6 month checkup

It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.

This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.

I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)

I’ll be the villain

 You’ve been begging for it so here is your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you enjoy it. There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and truth but since you feel the need to tell everyone your side here is mine but unlike you I have some class so I won’t use your name, gender or any other telling information. You keep telling on yourself and also people who’ve heard your side will read this and see some truths in the bullshit.

My situation has changed over the last year and now I’m more involved with the community but these same people tell everyone how I’m a horrible person and not to trust me.  I don’t know how else to say this because I’ve tried to be polite about it but I’m not anymore. The only way I know how to do this is to bullet point. So let’s go:

• If I could make 2015 not exist I would but I can’t and it’s been 5 years so you need to let this shit go.

• When I wrote about what happened I named you person one. I did not even give you a fucking gender to hide your identity because I knew people from our town could read this. You were person one. If people figured out who you were I can’t do anything about it.

• I’m not silencing myself from what happened to protect your fucking ego. It happened to me and it was a life changing year for me.

• I lied during those 6 months. I don’t know how many more times you want me to say it. I’ve seen snippets of what happened and there are parts that are completely false. I know I lied to you. If I tried to tell the truth to you now I know you won’t believe me.

• I was an addict. That’s never an excuse to do what I did. My addiction screwed up so many relationships and ruined trust with other people. I never actually sobered up until 2017. It took me two additional years after everything that happened to sober up. My addiction wasn’t a lie it was the truth. My old job, my best friend both in and out of state but mostly my husband and daughter can confirm this.

• I’ve learned to handle the guilt that came with everything I did. The scars I’ve left on my daughter emotionally and mentally. All the times I drove high knowing that I could have killed an innocent person. Using people for attention including a chat room geared towards people with illnesses that made them vulnerable to the hell I put them through.

• You are basing my character on 6 months. You knew nothing about me before then we never spoke until everything happened. I just want you to know that addicts change when they sober up and had you ever bothered to get to know me you would know I am a completely different person than you make me out to be. I’m not this horrible monster that destroys lives. It is really sad that you can’t even be a decent person.

• You have Pinterest about me and it is hilarious. Did I show sociopath and narcissist traits? Absolutely I did but I feel like we need to keep referring to addiction and if you are “licensed counselor” you claimed to be you would know that. Addicts will do any and everything to get their way and what they want.

• I hurt your ego. You thought you were an expert but surprise you aren’t and you were never qualified to handle someone with my illness. You need to leave that to the experts. I showed you that you don’t know a quarter of what you say you do. I had to correct you on several different disorders because you were stating false and ignorant information. You have a problem with pride and you need to work on that.

• My psychiatrist and therapist didn’t like or trust you. They felt like you were using me to build yourself up to be something you weren’t and as someone who isn’t licensed or trained you were completely out of your element with me they said and I quote, “I am worried that person one will hurt the progress we’ve made and cause you to take steps backwards. They are more likely to hinder your treatment than help it.” end quote. They felt you were inexperienced and as my therapist stated, “Googling as you go to guess the next step.”

• You knew I was suicidal on several different occasions but didn’t alert anyone. You thought I was doing it for attention. (I have the screenshot.)

• If you were a real therapist you know that you aren’t suppose to share any of my information unless it put me or someone else in danger. (See previous reference.) If I was high and told you that you could tell a specific person you should’ve known not to anyway. You showed them very secretive things that I don’t share with people and then let them use it against me because you thought I was a horrible person. (Those are your words.)

• You deleted parts of our conversations to protect yourself. I know you did and you showed me where you did but you wanted to blame me for EVERYTHING and played the victim saying I was just using, manipulating and trying to control your life. Did I have fault in this absolutely but you never took any ownership that you did too. It was easier and safer to blame everything on me that way when someone particular found out you could dictate your own narrative. You played the victim so well you deserve an Oscar for your performance. I owned up to my shit multiple times but you’ve never owned up to any wrong doing during the situation.

• I NEVER told your personal stories to anyone. I felt like if it happened during a private session it was between us. You told me personal stories about your family and yourself but again I have class and some respect for you so I don’t and will never say anything. My business was spread so far I am better off posting it on Facebook. You’re lack of human decency and class is disappointing.

• You still won’t look at me or speak to me neither will others in your family. If you need to ask a question you ask my husband to ask me. Read that again to tell me how STUPID and CHILDISH that sounds. I know it was bad but come on we are adults and you are older than me. You have the audacity to call me names when you need to reflect on yourself and your family. 

• Do not come at me after you read this. If you ask my husband if I will have a sit down conversation (you know since you are a little bitch and don’t have the balls to speak to me directly. Maybe that is a little harsh.) I am going to tell him to let you know to go fuck yourself. You’ve had 5 fucking years and have done nothing but drag my name I don’t owe you a minute of my time. I apologized for my part in what happened whether you accept it or not is up to you. If you wait until I speak publicly about this (again even though I have not once said who you are. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME.) to address the only thing you are obviously concerned about is your reputation but it is trash anyway and that has nothing to do with me. You did that to yourself.

