The asshole tattoo

On the palm of my hand there is a tattoo of a semicolon with a wing it is about the size of a quarter and when people ask why there I say in 2017 because of my job they said if the tattoo was the size of a quarter or smaller we didn’t have to cover it now matter where it was. See that reason is much easier than the real story. (Part of the appeal of the tattoo right there was to be an asshole) but it has so much more meaning.

This tattoo has a special place in my heart for several reasons. In 2017 I struggled with my addiction issues, recently losing a family member, and horrible rapid cycling that caused me to make a lot of impulsive and bad decisions. I got this tattoo along with the Smile now, cry later. I was so out of it I forgot he was working on a tattoo and tried to get it. I was so numb to everything and kept popping pills hoping they would solve all my problems. I remember at that moment wanting to feel something so I asked him to do the tattoo and when he asked where I remember seeing it on the palm of the hand and thought that if I let him tattoo in that spot I would finally be able to feel something, I didn’t want to be numb anymore. He told me he had to press hard to keep it from fading and I told him as hard as you can. I felt it probably not as much as expected but I was so happy that I got to feel something. It was a week after my birthday that I attempted suicide again. (This was the Facebook live situation and you know the rest of the story on how that ended.)

It might be small and in an odd place but whoever I look at it I remember the moment when everything fell apart it was the only piece of feeling I had.

I broke it

Yep. I broke it. I broke the stability and reassurance I had in my marriage. I’m trying to fix it but part of me doesn’t know how. I need that reassurance because I have 0 self-esteem, confidence and love for myself. These were all things he gave me so I never had to deal with them myself. Now that I’ve fucked that up I have to learn how to create healthy boundaries, love myself, have confidence and self esteem. (Any guidance on this is welcome.) I’ve always needed these things but those fun codependency issues solve all problems until they can’t anymore.