I thought about this for awhile it is hard to figure out what I should use for buttoned. There are so many options but I picked this shirt because it is my favorite. I don’t know about others but there is something about my husband’s shirts that is so intriguing, maybe it is his scent even after the shirt is washed I can still smell it. I like wear his shirts he feels close to me especially when he is at work and I start to feel bad. I had a bad dream one night that he passed away and before he went I kept trying to get to him but I couldn’t and when I finally reached him he was ready to say goodbye and he handed me his wallet and keys then drifting away. I sat crying holding one is his shirts inhaling his scent begging for him to come back. I don’t like those dreams when my husband dies it scares me.
I’m just not sleeping well between the dreams and anxiety it’s hard. When I don’t sleep my anxiety gets worse and I start to have misfires in my brain. When this happens my words jumble, my hands won’t stop shaking, I stutter really bad and I can’t focus on anything. I will tell people around me something isn’t right because part of me that is not overly medicated to tell, but something needs to recognize it so we can be cautious in any mood changes. I am extremely clingy when this happens and it is annoying but my husband understands and tries to deal with it as best as he can. It makes everything else I do extremely difficult and the part of my brain that knows better just doesn’t function at all and do things that are “out of the normal” for social settings. My brain just can’t function at this point so something has to give. I need to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I’ve mixed some night time cold meds with my regular medicine so let’s fuck some shit up and see what happens.
I noticed the signs which are important I’m scared for psychosis, schizophrenic episodes, suicidal thoughts, the man you know the shit that happens when someone likes me stops sleeping and my mind takes it as a challenge to see how much shit we can fuck up. We’ve dealt with some down moods but now it’s time for the worse half to appear. Lately, I have thought of every reason to get high and not to. I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.
PSA: Yes I talk about my illness different than most people. If you think it is all fake then you’ve never dealt with me before in any capacity you would know I’m fucked in the head.
– It’s definitely been a rough week.
– The walk was a little over a week ago but all the excitement and emotions went away quickly and I feel every single down as it happens.
– Exercise – The walk was the only exercising I’ve done in awhile and trust me when I tell you I felt every step. I wore jeans and so I chaffed really bad. It took awhile for that to go away.
– Still no soda!! Yay!! I still drink coffee from time to time, but no soft drinks is a big deal for me. I’m drinking more water so that’s a positive.
– Payday is TOMORROW. I am so excited I need the money!!!
– We are going to Tennessee on Sunday and I can’t wait!!!
– My dreams aren’t getting any better so I have to call my doctor.
– I’ve got a cold that I hope it goes away quickly. It is the weather changing so frequently and drastically over the last few days.
– I have an adventure with the hubby tomorrow for his business and I’m kind of stoked about it. There should be a post about it tomorrow.
– I will update you again next week!!
Have a great week!! 🖤
I love this lamp. It has traveled many times and survived endless boxes from moving. I got the lamp in 2004 when my husband and I lived in Athens. The horrible terrible thing had happened already and I was in an alternate universe. My mom came and took me to Pier 1 and told me to pick something out and that lamp was the first thing to catch my eye. My grandma covered the shade with black polka dots to match a different decor. It has since find a way to my nightstand. My husband said one of the qualities he loves about me is my sentimental value to everything. I realize this can be unhealthy but with my memory fading I need those little things to help remind me of good and bad times.
I don’t like to be alone for long periods of time especially in the evenings. There was a time during the summer my schedule was messed up and I was at home by myself after I took my meds and swore I heard someone on the back porch and freaked out. I called 911 and there wasn’t anyone there not even a sign anyone had ever been there. That is just one of the many cases of situations of me being by myself at least that time I wasn’t high. I’ve learned over times how to communicate these issues and healthy ways to be by myself in a healthier manner than before.
I am grateful for my spectacles. I had such a hard time with my vision before I realized I had such great insurance that covered almost EVERYTHING. It’s amazing how much my they’ve helped with everything. It is the little things to be thankful for.
5 – Month my daughter was born
29 – Day my daughter was born
9- Months my husband and I were born
13- Day my husband was born
20- Day I was born
10- Month we started dating
1- Day we started dating
This is one of my favorite snacks. I buy it in bag bags most of the time. It fits in my bag and is the perfect on the go snack. This is as much chocolate I eat ever it will be this and scary movies. I love scary movies but I’m not allowed to watch them.
This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.
Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.
5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!!