I spent an entire day looking for a Mac Miller song.

I’ve felt like shit lately. My moods are completely unsteady. I haven’t felt like doing much besides listen to music and hide in my tiny bubble that I’m claustrophobic and need to climb out of but while I was in google a card popped up about Mac Miller. (I am not so secretly obsessed.) about an unreleased song “leaked” Benji The Dog/That’s life. Of course as an obsessed fan I had to find the song. That was the only thing that would complete my day and make me feel better.

I went on YouTube and got super excited when I saw something on YouTube but it was just the instrumental and just by the instrumental I knew I had to have song to complete the shitty day I had. I searched SoundCloud and every other source I could think of to find the song. I put my spam email comments on different instrumental versions just to get the song and someone actually emailed it to me….. IT BLEW MY MIND! It actually kept my mind occupied for awhile which is exactly what I needed.

If you want it let me know.

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Weekly Update 36

No diet

No exercise

Spent 3 days looking for a Mac Miller song

Working on backdated post

Starting to feel more like me

I’m so tired still

Depression is still here

Obsessed with The Office

Makes me happy

It is the little things

I have BENJI THE DOG by Mac Miller

Weekly Update 34

Still working on updating these post

Backdated post are coming

Starting to feel a little better

It takes so much out of me

No diet

No exercise

Music is survival

Mac Miller is keeping me going

Thanks for your support through this difficult time.

April overview

April sucked. I tried but life happened in between.

Blog:

150 subscribers- YAY I did it!!

1100 views- nope

700 visitors- nope

2 Bipolar Chronicles- nope

3 post a week- nope

10 views a day= nope

125 likes- nope

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope

Instagram:

700 followers- nope

700 posts- nope

50 visits per week- nope

Blog post- nope

Bipolar Chronicles- Addiction

If you’ve ever struggled with dependency, addiction is currently using or recovering this post may trigger you. Please know that it is never my intent to trigger anyone but a warning is necessary.

I also want to apologize to people whose lives I caused havoc and pain. I can’t take it back or change what I did but thank you for whatever role you played to try and save me from myself. I know our friendships/relationships may never be the same but I hope you get a chance to know me the sober, happier version of me.

My struggles:

A- Attention (positive or negative I didn’t care)

B- Benzos. Self-medicating for the things I didn’t want to deal with.

C- Caffeine- caffeine addiction is real and is another form I used to self medicate

D- Diet pills for that extra upper when caffeine wasn’t enough.

•I learned how to recover from myself•

I’ve struggled with this post. I’ve started, stopped, deleted, edited over and over again but I could never find a good way to talk about it but maybe because there isn’t one. Addiction is a hard topic for anyone admitting you have a problem is the first step they say but you can have an addiction to anything, myself I’ve not touched benzo in almost two years and considering my history it’s probably best we stay that way. You see addicts and think why can’t they just get over it right? You also say that will never be me but don’t give yourself that much credit it only takes one time one high and that’s it. You chase the high you will never get again.

My struggles with addiction aren’t what you might see on intervention but I am going to break it down letter by letter.

A- Attention- I was attention whoring at its finest. I would find any and everything that I could to stretch out enough for attention. It peaked in 2015 which if you haven’t read I was a horrible person (and that isn’t for attention like I did some seriously bad shit and fucked up so many people who tried to help me.) I just wanted that attention so bad I would do stupid things on purpose just for a reaction. I lied about almost everything to hide the other things I didn’t want anyone to know about. It got so bad I overdosed twice on purpose because I knew that would temporarily fill that loneliness inside me. I didn’t want to deal with what I actually was dealing with fake things helped cover up the pain I was in. I called the suicide hotline and I knew what to say for the conversation so they wouldn’t call 911. (I do worry people won’t take me seriously after this.) I woke up and thought about what I could do today and who I wanted the attention from. I could manipulate almost anyone for the attention I felt I had to have. This was one of the hardest things to recover from because of recovering from myself. This wasn’t something I could just take away. It took a good 6 to 8 months to finally feel from it. I’m officially 14 months clean from this.

