Category: bipolar chronicles

Following in my footsteps

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My daughter makes me proud every single day, but right now I’m especially proud.

She’s starting her own blog.

If some of you have been here from the beginning, you remember me talking about my illness and how it’s affected her over the years. Eight years later, I’m watching her openly express her struggles with mental health and share her favorite Mac Miller songs with the world.

Watching her talk about bipolar disorder, anxiety, and self-harm isn’t easy for me. It never will be. Part of me carries guilt — knowing these are things she inherited from me — but more than anything, she is my hero.

The time she’s taken to truly learn herself… her illness, her triggers… and then choosing vulnerability anyway — opening herself up online knowing criticism, doubt, and know-it-all opinions will come — that takes courage. Real courage.

And while she may have gotten the struggles from me, she also got my ability to write.

I have tears in my eyes watching her right now. I’m so proud of her for being stronger than I ever was.

I hope she knows that one day, when she becomes a famous author, we’ll have this post to say I saw her at the beginning.

I’m adding her blog name to my bio so you can follow along with her life — her illness, her growth, and her college journey. It still blows my mind that she’s graduating high school in May.

I pray she listens to me and doesn’t let the world harden her heart the way it hardened mine at 19 — the way certain experiences permanently changed how I see life, and habits I’m still trying to break.

She is the very best parts of us, and I can’t wait to watch her conquer the world.

I know you’re reading this, monkey.

I love you, and I’m fucking proud of you.

Remember your mama when you’re famous. Don’t forget I’m always a phone call away. I can be anywhere you are in no time if you need me.

No matter how old you get, I’ll always be your biggest fan.

You will never be too old to need your mama.

I love you.

Goodbyes are a bitch

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Navigating Loss and Finding Light in the Shadows

As I sit down to reflect on the past couple of years, my heart feels heavy yet full. We lost two incredibly important people in our lives in 2023 and 2024—my in-laws, who are not just my husband’s grandparents, but the very people who raised him into the man he is today. They were our anchors, the loving souls who helped care for our daughter since she was born, allowing us to work without the burden of daycare costs. Their absence has left a profound void in our lives.

Losing them, especially so close together, has been an immense challenge for our family. My daughter cherished her grandparents more than anything else in the world, and watching her navigate this loss has been heartbreaking. My mother-in-law, who battled dementia, fought valiantly against the disease. She lived longer than most with that diagnosis, showing immense strength. My father-in-law’s decline, however, came as a shock. After falling ill in January 2023, his health deteriorated rapidly, and he passed away on April 14th. It felt as though his body simply gave up on him, and the world lost an incredible man.

For my husband, who had never truly experienced loss before, facing the deaths of his grandparents so closely together was a heavy burden to bear. I’ll admit, I was selfish during this time. When my father-in-law fell ill, I found myself praying for just a couple more years, hoping he could witness our daughter graduate high school. It was the only prayer I made, and it felt like a desperate plea.

But the truth about death is often overlooked: we tend to hold on to our loved ones, even when they are suffering. We cling to them because we fear the final goodbye, not realizing that our reluctance to let go can sometimes prolong their pain. Goodbyes are never easy; they never have been. Yet, we must remember that the relief from suffering is what should matter most. Life on this earth is fleeting, and we are given only a small piece of time to witness, love, and feel before we pass on. Each of us experiences a little piece of heaven, even if it’s just for a short while.

Amidst the tragedy, there were some unexpected positives that emerged. My daughter had the opportunity to meet my husband’s birth mother for the first time. At sixteen, this was a significant moment for her, one filled with both excitement and apprehension. We had shared stories about her birth mother, and while we had never gone into detail about the reasons for our family’s no-contact situation, we always felt it was important to protect her from the complexities of adult relationships. Seeing my husband, a man of few emotions, navigate the whirlwind of losing his grandad while reconnecting with his mother was both tragic and beautiful. It was a moment that encapsulated the complexity of love and loss.

As I wrap up these thoughts, I know there’s more to share—especially the juicy family drama that unfolded during this tumultuous time. Trust me, it’s some crazy white trash stuff that I couldn’t make up if I tried! But for now, I want to honor the memory of those we’ve lost and celebrate the unexpected connections that emerged from our grief. Life is a tapestry of joy and sorrow, and even in the darkest moments, there’s always a glimmer of light.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Your support means the world. 💖

Where did everyone go?

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Help Me Get Back in the Social Media Game!

Hey there, lovely readers! 🌟

So, here I am, back from a two-year hiatus (yes, you read that right) and ready to dive back into the wonderful world of social media. I mean, let’s be honest, it’s like riding a bike, right? Except the bike is a little rusty, and I might have forgotten how to pedal! 🚴‍♀️

I used to have a dedicated group of amazing people following my journey, but after my long sabbatical (a.k.a. life got in the way), I feel like I’ve lost touch with you all. It’s a bit like going to a party and realizing you’ve shown up a year late—awkward! So, I’m calling on you, my fabulous audience, to help me get back on track.

Feedback Wanted!

I’m on a mission to improve my writing and reconnect with you all, but I need your help! What topics do you want to see? What tickles your fancy? Whether it’s travel tales, book recommendations, or the latest in coffee culture (because let’s be real, why can’t Starbucks ever get my order right?), I want to hear it all!

And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about my writing consistency. I’ve taken another day off work to sit at Starbucks (yes, again!) and write. I’m determined to turn my dreams of becoming a famous writer into reality. But let’s face it, I’ll never get there if I’m not consistent. So, I’m all ears for your suggestions!

