous people were approached to back his Heads Together initiative, but none wanted to be associated with mental illness (via BBC).

In 2017, William, Kate and Prince Harry founded the charity, which aims to tackle the stigma surrounding mental health.

The 36-year-old royal suggested that the wartime generation may have contributed to the stigma attached to mental health issues.

“For some reason, people are embarrassed about their emotions – British people particularly,” William told the audience of business leaders. “A whole generation inherited [this way of coping]. This was the way you deal with your problems: you don’t talk about it.”

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a26019349/prince-william-celebrities-shunned-mental-health-charity/?fbclid=IwAR2geQOlS9sSJxqf1_KqerSvp2GvPzq6fUz5m7VSV3UH5yFkRQum6qLQpxs

 

Sometimes you just need to go off the grid and your soul right

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I didn’t go to work today. I feel absolutely horrible it was a long night of dreams, pee breaks, hungry and feeling absolute horrible. I honestly debated going to work today but realized that with everything I was dealing with it was better that I stayed home. I need help with everything I am dealing with right now. My illness has turned into a cold and it will only get worse unless I start dealing with it now. I will talk to Wayne even though he knows what is going on. I sound horrible like I am a 3 pack a day smoker. My throat is raw and I drank tomato soup out of a yeti cup because I’m lazy. I just need some relief soon. I am sleeping for the next few hours hopefully I will feel better then. I’m so over all of this shit.