Trigger warning and rant:
If you can tell I’m being a little generic in the post because I don’t know the best way to tell it and I really don’t want to trigger anyone. This all happened in 2015 for those of you who read this and feel the need to run and tell my husband. I AM NOT USING UNHEALTHY HABITS NOW AND ALSO HE IS INVOLVED IN MY LIFE STYLE CHANGES! This is why I dreaded people who know me to read this. Why don’t you ask me instead of running to him. It is really a dick move.
I used to be obsessed with collar bones just collar bones. I don’t know why collar bones were so attractive to me but I wanted them to show so badly. I would look up exercises on Pinterest that “targeted” that area. I also looked up exercises for thigh gap but I wasn’t as into it as I was collar bones. I would press them everyday and flex around until I could see them even if it was just a little. I would go to all these forums where people recommended diet pills, exercises and other ways to make that area more predominate. I would press my skin down repeatedly thinking that if I kept pressing hard enough they would show through. The more I write the more I realize how severe my issues were.
I had 5 different diet pills to take and I would always exceed the amount it recommended and on top of that I was sucking down 3 or 4 16 and/or 20 ounce Redbulls a day (I stopped taking my meds convinced they were making me fat.) I had a lot of caffeine in my system then I only ate 400 to 500 calories a day, chew and spit but I could never make myself throw up. I also walked 3.5 to 4 miles everyday and did targeted exercises. I started in June 2015 and it peaked around October then my husband became involved and it kind of leveled out by November. My therapist at the time said that I could be classified as symptoms of an eating disorder. I lost over 40 pounds in that amount of time but it wasn’t enough for me.
After this I started Binging all the time. I could 3 big bags of M&Ms and 4 small pizzas. I could finish a large Pizza Hut pizza in a day. I am training myself to have better habits and trying to be careful not to cross over on either of those lines. The right way takes longer but is more rewarding for my efforts. I have a destructive side that wants to come out so badly but between medicine and help from my husband we are keeping them contained.
I am going to start off with if you have a weak stomach are triggered by laxatives or vomiting please be cautious.
I’ve had 0 bowel moments in 5 days so Monday I bought fiber supplements and laxatives. I tried to do this about 2 weeks ago with magnesium citrate but nothing happened. I’ve used magnesium citrate before and it dropped me to my knees and cleared me out but no luck. I decided to try laxatives this time. I took 4 Monday night hoping to have a little relief Tuesday morning and that isn’t what happened.
I woke up Tuesday with horrible cramps so I went to the bathroom and nothing was happening until it felt like my body exploded out of both ends. I had to vomit but getting off the toilet felt impossible so I leaned over and vomited in the tub. The sound of vomiting makes me vomit more. The light was off in the bathroom so when I turned it on what I saw blew my mind. It looked like I vomited shit. I have a picture of this my husband said it wasn’t but I still think it was. After this I chugged peptobismol and had after shock the rest of the day. I ended up losing weight because of it. I will never take laxatives again. Sorry this is a gross post.
Spent 3 days looking for a Mac Miller song
Working on backdated post
Starting to feel more like me
I’m so tired still
Depression is still here
Obsessed with The Office
Makes me happy
It is the little things
I have BENJI THE DOG by Mac Miller
Mac Miller is 🖤
I’m trying to be ok
Check for backdated post
Weekly Updates are easier to do
Thank you for your patience
I love you all!!
Still working on updating these post
Backdated post are coming
Starting to feel a little better
It takes so much out of me
Music is survival
Mac Miller is keeping me going
Thanks for your support through this difficult time.
Please keep checking for backdated post
Bipolar Chronicles coming soon
Trying to get better
Keep following for updates
Thanks for your support
Backdated post are coming
Working on catching up on everything
I am trying to feel better
Nothing is working
Fuck my life
Please check for back post
I am still way behind on everything
Moods are bad
I am trying
Not going to make the goals unless something changes
I need to get better.
Why can’t I follow through with anything.
I am so mad at myself.