Create a life that feels good on the inside not one that just looks good on the outside.

Work today was well work but it was what happened after that was amazing. When I got home I relaxed with the hubby and my daughter. It is so hard to explain what kind of relief it is to be with them. We went to DQ and played Guess the song which my daughter was really good at. I am proud in her choices of music we did good. We got sundaes and laughed the entire way home. I may not no how I will feel tomorrow but I know that moments like today will make the rough days better. My moods are going up and down but hopefully it stabilizes soon.

World Bipolar Day!! 🖤🖤🖤

It is World Bipolar Day!!

I struggle with it everyday and it hasn’t won it has come close a few times but I will fight it everyday until I can’t anymore.

I think we’ve become desensitized to so many things we don’t think of it as people’s lives. This isn’t a choice and those meds aren’t for fun. They are serious medications and this is my life. It isn’t just a bad day it’s a fight either direction and being ripped in half. It isn’t just anger it’s a blackout violent rage, not just sad it’s almost crippling depression triggered by unbearable anxiety. When I’m good that means my moods are stable for now, but when I rapid cycle it is in simple terms a tug of war with my mind and even if the rope breaks I’m just as screwed as I was when the fight started.

The last 6 years:

I’ve won over 10 suicide attempts.

I’ve survived at least 15 accidental overdoses.

A marriage with a man who deserves an award to handle me at my worst.

I’ve survived months of night terrors

Sobered my ass up and stopped medicating (2 years in September.)

Put the benzodiazepines down.

Learned how to cope without meds

How to ask for help

To admit that I can’t handle my illness alone

Handed Wayne the medicine so I don’t touch it anymore.

Found people like me and gained a twin.

Found out people lie about being like me/ended bad relationships

Understand what love and forgiveness looks like

I am capable of being loved

I deserve love

Not to be ashamed of my illness anymore

Speak out for others who can’t

Raise awareness

Words are power

Caffeine is dangerous

Self care

To love myself

To forgive others/myself

Some people will never understand my illness and that’s ok.

That I’m still human (sometimes I call myself a meta human 😘)

It is ok that this is the norm in our house

I’m not a failure as a mother/wife/friend/family member

Not to pill shame people (my meds second picture)

Not to shame people for their illness because I know what it is like to be shamed for mine.

To love everyone and not to judge

He made me in his image and I’m still one of God’s children. 🖤🖤🖤🖤

It’s been so much a part of my life the thinking that I go through is crucial. I found that if I don’t paint for around a week, I get practically suicidal. It took a long time to figure out why I had these mood swings, and I finally figured out it’s because I haven’t painted. Damian Loeb

I find this quote to be true. I feel horrible when I’m not writing. I can think of a thousand things to write about when I’m doing other things. I have notes on my iPad, iPhone, laptop, pieces of paper whenever wherever I get inspiration I follow up on it because I will lose it quickly. The biggest problem with that is when I am places other than home people don’t feel like me stopping what I am doing a good enough reason to write down a small thought. I use that small thought to expand on what I want to talk about.

Today I got off work early came home, took a shower, started a load of laundry and watched the Better Things recorded on DVR. I love this show and it actually gives me a lot of inspiration when I am writing which is like double bonus points for me.

Mood: I am starting to see stuff that isn’t there and my energy burst are becoming more frequent so are the drops downwards. Let’s keep following and see what is happening.

I was digging me a hold big enough to bury my soul- Mac Miller

Today went to shit fast. It just fell apart and now I want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep. I can tell this is starting to become an upswing which scares me. My upswings are dangerous and extremely unstable. I can feel myself losing control in pieces and I’m hoping that this is just a one time occurrence and we will start to smooth out after this. In the mix of everything I found a song to help calm me down. (I’m uploading that playlist soon) I have many songs that help calm me down and when I start to get angry those songs are crucial. The song I am speaking of is 2009. I need to work on edits and my blog but all I can think about is my bed and wanting this horrible day to end. It will get better tomorrow right??