• On a funnier note I am not stalking you. I blocked your number, email, on all social media platforms and I’ve had zero contact with you since it happened. The only time I see you is in public but I don’t speak so I don’t know why you think I care what you are doing but I don’t just keep my name out of your mouth. That is all I need you to do and asked for.

I bet this didn’t go the way you thought it would. Enjoy these 15 seconds of fame I know you like to feel important even though you aren’t. 

Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression

 

Suicide Letter

TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)

Hello,

I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me. 

-Tarsha

Last Goodbye: Queen | All Things Next

Bipolar Chronicles- Depression

I remember the first time my depression hit me hard. I was 19 and it was close to the holidays which I always got really excited about even when my husband and I were struggling to make ends meat in Athens, but it was 2005 and we moved back home and I remember buying him a PSP (they were so popular) and on the way to Wal-Mart I just slumped. I wasn’t happy about it…I wasn’t happy about anything. I thought it was just stress and it would get better but it didn’t. It was at this age we determine that it onset and I never did anything about it or got treatment for it because I was naive and thinking if I ignore it that it would go away. I couldn’t be depressed right? What did I have to be depressed about I wasn’t one of those people. I tried to justify it to make myself understand why I am feeling this way it was because of what happened to me it has to be that is the only thing that makes sense. I never understood depression and I held the same stigma too it that everyone else did. I tried a therapist once before (there is an entire post dedicated to therapy.) I eventually went to see someone a few times but it didn’t help anything. I hid it the best I could made it seem like I could brush it off and if I tried hard enough ignore it until it went away.
There is a gentleman on Instagram who has a page Don’t suffer in silence #dsis and when I started to read about peoples lives I realized I made myself suffer in silence for too long. I wonder now what would’ve happened if I was really honest with myself and got help when I first realized I needed it. What would’ve changed? Would I still end up at the hospital?

My depression is a forever train wreck in my mind.

 

I spent an entire day looking for a Mac Miller song.

I’ve felt like shit lately. My moods are completely unsteady. I haven’t felt like doing much besides listen to music and hide in my tiny bubble that I’m claustrophobic and need to climb out of but while I was in google a card popped up about Mac Miller. (I am not so secretly obsessed.) about an unreleased song “leaked” Benji The Dog/That’s life. Of course as an obsessed fan I had to find the song. That was the only thing that would complete my day and make me feel better.

I went on YouTube and got super excited when I saw something on YouTube but it was just the instrumental and just by the instrumental I knew I had to have song to complete the shitty day I had. I searched SoundCloud and every other source I could think of to find the song. I put my spam email comments on different instrumental versions just to get the song and someone actually emailed it to me….. IT BLEW MY MIND! It actually kept my mind occupied for awhile which is exactly what I needed.

If you want it let me know.

Bipolar Chronicles- Addiction

If you’ve ever struggled with dependency, addiction is currently using or recovering this post may trigger you. Please know that it is never my intent to trigger anyone but a warning is necessary.

I also want to apologize to people whose lives I caused havoc and pain. I can’t take it back or change what I did but thank you for whatever role you played to try and save me from myself. I know our friendships/relationships may never be the same but I hope you get a chance to know me the sober, happier version of me.

My struggles:

A- Attention (positive or negative I didn’t care)

B- Benzos. Self-medicating for the things I didn’t want to deal with.

C- Caffeine- caffeine addiction is real and is another form I used to self medicate

D- Diet pills for that extra upper when caffeine wasn’t enough.

•I learned how to recover from myself•

I’ve struggled with this post. I’ve started, stopped, deleted, edited over and over again but I could never find a good way to talk about it but maybe because there isn’t one. Addiction is a hard topic for anyone admitting you have a problem is the first step they say but you can have an addiction to anything, myself I’ve not touched benzo in almost two years and considering my history it’s probably best we stay that way. You see addicts and think why can’t they just get over it right? You also say that will never be me but don’t give yourself that much credit it only takes one time one high and that’s it. You chase the high you will never get again.

My struggles with addiction aren’t what you might see on intervention but I am going to break it down letter by letter.

A- Attention- I was attention whoring at its finest. I would find any and everything that I could to stretch out enough for attention. It peaked in 2015 which if you haven’t read I was a horrible person (and that isn’t for attention like I did some seriously bad shit and fucked up so many people who tried to help me.) I just wanted that attention so bad I would do stupid things on purpose just for a reaction. I lied about almost everything to hide the other things I didn’t want anyone to know about. It got so bad I overdosed twice on purpose because I knew that would temporarily fill that loneliness inside me. I didn’t want to deal with what I actually was dealing with fake things helped cover up the pain I was in. I called the suicide hotline and I knew what to say for the conversation so they wouldn’t call 911. (I do worry people won’t take me seriously after this.) I woke up and thought about what I could do today and who I wanted the attention from. I could manipulate almost anyone for the attention I felt I had to have. This was one of the hardest things to recover from because of recovering from myself. This wasn’t something I could just take away. It took a good 6 to 8 months to finally feel from it. I’m officially 14 months clean from this.

