Growing Pains

So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge


🖤 Day 30 🖤 Favorite comfort foods

This won’t be a long list because I don’t have many because anxiety keeps me from eating. Chocolate isn’t on top of my list though it is my picture

🖤 Deli meats- I absolutely love deli meats more specifically Italian deli meats. I don’t need bread or anything else. I eat it right out of the bag because why not right?

🖤 Caffeine- I can’t have it anymore but it used to be extremely comforting to snuggle up with a RedBull because it made me feel better.

🖤 Slim Jims and popcorn- Who doesn’t love popcorn and popcorn with a good movie. Some people love sweets but personally love salt and butter.

🖤Peppermint- Helps with anxiety.

This is a short list but it is all I can think of


🖤 Day 29 🖤 Top things on my bucket list

🖤 I am doing it right now. This was on my bucket list to have a blog with followers with people who actually enjoy my writing.

🖤 Book- This book needs a fucking title soon so I will quit just calling it book, I know you are getting tired of almost every blog post talking about my book but I am shamelessly self advertising for a book that isn’t finished yet. It is getting there and I promise when it gets out there and is a best seller I will send all of my followers an autographed copy.

🖤 New York- I in a million years could never explain to you what my obsession of New York is but I want to go so bad. I’ve been up and down the east coast because I have family on New Hampshire and we would drive up there when I was a kid on our way to Canada to see more family, but we never went to New York. I want to ride down the Brooklyn Bridge and see the skyline in Manhattan. I have memorized part of the subway. One day when I am a famous writer I will own an apartment, flat or something with a view of Central Park. I want to go see Rent on Broadway sit in a small cafe and write. It just seems so beautiful.

🖤 Australia- This is new on my bucket list because my daughter wants to go to Australia and have a job as a marine biologist. I would love to go and see it I’ve read that it is beautiful but it is always extremely expensive and it is something I have to save up for.

🖤 Plane ride- I used to be terrified of planes but I need to get over that fear for my daughter so I want to take a plane ride preferably not over an ocean my first time just a small ride to somewhere that doesn’t take long and isn’t really expensive or scary.

🖤 Celebrities- I have a list of celebrities I would love to meet and when my book (see there it is again) becomes a movie would love to play different roles. 90’s rom coms are the best and how I’ve come up with a lot of different ideas to write.

🖤 Movie Producer – I would love to be a movie producer preferably my own movie, but I think it is extremely fascinating the way they edit and make movies. I would never star in a movie just help make one.

🖤 Foundation- This is new with my illness to start a foundation that helps people with low income or no income get help would be awesome. I want them to receive proper medical care kind of like a legal aid for people who need help with an illness and medication.

Now a letter from my 12 year old self


If you are reading this then you made it and you are a famous writer living somewhere fancy. I assume that it is from your remake of “Tom and Huck” that they made into a movie. If not then it is the other one you are working on from Mrs. Smith class. You need to read “The Cay” again because it makes you feel better and you will remember most of 5th grade from that book. I hope you aren’t dating an asshole and still obsessed with those assholes in 6th grade also that you aren’t still listening to the same John Michael Montgomery songs. They are wore out and part of a fantasy that ain’t happening. I hope you have found a boyfriend that is better and actually LIKES YOU BACK!! This should include some floppy disk with other great story ideas that you never finished jut in case you need some extra ideas for your next book and you won that lawsuit against SNL. They should never make light of your book it is intense and meant to be a drama. I also hope you have a list of new goals to meet and this is the start to the amazing life you wanted. Your teachers told you that you were destined to do great things. Keep in touch with yourself and make big waves. You are too complex to do simple things.

Peace love and chicken grease,


🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried

The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.

Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.

This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.

🖤 Day 27🖤 What makes me feel better, always

What makes me feel better?

🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.

🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.

🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.

🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.

🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.

🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.

🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.

🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.

🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.

🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.

🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.

🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.

🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.

Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.

🖤Day 25🖤 Best Physical Features

I had to ask people because I don’t know of any.

