I fucked up bad this time

As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.

This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.

It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.

I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.

Distress Tolerance: Self Soothe – DBT UP: DBT United Peers

It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Boyz II Men

Today was the last day for someone who I hold near and dear to my heart. I know that when people leave they are going on to bigger and better things but it still sucks. Some of the reasons it sucks are selfish but there aren’t many people that I have to help me with my issues but when people I care about and get to know me can really help in the middle of an episode but I guess it is time for me to learn how to handle these situations. I will also miss her because she was my friend. The trips to Golden Pantry when we carpool, the adventures of mischief, talks in the office, inside jokes, JibJab I don’t do well with change and while I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it I wasn’t ready. I cried and hugged her. When people make such a huge impact on your life it’s hard to think they won’t be there for the small things. It’s time for me to learn how to handle my illness without safety nets. I know it will be hard but I can do it…I think.

If you are reading this know I love you and you are still one of my best friends. I could never begin to thank you for everything and I know you will do amazing things. I love you.

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I’m proud of her

My husband is proud of me but not in the way others might think. Of course he brags to people about my blog and Instagram accounts but he is proud of me. He is proud of how strong I am when I need to be, how weak I can be and the ability to show when I’m vulnerable. He is proud after years of hiding my emotions I tell him now when I’m overwhelmed when my anxiety is so bad I can’t actually communicate properly. He is proud of me because I communicate with him and even the tiniest detail can make a huge difference. He is proud of me for being open about my illness and sharing even the hardest of stories. He is proud to see the person I’m becoming and being a part of this amazing person he’s always known was in there but waited to come out. He understands when I don’t want to eat or shower but encourages me anyway with simple things that will make me happy about it. When I hear him say he is proud of me I get tears in my eyes because I remember the old days. He is proud of me and while he can’t combat things like my wife ran a half marathon with my wife took a shower for the first time in days. I know he is proud of me.

Grateful Day 29 Childhood Memories. Important read

This is me with my Granny (my dads mom) I loved this lady even though when I was younger I didn’t understand what she was going through but before that and during even the hard times she was many things. She was paper bags full of popcorn, tons of food every visit, sausage biscuits on Christmas morning, turtle wrestler, gardener, fire keeper, every time I smell Salem’s I think of her, pool, frozen Pepsi’s, snacks for everything, Kerosene lighters, teacher of bubble gum bubbles, hider of bubblegum, homemade biscuits, any and everything you wanted, the reminder of my daddy, beautiful woman, number keeper, sick days at her work were so much fun, she was a beautiful soul and I can’t wait to tell my daughter more about her and now I understand her demon. My Granny struggled with alcoholism and she died when I was 18. I never understood for so long while my cousins and I weren’t enough for her to stop drinking. I always thought she was selfish for her drinking and she could control it, but she couldn’t and now after everything I’ve been through I understand her more. When I was 6 years old my Grandaddy (her husband) died and when I was 8 years old my Daddy died (her youngest son.) so she was going through a lot of grief and even though she tried to hide it from us we found out. I love her and of course just like everything else I wish I could explain to her that I understand now and I’m sorry for being such a close minded brat.

Grateful Day 23, 24 and 25 a beautiful view of nature.

Yep. I am combining these as much as possible.

We went to Chattanooga recently (I promise that there will be a post about it soon!!) and while we were there I took way too many pictures as always, but I can’t get enough of this view. It is beautiful. We were at Ruby Falls on top of the tower. You get a good view of the mountains, Tennessee River and downtown Chattanooga. It is so peaceful like ocean waves it can clear your head and think better places like this even if I am terrified of heights.

Grateful Day 22- Dessert Peppermint bark

My favorite about holidays is P E P P E R M I N T! I love peppermint way too much. It is only really popular during the holiday season so I stock up when I can. Peppermint bark is another favorite of mine. Anything sweet I want during the holidays involves peppermint in some way. I think if everything had a little mint in it the world would be a better place. These are Hershey’s holiday peppermint bark bells. They are really addicting and every time I go to dollar general I normally buy 2 or 3 at a time falsely believing that they will last awhile (we are luck for 2 hours). This is my favorite dessert (well one of them).