Suicide and the after life

Every year we walk for AFSP Out of the darkness walk for suicide  prevention. At least a thousand people gather together to share their stories of survival, loss, struggles and support. It is a rough day for someone like me. I see families wearing shirts from people who died by suicide less than a month before. I know they are there trying to understand, find answers to questions that will forever haunt them.

They give you beads to wear and each color stands for something different and their is one for people who struggle or survived a suicide attempt and sometimes I feel guilty because I know they look at people like me and wonder why I survived what was done differently that I’m still here. I don’t have an answer for that. I know my psychiatrist told me on the last attempt to stop playing God. He also told me to stop getting high or he was putting me in psych again. (That’s a horrible threat but effective.) It seems strange to overdose not die but still come so close to losing everything.

I was a high functioning addict. In the almost 5 years I was addicted to Xanax I rarely missed work, parent teacher conference or any scheduled functions. I have no idea what happened during that time but I was also taking between 5 to 15 mg of benzodiazepines, drinking at least 80 ounces of Red Bull and who knows how many diet pills every day. I probably got an average of 4 to 5 hours of sleep if I was lucky and was extremely paranoid the entire time. I wanted so badly to end my life. I didn’t want to be here but now 4 years sober properly medicated I’m terrified of the thought of dying. It took so much for me to realize I wanted to be here that I am scared of what will happen when my time comes. (If there is anyone that can actually help me understand the afterlife please email me. bipolaroutcasts@gmail.com) I feel like the afterlife conversation goes deeper than religion. It is something I struggle with now. It isn’t so much the guilt anymore because I know that no matter what I do I can’t change what I did but I have the ability to make the rest of it better.

I’m hoping someone out there understands and can offer some help.

Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.

We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.

We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!

Hey Best friend!

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.

Hey best friend!

Hey best friend! Monkey is 14! I’m so glad we didn’t miss it. It’s ok you spent Saturday morning crying going through baby pictures. It wasn’t only Monkey growing up we saw ourselves grow up and become the best version of ourselves to be her mama. We had so much fun this weekend celebrating with her.

Look at us wearing a sleeveless shirt (it’s too big now!) to the gym showing off that new tattoo.

We wore shorts more than once at the gym and started to feel confident wearing them. It’s the end of the month best friend and we are celebrating non scale victories. We bought real shorts for the first time in at least 12 years and they were a size we haven’t seen in awhile. We had Wayne with us to help encourage us that they looked amazing. (He’s so incredible. We need to be super thankful for him.) We wore a dress for the first time in forever to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We go on vacation soon and those two pieces we ordered will be here this week and we are going to rock them on the beach. I love you and I’m so damn proud of you. You are so beautiful and strong. It isn’t always about the mirror or the scale it’s how much we’ve learned to love ourselves and we’ve come so far. That’s something we had to do on our own. We are getting better about turning every negative thought of ourselves into a positive one. We are just getting started I can’t wait to see what we accomplish but remember baby steps. ♥️

Growing Pains

So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

Hey Best Friend!

Hey best friend! I know you didn’t feel like working out today but you look amazing. Remember we are only 30 lbs away from 100 lbs lost but that isn’t always the most important part. We’ve gone 9 months without an episode, our sleep pattern is so much better, our moods are more stable and consistent. September makes 4 whole years since our last OD attempt. I’m so glad God saved us (He is so good to us.) because we would’ve missed monkey growing up and all the amazing things she accomplished. We’ve done a great job turning her into an amazing young woman. We get to see her turn 14 in a couple of weeks. (Didn’t we just have her?) We would never had a chance to improve our relationship with Wayne and watch him exceed every goal he sets for himself. We are his biggest fan. We would’ve never had an opportunity to make career changes and create memories with these new amazing people in your life. We can’t forget the blog to document and teach people more about mental health. We also had an event and raised so much money for the AFSP walk. (That was a big day.) but we still have so much to do so remember when we start to feel bad open that photo album on your phone and remember why we keep fighting I know some days are harder than others but I’m so damn proud of you. I love you! (It’s totally okay that we cried while writing this in the middle of the gym.)