B- Benzos- I feel like this story is the same for many people. I just started seeing a psychiatrist again and out of Klonopin but I told him it wasn’t really working. He gave me Valium and when that didn’t help he gave me Xanax and those bitches were my best friend. I would skip taking my actual meds (mood stabilizers, antipsychotics the important ones) because they didn’t get me high and when I finally did take them I would take 7 or 8 Lamictal at one time assuming that my body would take that for all the days I skipped. (it doesn’t work don’t try it.) All I was doing is causing more damage to my body. So the script for Xanax in 2014 started at .25 one a day as needed, then when I went back prescribed .5 (after assuring him I was out of the .25 and then after that 1 mg and then 2 mg XR. When you are on drugs you can manipulate enough to get what you want. I was out of some of them but what everyone forgot is I had refills and CVS is stupid and I got them all filled in the same week. So I had 60 each of the .25 and .5, 30 of the 1 mg and 30 of the 2 mg XR lets not forget that I still had Valium.

I started in 2014 mid-year after I hurt myself and I mixed Oxycodone with Xanax and that was it. I didn’t really dabble much in pain pills because they were too hard to access but benzos were simple and I had refills. I could go through 180 pills in 30 days. I was up to about 5 or 6 mg a day which seems like a lot to some people but maybe not much to others but I peaked close to 10 mg. I think the most interesting part was that I was able to hide it from everyone until 2015 when it all kind if came out but I convinced everyone that I was done and I white-knuckled so I was okay, but I still was using. I snorted Xanax a few times which is really just a waste of pills because it doesn’t really get you high so you spent all that time crushing for no reason. I did, however, snort Valium. I actually snorted it off my Bible because I couldn’t find anything else. I got obsessed with snorting for a while and snorted Goody’s headache powder cut with Valium. How I didn’t end up with more problems or cause more permanent damage I will never know. I overdosed on Xanax at least 5 times and drove high many times. I have so much guilt for the things I did when I was high especially what my daughter saw. I will never know the ways I traumatized her. I changed my ways because of her. My husband got tired of it and the last time I tried to die by suicide and overdosed on Halcion, Xanax and whiskey he kicked my ass out of the house until I sobered up. I stayed at my mom’s house with a mattress on the floor. I will tell you that white knuckling is hard when part of your condition to coming home is to not miss work. It felt like I had the flu I spent most of my time in the bathroom but I didn’t leave work early I stayed and told them I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was also detoxing from caffeine at the same time. I sobered my ass up and came back home with many conditions one is losing all control of my medication which I was fine with. I was manic at the time of my last suicide attempt. I stopped taking my antipsychotic like 5 months before that. I didn’t even know I stopped. There are times I want to get high but I know that high isn’t worth losing my daughter. I try to find healthier ways to cope with my anxiety. I am proud to say on 9/28/19 I am 2 years sober from benzos. It is a long road but I will get there. I know that I will deal with this for the rest of my life but I think I will be okay.

C/D- Caffeine/Diet pills- The biggest struggle that I still deal with. I used to be able to drink 4, 20-ounce Redbulls without a problem. I think we have pictures of how many Redbulls I drank at once. I was consuming almost 1000 mg of caffeine daily between Redbull and diet pills. I would wake up sick until I got caffeine. The great thing about caffeine is it is cheap and so easily accessible. I had diet pills and Red Bull stashed everywhere. I would chug a Redbull hot. I didn’t sip Redbull I chugged it. It wasn’t about enjoying the taste it was about getting that caffeine in my system. I preferred diet pill capsules. You could break the capsules and snort the powder. I stole diet pills whenever I could. I used to take a Red Bulls to open it walk around the store until I finished it and hide the empty cans on shelves throughout the store when I was low on money. I would also switch out empty diet pill bottles for full ones. White knuckling from this was the hardest thing I ever did and I can say I’m almost 5 months with no caffeine. It isn’t easy and by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m getting there. One step at a time…..

Hey you! I’m proud of you.

I’m proud of you.

I’m proud of you for getting up and going to work this morning with no sleep.

I’m proud of you for functioning with no sleep and being productive.

I’m proud of you for washing and conditioning your hair for the first time in maybe 4 days.

I’m proud of you for brushing your hair and getting that birds nest untangled.

I’m proud of you for washing your face.

I’m proud of you for doing laundry.

I’m proud of you for surviving and knowing that today was a bad day but it will get better.

I’m proud of you for not going back to bad habits.

I’m proud of you for talking it out and not holding it in.

I’m just so fucking proud of how you are handling everything. You are an amazing and strong person.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from the dreams last night.

I watched you get tortured over and over again and I couldn’t stop it.

I tried please believe me when I tell you I tried but I could never reach you.

The ground crumbled with every step I took it wouldn’t let me near you.

I watched you drown in the blackness I kept screaming to just hold on a little longer so I could save you but the darkness silenced my cries.

I know you are still in there somewhere stuck in the darkness that surrounds you but listen for my voice. I will guide you back to the light.

I need you to promise me that you won’t give in.

It may take a while but I will find you again. I will hold you until your wounds disappear.

Please be okay. I love you.

(I had a rough night last night with dreams and this is a “poem” to myself reminding me not to go and don’t let my illness win.)