Turn intentions into actions

Today I worked on edits….ALL DAY! I am proud of myself for staying focused long enough to get so much accomplished. I read the same paragraphs for at least 5 minutes deep in thought and when I get into deep thoughts like this I imagine myself in the book. I am in my main characters body having these conversations and feeling what sounds like a realistic reaction and emotion to have. I guess I could do it without diving in deep but it is easier that way. I have this amazing (some may call it weird) connection with my book so I am able to find myself inside the characters their emotions and problems are mine but the solutions are also mine which comes in handy with the situations that I put myself in. I think that is why it is so hard to give it up. If I don’t have her that means my problems have to be solved in real-time. It is probably for the best.

I am so behind on EVERYTHING. I need to create a schedule but how do you create a schedule for this when you have no idea what you are doing still and you are so unorganized with this and moods make it more difficult.

Mood: I think I am in an upswing but it is weird so it is hard to tell.

Weekly Update 25

-There are more back dated post to check out on my day to day life.
-No diet or exercise
-I am currently worried about my not being able to sleep and wanting to stay awake. I think an up swing is coming and those are dangerous.
-My upswings are always more dangerous and can cause more damage.
-Book editing is going well. I have the foundation for what I want now I just need to make it better.
– I am hoping to publish this year
-I posted about my event that I am doing again this year to raise money for suicide awareness.
– I am working on the bipolar chronicles but even with all my honesty about everything so things are still hard to talk about.
– Bipolar Chronicles Depression/Addiction are next and they are the ones I am struggling with
– I am never going to make my goals unless I start posting daily
– I need help with organization and not becoming overwhelmed especially when I deep in my book.
– I did this on time! GO ME! See you next week

DO IT! As often as you can, to wherever you can. Never pass up an opportunity to experience somewhere new, even if just two streets away.

My daughter left for an overnight trip last night. I miss her terribly and can’t wait to see her today but I’m glad she went and the older she gets the more I know she will venture out like this. Australia is her dream which I told her is a great dream to have we don’t travel outside the country but we do travel around the country as much as possible. I want her to be cultured and be able to say things like, “Yes I remember when I was (insert age) we went there and learned…..

This is when as a parent you hope that you raised them right. You hope that they make good choices and they are good people. You hope that you can shield them from any bad and hateful things in this world but you know you can’t you just have to hope you taught them how to handle things.

Moods: fucked up. I think I am stabilizing but I could be rapid cycling the verdict is out on that one yet.

“A father’s love is forever imprinted on his child’s heart.” – Jennifer Williamson

Today 26 years ago my dad passed away. It started with an accident at work but he died from an incident during surgery. I text my mom on this day every year to tell her I am thinking about her and love her. I do this on the day he died, his birthday and their wedding anniversary. I’ve now added to this my grandma who passed away in 2017. This day is always a somber day for me. I try to find some peace of mind which is hard. I want him to be proud of me and the things I have accomplished. I wish he could meet his granddaughter and my husband. (they would’ve been best friends.) but more than anything else I want him to be proud me. That means more to me than anything else. I know that I’ve not always made the best decisions and I’ve dealt with some really big demons but I made it through and I would like to think that he held my hand and helped me through it and the reason I survived those suicide attempts was him telling God that I still had great work to do and it wasn’t my time. I don’t know if that is how it works in heaven but he may know some people to help me out.

I worked today but everything just kind of feels like a blur. I have so much work to do with my blog and with my book giving my husband and daughter equal amounts of time feels impossible. Today I will just spend with them though. It is a family day.

COLLAB with one of my favorite authors and GIVEAWAY TIME!!!

I love collaborations! I think collaborations show how supportive we can all be with each other.

As you all know I’m working on my book (I’ve been at it for almost 7 years.) and there is an awesome guy behind the scenes helping me out immensely. He is the “where is the emotion” “How is she feeling” “this makes no sense” editor that has incredible patience in my on and off again book journey. His name is Jason Crawford who is also an author and has published amazing work. I linked his website below. He is a available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble ebooks and hard copies. I want you to check him out download books and make your book club more interesting with these outstanding additions.

Now for the fun part: If you’ve checked out his work and can’t decide which book to read first I will help you out. Go to my Instagram page like and comment on this post for a chance to win Jason P. Crawford Starter Boxed Set: 4 Novels – Urban Fantasy, Paranormal Romance, and Science Fiction and a one month membership to audible. I will announce the winner on 3/29/19.