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤

🖤 Day 30 🖤 Favorite comfort foods

This won’t be a long list because I don’t have many because anxiety keeps me from eating. Chocolate isn’t on top of my list though it is my picture

🖤 Deli meats- I absolutely love deli meats more specifically Italian deli meats. I don’t need bread or anything else. I eat it right out of the bag because why not right?

🖤 Caffeine- I can’t have it anymore but it used to be extremely comforting to snuggle up with a RedBull because it made me feel better.

🖤 Slim Jims and popcorn- Who doesn’t love popcorn and popcorn with a good movie. Some people love sweets but personally love salt and butter.

🖤Peppermint- Helps with anxiety.

This is a short list but it is all I can think of

🖤

🖤 Day 29 🖤 Top things on my bucket list

🖤 I am doing it right now. This was on my bucket list to have a blog with followers with people who actually enjoy my writing.

🖤 Book- This book needs a fucking title soon so I will quit just calling it book, I know you are getting tired of almost every blog post talking about my book but I am shamelessly self advertising for a book that isn’t finished yet. It is getting there and I promise when it gets out there and is a best seller I will send all of my followers an autographed copy.

🖤 New York- I in a million years could never explain to you what my obsession of New York is but I want to go so bad. I’ve been up and down the east coast because I have family on New Hampshire and we would drive up there when I was a kid on our way to Canada to see more family, but we never went to New York. I want to ride down the Brooklyn Bridge and see the skyline in Manhattan. I have memorized part of the subway. One day when I am a famous writer I will own an apartment, flat or something with a view of Central Park. I want to go see Rent on Broadway sit in a small cafe and write. It just seems so beautiful.

🖤 Australia- This is new on my bucket list because my daughter wants to go to Australia and have a job as a marine biologist. I would love to go and see it I’ve read that it is beautiful but it is always extremely expensive and it is something I have to save up for.

🖤 Plane ride- I used to be terrified of planes but I need to get over that fear for my daughter so I want to take a plane ride preferably not over an ocean my first time just a small ride to somewhere that doesn’t take long and isn’t really expensive or scary.

🖤 Celebrities- I have a list of celebrities I would love to meet and when my book (see there it is again) becomes a movie would love to play different roles. 90’s rom coms are the best and how I’ve come up with a lot of different ideas to write.

🖤 Movie Producer – I would love to be a movie producer preferably my own movie, but I think it is extremely fascinating the way they edit and make movies. I would never star in a movie just help make one.

🖤 Foundation- This is new with my illness to start a foundation that helps people with low income or no income get help would be awesome. I want them to receive proper medical care kind of like a legal aid for people who need help with an illness and medication.

Now a letter from my 12 year old self

Tarsha,

If you are reading this then you made it and you are a famous writer living somewhere fancy. I assume that it is from your remake of “Tom and Huck” that they made into a movie. If not then it is the other one you are working on from Mrs. Smith class. You need to read “The Cay” again because it makes you feel better and you will remember most of 5th grade from that book. I hope you aren’t dating an asshole and still obsessed with those assholes in 6th grade also that you aren’t still listening to the same John Michael Montgomery songs. They are wore out and part of a fantasy that ain’t happening. I hope you have found a boyfriend that is better and actually LIKES YOU BACK!! This should include some floppy disk with other great story ideas that you never finished jut in case you need some extra ideas for your next book and you won that lawsuit against SNL. They should never make light of your book it is intense and meant to be a drama. I also hope you have a list of new goals to meet and this is the start to the amazing life you wanted. Your teachers told you that you were destined to do great things. Keep in touch with yourself and make big waves. You are too complex to do simple things.

Peace love and chicken grease,

Tarsha