I’m writing this after my daily 3 mile walk because it’s been on my mind and I think I’m finally ready to open up.
The first thing I want to say to small town America seeing this from my personal social media page. I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. Have you met my husband? He is a saint!!
Anyway we are going to start with some amazing news. I got a good report from the psychiatrist which means everything is going good, my medicine no longer requires to be on lock down and I’ve lost 42.1 pounds.
The title of this blog is just as it says. Today after the gym I cleaned out my side of the closet with all the random things I’ve stuffed in the drawers over the years, old clothes I never wear and finally made room for my stuff. This seems like a normal thing right? It wasn’t for me. The last 6 years or so I forgot who I was and shared everything except shoes, jeans and a few shirts with my husband. (Yes I wore his boxers too.) I just started doing things for myself and I decided I wanted to separate and create my own space so I did….proudly. This is the time we are going to circle back to 6 years ago (it is mostly a cluster) back to now.
July 2013- My world as I know it would never be the same. It was when I was involuntarily hospitalized and diagnosed.
2014-2016- If you remember anything I talked about in previous post this was the self medicating stage. I became addicted to benzodiazepines, caffeine, diet pills. It was an endless cycle of overdoses and learning to talk my way out of going back to the hospital. I became my illness it was never that I had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia I am bipolar I let it define my life. I created my identity around every stereotype of what bipolar disorder was. I rapid cycled between depression and mania. I was self harming never sleeping and was in general a horrible person. If you want to know about my exorcism, snorting Valium off a bible or my brushes with death please refer to the 2015 I was a shitty person and that time I snorted Valium off a bible. (This is not click bait it actually happened.)
2017- My grandmother passed away in July of 2017. I can’t tell you a lot about 2017. I cut back on the benzodiazepines at the moment but never stopped taking them. My addiction to caffeine was worse than ever. I made the decision to stay with my mom at the hospital despite her telling me she was okay. I didn’t want to leave her by herself so I stayed and I wasn’t taking my regular meds popping more Xanax and drinking 3 or 4 16 and 20 ounce Redbulls. I slept in waiting rooms with my mom so I wasn’t sleeping well and all this mixture didn’t help anything. We had family come in town and all of it became a large cluster fuck. Cluster fuck is the best way I can describe it. Anyway right before she passed I got worse quickly. Again I want to reiterate no one made me do any of this and I pushed myself too far with everything. I tried to stay around when they brought her home and help my mom and aunt take care of her. I was there when she died and I even helped them clean her up before the coroner got there. These are all things I should’ve never done. I never thought seeing a dead body or watch someone take their last breath would fuck my head up as much as it did. There weren’t enough trigger warnings for that situation. I should’ve stopped pushing myself because I knew it was hurting me but I tried to fight through it to help my family but I only caused more issues. Anyway after she passed I got severely depressed. I was back up on benzodiazepines worst than before. At the end of September 2017 I overdosed on Xanax and Halicon chasing it with whiskey. The only good thing about Facebook groups is that I went live and they were able to contact my husband to come and get me. I got kicked out of the house and had to sober up while going to work and try to fix my marriage.
Fast forward to 2019- I’m sober now for 2 years from pills and Redbulls and almost a year from all caffeine. I don’t take diet pills anymore and I have a schedule. I don’t like structure but it is a must to keep me from spinning out of control. I’ve finally learned to say I have bipolar disorder and instead of I am bipolar. Bipolar is a condition it isn’t a person. It doesn’t define me anymore it is just an illness I live with and I’ve learned to manage. So I am finding myself again as a person with mental health issues. I am learning triggers and watching for them the ability to say no and step away from negative situations that can cause problems. I’ve found out how to finally function with this and it will never be perfect but I think after everything I can manage.