Category: writing

Goodbyes are a bitch

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Navigating Loss and Finding Light in the Shadows

As I sit down to reflect on the past couple of years, my heart feels heavy yet full. We lost two incredibly important people in our lives in 2023 and 2024—my in-laws, who are not just my husband’s grandparents, but the very people who raised him into the man he is today. They were our anchors, the loving souls who helped care for our daughter since she was born, allowing us to work without the burden of daycare costs. Their absence has left a profound void in our lives.

Losing them, especially so close together, has been an immense challenge for our family. My daughter cherished her grandparents more than anything else in the world, and watching her navigate this loss has been heartbreaking. My mother-in-law, who battled dementia, fought valiantly against the disease. She lived longer than most with that diagnosis, showing immense strength. My father-in-law’s decline, however, came as a shock. After falling ill in January 2023, his health deteriorated rapidly, and he passed away on April 14th. It felt as though his body simply gave up on him, and the world lost an incredible man.

For my husband, who had never truly experienced loss before, facing the deaths of his grandparents so closely together was a heavy burden to bear. I’ll admit, I was selfish during this time. When my father-in-law fell ill, I found myself praying for just a couple more years, hoping he could witness our daughter graduate high school. It was the only prayer I made, and it felt like a desperate plea.

But the truth about death is often overlooked: we tend to hold on to our loved ones, even when they are suffering. We cling to them because we fear the final goodbye, not realizing that our reluctance to let go can sometimes prolong their pain. Goodbyes are never easy; they never have been. Yet, we must remember that the relief from suffering is what should matter most. Life on this earth is fleeting, and we are given only a small piece of time to witness, love, and feel before we pass on. Each of us experiences a little piece of heaven, even if it’s just for a short while.

Amidst the tragedy, there were some unexpected positives that emerged. My daughter had the opportunity to meet my husband’s birth mother for the first time. At sixteen, this was a significant moment for her, one filled with both excitement and apprehension. We had shared stories about her birth mother, and while we had never gone into detail about the reasons for our family’s no-contact situation, we always felt it was important to protect her from the complexities of adult relationships. Seeing my husband, a man of few emotions, navigate the whirlwind of losing his grandad while reconnecting with his mother was both tragic and beautiful. It was a moment that encapsulated the complexity of love and loss.

As I wrap up these thoughts, I know there’s more to share—especially the juicy family drama that unfolded during this tumultuous time. Trust me, it’s some crazy white trash stuff that I couldn’t make up if I tried! But for now, I want to honor the memory of those we’ve lost and celebrate the unexpected connections that emerged from our grief. Life is a tapestry of joy and sorrow, and even in the darkest moments, there’s always a glimmer of light.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Your support means the world. 💖

Bipolar Chronicles-Dreams

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A Love-Hate Relationship with Dreams: My Surreal Superpower

Dreams and I have a complicated relationship—think of it as a tumultuous romance that keeps me on my toes. I’ve shared this quirky little tidbit with people before, and sometimes I feel like they don’t quite believe me when I say I have a “superpower.” (Is that even the right term? Let’s go with it for now.) I can stop and start my dreams at will, picking up right where I left off, whether it was yesterday or even two days ago. Sounds fun, right? Well, buckle up, because it’s a double-edged sword.

In theory, this ability is fantastic. It allows me to revisit cherished moments with loved ones who have passed or relive happy memories from my childhood. Who wouldn’t want to take a stroll down memory lane in their sleep? But here’s the kicker: with the good comes the bad, and that means I also have to contend with nightmares. Unfortunately, I don’t have the same control over those. They come rushing back, uninvited, and continue on their own, even when I desperately try to push them away. It’s not exactly a pleasant experience, let me tell you.

I’ve learned to take the good with the bad, though. Those joyful childhood memories make the occasional nightmare worth it. After all, who wouldn’t trade a few restless nights for the chance to relive a sweet moment with a beloved grandparent or a carefree summer day spent with friends?

Recently, a coworker mentioned she was reading about techniques to train your brain to enhance dream recall and even control. I had no idea this was a thing! It’s these little discoveries that sometimes make me question my sanity. Am I just a quirky dreamer, or is there something more to it? But then again, I remind myself that I’m not crazy—at least, not entirely—because I’m medicated.

So here I am, navigating the wild world of dreams, where every night can feel like a new adventure or a haunting reminder of the past. I may not have full control over every aspect of my dream life, but I’ve learned to embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns. After all, who wouldn’t want a front-row seat to the theater of their own mind?

Unpopular Opinion: Motivational Speakers are gaslighting narcissist’s

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The Not-So-Motivational Motivational Speech: A Comedic Take on Positivity

I know, I know—we all love a good motivational speech to gear us up for life’s little challenges. But hear me out! (Disclaimer: I am in no way a motivational speaker. I just share my shenanigans and struggles. Seriously, don’t look to me for advice; I can barely take my own, let alone someone else’s—especially my psychiatrist’s!) Have you ever really listened to what these motivational gurus say? Let’s unpack some of their classic lines with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of reality.