B- Benzos- I feel like this story is the same for many people. I just started seeing a psychiatrist again and out of Klonopin but I told him it wasn’t really working. He gave me Valium and when that didn’t help he gave me Xanax and those bitches were my best friend. I would skip taking my actual meds (mood stabilizers, antipsychotics the important ones) because they didn’t get me high and when I finally did take them I would take 7 or 8 Lamictal at one time assuming that my body would take that for all the days I skipped. (it doesn’t work don’t try it.) All I was doing is causing more damage to my body. So the script for Xanax in 2014 started at .25 one a day as needed, then when I went back prescribed .5 (after assuring him I was out of the .25 and then after that 1 mg and then 2 mg XR. When you are on drugs you can manipulate enough to get what you want. I was out of some of them but what everyone forgot is I had refills and CVS is stupid and I got them all filled in the same week. So I had 60 each of the .25 and .5, 30 of the 1 mg and 30 of the 2 mg XR lets not forget that I still had Valium.

I started in 2014 mid-year after I hurt myself and I mixed Oxycodone with Xanax and that was it. I didn’t really dabble much in pain pills because they were too hard to access but benzos were simple and I had refills. I could go through 180 pills in 30 days. I was up to about 5 or 6 mg a day which seems like a lot to some people but maybe not much to others but I peaked close to 10 mg. I think the most interesting part was that I was able to hide it from everyone until 2015 when it all kind if came out but I convinced everyone that I was done and I white-knuckled so I was okay, but I still was using. I snorted Xanax a few times which is really just a waste of pills because it doesn’t really get you high so you spent all that time crushing for no reason. I did, however, snort Valium. I actually snorted it off my Bible because I couldn’t find anything else. I got obsessed with snorting for a while and snorted Goody’s headache powder cut with Valium. How I didn’t end up with more problems or cause more permanent damage I will never know. I overdosed on Xanax at least 5 times and drove high many times. I have so much guilt for the things I did when I was high especially what my daughter saw. I will never know the ways I traumatized her. I changed my ways because of her. My husband got tired of it and the last time I tried to die by suicide and overdosed on Halcion, Xanax and whiskey he kicked my ass out of the house until I sobered up. I stayed at my mom’s house with a mattress on the floor. I will tell you that white knuckling is hard when part of your condition to coming home is to not miss work. It felt like I had the flu I spent most of my time in the bathroom but I didn’t leave work early I stayed and told them I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was also detoxing from caffeine at the same time. I sobered my ass up and came back home with many conditions one is losing all control of my medication which I was fine with. I was manic at the time of my last suicide attempt. I stopped taking my antipsychotic like 5 months before that. I didn’t even know I stopped. There are times I want to get high but I know that high isn’t worth losing my daughter. I try to find healthier ways to cope with my anxiety. I am proud to say on 9/28/19 I am 2 years sober from benzos. It is a long road but I will get there. I know that I will deal with this for the rest of my life but I think I will be okay.

C/D- Caffeine/Diet pills- The biggest struggle that I still deal with. I used to be able to drink 4, 20-ounce Redbulls without a problem. I think we have pictures of how many Redbulls I drank at once. I was consuming almost 1000 mg of caffeine daily between Redbull and diet pills. I would wake up sick until I got caffeine. The great thing about caffeine is it is cheap and so easily accessible. I had diet pills and Red Bull stashed everywhere. I would chug a Redbull hot. I didn’t sip Redbull I chugged it. It wasn’t about enjoying the taste it was about getting that caffeine in my system. I preferred diet pill capsules. You could break the capsules and snort the powder. I stole diet pills whenever I could. I used to take a Red Bulls to open it walk around the store until I finished it and hide the empty cans on shelves throughout the store when I was low on money. I would also switch out empty diet pill bottles for full ones. White knuckling from this was the hardest thing I ever did and I can say I’m almost 5 months with no caffeine. It isn’t easy and by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m getting there. One step at a time…..