🖤My eyeballs – I have purty eyes and they sparkle a little too! The are different shades of blue and sometimes turn grayish blue.

🖤My smile- I was always told at a young age that my smile and laugh were contagious. 🖤

🖤 My legs (depends on who you ask) I can weight press about 350 to 400 pounds with my legs. I got it from my dad the strong muscular legs my PE teachers used to tell me if I was a boy I would be a great football player, but I was a kick ass softball player.

🖤 My feet (is this getting weird yet?!?) My husband always said no matter what pair of shoes I put on they look good on me. I think that’s my feet??? But maybe not

There are other features my husband would love to highlight physically that I won’t add. If it were up to him we would go through every part of my body. He tells me I’m beautiful everyday. 🖤

🖤Day 24🖤 Difficult Time- The horrible awful terrible thing that happened…a vague discussion

I dreaded this day. I didn’t have to talk about this yet, but parts of me want to …

So my difficult time has nothing to do with my illness and for a lot of reasons this will be vague so what I am implying is what happened.

I was 19 years old living in Athens for the first time with my soon to be husband when it happened. The terrible horrible awful thing the reason I can relate to the #metoo movement. Just thinking about it now makes me shake my husband didn’t find out about it until 2015 and it happened in 2003/2004. The details of what happened are forever burned in my memory and to this day I can tell you up to the second what happened and every bit of information after and I can tell you this every time it happened because it happened more than once or twice it happened multiple times and I never told anybody. We can attribute this to a lot of the addiction issues I dealt with because everything started around this time. I went and saw a counselor in the middle of this and she told me she had to report it and I lied so she wouldn’t. I numbed myself with it for about 5 1/2 6 months before it stopped and to this day I am paranoid going into public bathrooms and people walking behind me. I will stop if I can and let people pass me.

It is amazing how much they can fuck with your head. You see it on the news and think if it were you until it is you and then it doesn’t click. You do everything out of fear and you believe they have all this control over you because in actuality they do until something changes or maybe it was just me. He used my issues to control me and they Would think I am lying if I told anyone.

When I finally got the courage to make it stop I had a box cutter up to his neck and told him if he every put his fucking hand on me again I will would slit his throat from ear to ear. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it or just completely choked and fell apart, I would assume the second one but I doubt it.

This is the extremely vague description and I realize it leaves you a little confused but please know that when the time comes I am able to be more open about it I will. I know this guy is a complete and total asshole and I would give anything to ruin his fucking life but because of special circumstances I can’t right now. I believe in karma and that son of a bitch will pay one day for what he did.

🖤 Day 23 🖤 Pet Peeves 🖤 🤬

I honestly don’t have many of these. I am a reasonable and understanding person. I’ve had an interesting life so I really can’t judge other people.

🖤 Smacking- I think everyone feels this way about smacking. When my daughter is chewing gum I tell her to close her mouth because she looks like a cow chewing grass.

🖤Talking while a show is on- This irritates me. There is a reason for commercials or at least ask me to pause it first. You don’t have to wait for the middle of a show to ask me a question or tell me something when you had all this time before.

🖤 Multiple TV’s on at once- If I am in the bedroom and I can hear the TV in the living room and my daughters Xbox game in her room it is almost over stimulating and starts to irritate me quickly.

🖤My phone- If I show you a picture on my phone that doesn’t mean I am giving you an invitation to swipe through my pictures so if you see something you weren’t supposed to remember it wasn’t an invitation to look through it.

🖤 Social Media- So the same goes for social media. If I show you a post from my private page that doesn’t give you the right to scroll through my newsfeed. Be respectful people!!

🖤 My writing- If I give you something of mine to read there is a reason asking me if that is all annoys me. I had enough courage to show that much be thankful.

🖤 Talking about yourself- Saying let me tell you something about me or what you need to know about me drives me nuts. You will show me who are you don’t need to tell me because you are full of shit.

That’s honestly all I can think of.