“You choose to be negative; make every day a positive one!”Ah, the classic “just think happy thoughts” mantra. Let’s dissect this for a moment. Sure, it sounds good in theory, but let’s not silence someone’s trauma with this sugary nonsense. Some days, my trauma gets the best of me, and that doesn’t make me a bad person—it just makes me human! We all have our off days, and sometimes, a bad day is just a bad day. So, if you’re up on your pedestal, preaching positivity while I’m over here wrestling with my inner demons, maybe take a step back and let me have my moment.

“You control your destiny!”Okay, this one has a kernel of truth, but let’s not get carried away. You can’t control what others do to you. You can’t control that person who cut you off in traffic, nor can you control that friend who “forgot” to invite you to brunch. Trauma is a tricky beast, and while it’s true that you can control how you react, let’s be real: sometimes we don’t pick the healthiest coping mechanisms. (Raises hand) Yep, I’ve dabbled in addiction as a way to handle my life’s curveballs. Therapy? Yes, please! But let’s be honest—some self-help books are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

“You don’t have it as bad as other people.”This one lights a fire in my soul and brings out my inner Hulk. Look, you might not have it as bad as someone else, but guess what? You have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes in someone else’s life! Minimizing someone’s struggles to make yourself feel better is just plain gaslighting. Everyone has their battles, and just because you’ve read a few self-help books doesn’t mean you get to determine the value of someone else’s pain. Each person’s journey is unique, and we should honor that.

“You choose to have a mental illness.”Oh boy, if only it were that easy! If I could choose to ditch my antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and sleep meds, trust me, I would. But here’s the kicker: you can’t just wish or pray it away! I’m hardwired a little differently, and that’s okay. So, let’s drop the judgment and let people be who they are.

Yes, I know this sounds a bit judgmental and maybe even a tad bitchy, but let me tell you about my Facebook timeline. I have this one friend who posts the same positive nonsense EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Why haven’t I deleted them? That’s a great question! They’ve clearly skimmed a self-help book and think they’re now the guru of wisdom. Oh, and they’re involved with an MLM, which makes so much sense now. They’ll throw out basic knowledge and then act like they invented the wheel.

So, use your own judgment, folks, but don’t let people like this make you feel bad for being who you are. They pretend their lives are perfect, but trust me, they’ve got skeletons in their closets just like the rest of us. So, let’s embrace our quirks, our struggles, and our beautifully messy lives. After all, life is too short to pretend we’ve got it all figured out!

AI vs Ghostwriters

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Navigating the Writing Journey: Ghostwriters, AI, and Finding My Voice

I’ve mentioned it before, but it’s worth repeating: I’m in the process of writing a book. It’s been a long road—12 years, to be exact! Recently, I made the decision to hire a ghostwriter, and I couldn’t be happier with the choice. He has a remarkable talent for helping me express my thoughts while still preserving my unique voice. It’s like having a creative partner who understands my vision and brings it to life without overshadowing it.

Lately, I’ve been pondering the role of artificial intelligence in the writing process. I’ve dabbled with a few AI tools, and I must say, the similarities between AI-generated content and what my ghostwriter produces are fascinating. But I can’t help but wonder: is using AI the same as collaborating with a ghostwriter? Will I still be able to maintain my authentic voice if I incorporate AI into the mix?

As I navigate this complex landscape, I find myself grappling with the idea of whether using AI is a form of cheating. After all, I’m the one crafting the story, but can a machine really capture the nuances of my voice? I excel at the “meat and potatoes” of writing—the core ideas and themes—but I often struggle with the extra “sides” that make a narrative cohesive and engaging.

There are days when I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of thoughts swirling in my head. I just want to get my ideas down on paper before they slip away, but the process can feel daunting. I often look back and wish my high school English classes had focused more on the fundamentals of writing rather than Greek mythology. While I appreciate the classics, I could have used more guidance on grammar and structure!

I’ve thought about enrolling in writing classes to sharpen my skills, but the costs can be prohibitive. Instead, I find myself relying on a thesaurus more than I’d like to admit, searching for the perfect words to convey my thoughts. It’s a struggle, but I’m making progress, albeit slowly.

I’ve decided to start sharing more about my writing journey, the ups and downs, and the lessons I’m learning along the way. I believe that a combination of my ghostwriter’s expertise and the capabilities of AI could be the key to finally getting my book ready for the world. It’s an exciting prospect, and I’m hopeful about what lies ahead. Fingers crossed!

Stay tuned for more updates as I continue this adventure. Whether it’s ghostwriting, AI, or just my own determination, I’m committed to finding my voice and bringing my story to life.