Publishing Companies: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

On top of that, I’m also on the hunt for legitimate publishing companies. You know, the ones that won’t ghost you after you hit “send” on your manuscript. If you have any recommendations (or horror stories), I’d love to hear them! It seems like finding a trustworthy publisher is like searching for a needle in a haystack, and I could use all the help I can get.

So, there you have it! I’m back and ready to engage, create, and caffeinate. Your feedback—good, bad, or downright ugly—is welcome! Let’s make this journey together and bring some joy back to the blogosphere.

And hey, if you’ve cracked the code on how to get Starbucks to make a decent cup of coffee, please share your secrets. Because honestly, I could use a win in that department too! ☕️💫

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Bipolar Chronicles-Dreams

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A Love-Hate Relationship with Dreams: My Surreal Superpower

Dreams and I have a complicated relationship—think of it as a tumultuous romance that keeps me on my toes. I’ve shared this quirky little tidbit with people before, and sometimes I feel like they don’t quite believe me when I say I have a “superpower.” (Is that even the right term? Let’s go with it for now.) I can stop and start my dreams at will, picking up right where I left off, whether it was yesterday or even two days ago. Sounds fun, right? Well, buckle up, because it’s a double-edged sword.

In theory, this ability is fantastic. It allows me to revisit cherished moments with loved ones who have passed or relive happy memories from my childhood. Who wouldn’t want to take a stroll down memory lane in their sleep? But here’s the kicker: with the good comes the bad, and that means I also have to contend with nightmares. Unfortunately, I don’t have the same control over those. They come rushing back, uninvited, and continue on their own, even when I desperately try to push them away. It’s not exactly a pleasant experience, let me tell you.

I’ve learned to take the good with the bad, though. Those joyful childhood memories make the occasional nightmare worth it. After all, who wouldn’t trade a few restless nights for the chance to relive a sweet moment with a beloved grandparent or a carefree summer day spent with friends?

Recently, a coworker mentioned she was reading about techniques to train your brain to enhance dream recall and even control. I had no idea this was a thing! It’s these little discoveries that sometimes make me question my sanity. Am I just a quirky dreamer, or is there something more to it? But then again, I remind myself that I’m not crazy—at least, not entirely—because I’m medicated.

So here I am, navigating the wild world of dreams, where every night can feel like a new adventure or a haunting reminder of the past. I may not have full control over every aspect of my dream life, but I’ve learned to embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns. After all, who wouldn’t want a front-row seat to the theater of their own mind?

New Year and I’m still here!

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Sorry I’ve been MIA between work and life I haven’t had the urge/want to write (blogs) I’ve been working on my book that I don’t know if I will ever finish. It is never good enough for me to publish. I keep getting scam calls from “publishers” but I haven’t thought about sending it out or if I should self publish. I’ve been weighing the options and I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreiciated. So those will be coming up soon. We’ve missed a lot in the last 3 years since I updated. I do have a list of topics to write about but I just wanted to let you know that I am alive and doing well. I also have tiktok now which I’m not sure how to use it to market my blog but I’ll figure it out.

More to come soon! I can’t wait.

PS. Any tips on how to use (Twitter) X will be greatly appreciated.

AFSP walk 2021

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https://supporting.afsp.org/participant/2417645.

Please if everyone could just donate a dollar to raise money for AFSP. If you want us to carry the member of a loved one you’ve lost please inbox me their name and any information about you would like us to add and I will add them to the wall of memories. I will take a picture and inbox you or post it on social media for you. Everyone deserves to be remembered and if you want we should share their story. #bipolar #mentalhealthawareness #depression #mentalhealth #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters #selflove #therapy #psychology #love #broken #art #healing #StatStory #suicide #mentalhealth #suicideprevention #life #depression #halloween #death #love #mentalhealthawareness #halloweenmakeup

Suicide and the after life

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Every year we walk for AFSP Out of the darkness walk for suicide  prevention. At least a thousand people gather together to share their stories of survival, loss, struggles and support. It is a rough day for someone like me. I see families wearing shirts from people who died by suicide less than a month before. I know they are there trying to understand, find answers to questions that will forever haunt them.

They give you beads to wear and each color stands for something different and their is one for people who struggle or survived a suicide attempt and sometimes I feel guilty because I know they look at people like me and wonder why I survived what was done differently that I’m still here. I don’t have an answer for that. I know my psychiatrist told me on the last attempt to stop playing God. He also told me to stop getting high or he was putting me in psych again. (That’s a horrible threat but effective.) It seems strange to overdose not die but still come so close to losing everything.

I was a high functioning addict. In the almost 5 years I was addicted to Xanax I rarely missed work, parent teacher conference or any scheduled functions. I have no idea what happened during that time but I was also taking between 5 to 15 mg of benzodiazepines, drinking at least 80 ounces of Red Bull and who knows how many diet pills every day. I probably got an average of 4 to 5 hours of sleep if I was lucky and was extremely paranoid the entire time. I wanted so badly to end my life. I didn’t want to be here but now 4 years sober properly medicated I’m terrified of the thought of dying. It took so much for me to realize I wanted to be here that I am scared of what will happen when my time comes. (If there is anyone that can actually help me understand the afterlife please email me. bipolaroutcasts@gmail.com) I feel like the afterlife conversation goes deeper than religion. It is something I struggle with now. It isn’t so much the guilt anymore because I know that no matter what I do I can’t change what I did but I have the ability to make the rest of it better.

I’m hoping someone out there understands and can offer some help.

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.

We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.

We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!

Hey Best friend!

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Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.