Weekly Update 24

A little bit more positive

Still no diet or exercise

Overeating junk food

Deep in the bowels of hell editing my book. This is my attention span | | so when I’m trying to focus to edit that doesn’t help.

Binge watching. The Simpsons

Finding any music I can to help inspire me and motivate me to work harder.

This is my life the next several months until I can publish.

Does anyone want to be a Beta reader?

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Days like this, PERFECT!

Today at work was long and tiring. Everyone is sick and it proves to make things more difficult but once 3:30 hit I was so happy because it meant that I have 3 days off!!! I love the thought of having 3 whole days off to work on everything and to rest. These last few days have been hell on me and my body is so fucking tired but when I got home Wayne made some of the best hamburgers with bacon cooked to a perfect medium rare. We had chips and I went to the liquor store and bought him some beer. He told me to guess what kind to get him and see how close I would be to getting something he would like and I nailed it of course. I don’t drink two things I’m not responsible with is alcohol and credit cards. I find credit limits a personal challenge. (Not so much as when I was younger.) We watched Wreck it Ralph breaks the Internet and had an amazing family time. This is a perfect way to start my 3 days off.

With new day comes new strengths and new thoughts

Today was AMAZING! Work was just work and I couldn’t wait to get off because Wayne and I were going to Walmart to get a new tire for his truck and that meant an adventure and I love new adventures. We went to Madison to Wal-Mart and after he got his truck settled we shopped around Wal-Mart and I printed some pictures off my phone then got a new journal and pens. There is just something about a new journal blank pages ready for your thoughts, dreams and emotions. I’m so proud of myself and the new steps I’m taking to improve myself and my writing. I printed my book out and I’m rewriting and going through with my trusty red pen. We went to Arby’s and ate. I just have so much fun with him in every adventure we take together. It is amazing how these little things can improve your moods. He makes me happy and forgot the horrible dreams and the tornado in my brain.

Without quality time your relationship will not survive

I know I don’t talk about work much besides telling you I had a long day or it wore me out. I wish I could get more details but I can’t and I know some of you are asking. I have a job that feels like a long day and it wears me out because I’m extremely introverted and I have to be extrovert for it. It takes every bit of energy I have to do this and my body tires easy.

Now the good stuff: when I got home from work my daughter went to my moms and my husband and I had a nice evening in together. We went out for late night ice cream and even though I have to get up early in the morning the snuggles while watching a movie made it so much better. This year we both agreed that we felt we’ve rushed the years and we were going to focus on each other and spending more quality time together and even when he is stressed out we still enjoy each other. We are 19 years and counting. It takes a lot to make a relationship with after that many years but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Boyz II Men

Today was the last day for someone who I hold near and dear to my heart. I know that when people leave they are going on to bigger and better things but it still sucks. Some of the reasons it sucks are selfish but there aren’t many people that I have to help me with my issues but when people I care about and get to know me can really help in the middle of an episode but I guess it is time for me to learn how to handle these situations. I will also miss her because she was my friend. The trips to Golden Pantry when we carpool, the adventures of mischief, talks in the office, inside jokes, JibJab I don’t do well with change and while I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it I wasn’t ready. I cried and hugged her. When people make such a huge impact on your life it’s hard to think they won’t be there for the small things. It’s time for me to learn how to handle my illness without safety nets. I know it will be hard but I can do it…I think.

If you are reading this know I love you and you are still one of my best friends. I could never begin to thank you for everything and I know you will do amazing things. I love you.

Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. – Murphy’s law

Today was horrible. Everything went wrong from work until I got home. I’m just so fucked up in my own head it feels like I can’t function much anymore. I’m at an emotional overload and I don’t know how to let it out in a healthy way. I know I want to cry I just don’t know how to make it happen or if it will make it feel any better. I am just going to sink myself back in my book. At least there I can solve my problems.

Live in the sunshine swim the sea and drink the wild air. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love fresh air. I love the sound of the wind against the trees. I work in our office because it has amazing windows and I’m surrounded by the warmth from the sun. I had a decent sleep. I am trying to beat this depressions and this is as close to outside as I’m willing to go. This morning Wayne and I snuggled before he left and wish every moment could be this perfect. I’m working on different things to improve my moods. It is taking a toll on me but everyday I’m getting better taking it slowly day by day: I have work tomorrow but I’m trying to focus on this book and having another amazing day with Wayne and my daughter.

Weekly Update 23

Fuck diets

Fuck exercise

Fuck depression

I need to edit my book

I need to get over this funk

I want to sleep until I feel better

I am so behind on my blog it is ridiculous

I will have more updates soon.

Thanks for your patience

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I cleaned to avoid dealing with my problems and it worked….some

Today I decided to clean the house. I am just stressed out about so much stuff and needed a way to deal with it. So I started mopping, doing laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned out my makeup, swept, cleaned the kitchen, took the trash out. It helped for a little while to focus on something else. It made me feel better at least for a little while. I went to Dollar General (the only store we have) and got more cleaning supplies and I made a friend with a Hispanic lady staring at Scrubbing Bubbles with me well I thought we were friends until she started handing out her business card. So if you read this I don’t want you to clean my house and you shouldn’t solicit people you are weak and tired down the cleaning aisle. I filled my cart with cleaning supplies (see picture below) and I had two people walk by me saying, “Oh you must be cleaning do you want to clean my house too?” I was nice the first time the last time I said, “No I am just buying them because I want people to think I clean my house but hey there is a lady down the scrubbing bubbles aisle handing out her business card you should go talk to her. The fuck people.

Wayne was impressed with all the cleaning I did and I was impressed with myself. It made me tired which was okay because it meant that I might get to sleep. I also found “The Torkelsons” on Youtube which makes me extra excited. I used to love that show especially Dorothy Jane because when she talked to the man on the moon about her hopes and dreams I would do the same. She was a hopeless romantic like me. Sometimes you have to bring in the old to make you feel better.

I need more friends to understand that I still want to be invited I’m just not going.

The Monday excitement of having the next two days off as started and 3:00 won’t get here fast enough. Someone I am close to and love is leaving and they are having a going away party for them today and I can’t bring myself to go. I know comments will be made that they are so close and she couldn’t bother to show up but fuck people. It is so hard for me to socialize sometimes especially since I have to at work. I am exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I wanted to go but I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I feel like my depression is getting better and if I force myself into a situation that I’m not ready for it will get bad again. I am trying to win this fight in my mind and sometimes it requires you to be a little selfish. I just want to smile again.