Category: Photo-A-Day Challenege

AFSP walk 2021

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https://supporting.afsp.org/participant/2417645.

Please if everyone could just donate a dollar to raise money for AFSP. If you want us to carry the member of a loved one you’ve lost please inbox me their name and any information about you would like us to add and I will add them to the wall of memories. I will take a picture and inbox you or post it on social media for you. Everyone deserves to be remembered and if you want we should share their story. #bipolar #mentalhealthawareness #depression #mentalhealth #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters #selflove #therapy #psychology #love #broken #art #healing #StatStory #suicide #mentalhealth #suicideprevention #life #depression #halloween #death #love #mentalhealthawareness #halloweenmakeup

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.

We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.

We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!

Hey Best friend!

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Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend! Guess what?!? We did it. Dammit we finally did it. We are ONE WHOLE YEAR without an episode. No mania, no depressive episodes, OD attempts, no suicide attempts and no suicidal thoughts. We remember times when days, weeks, months felt impossible but look at us now. We have a psych appointment coming up and we are so excited to tell him all the new and amazing things we’ve accomplished. (That’s never happened.) We have the strength to say no to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that were always our go to. That in itself is one of the biggest obstacles we overcome. We had to make decisions we weren’t completely prepared for but turned out to be the best for us. (We’ve met some amazing new people.)

We are learning to be a mama to a teenager which is hard work but when she felt defeated and we pointed out what she accomplished and she cried and hugged you. That was one of the proudest moments you’ve had as a mama. It’s because of everything we’ve struggled with that got us to this moment. It was a moment I will never forget. We know there will be more but look at what we are able to do for her now. We know she likes act she is embarrassed that we will be at every football game but secretly we know she is excited.

We also keep dropping those pounds. We are kicking ass in the gym. We are slowly working our way up to lifting heavy. Exercising has helped us stay leveled out. (The 72 lbs and counting helps too. It is a big ego booster.) We look at ourselves in the mirror every morning while we brush our teeth and say I love you and name 3 things we are grateful for.

We had to save Wayne for last. He is the reason we are still here. He is the one who lectured us, protected us, makes sure we are our taking our meds and gets on to us when we forget to call the pharmacy for the refills. You took care of us even when it meant giving up your own needs. You have seen me hit rock bottom multiple times but you never gave up on me. It was my decision to be sober and learn to cope with my illness but it would’ve never been possible without you.

So best friend we have so much to be thankful for and we know hardships will come but we won’t dwell on the bad moments anymore we will save these good ones so we remember what we are fighting for. I love you and I am forever grateful for these memories to look back on.

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! Monkey is 14! I’m so glad we didn’t miss it. It’s ok you spent Saturday morning crying going through baby pictures. It wasn’t only Monkey growing up we saw ourselves grow up and become the best version of ourselves to be her mama. We had so much fun this weekend celebrating with her.

Look at us wearing a sleeveless shirt (it’s too big now!) to the gym showing off that new tattoo.

We wore shorts more than once at the gym and started to feel confident wearing them. It’s the end of the month best friend and we are celebrating non scale victories. We bought real shorts for the first time in at least 12 years and they were a size we haven’t seen in awhile. We had Wayne with us to help encourage us that they looked amazing. (He’s so incredible. We need to be super thankful for him.) We wore a dress for the first time in forever to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We go on vacation soon and those two pieces we ordered will be here this week and we are going to rock them on the beach. I love you and I’m so damn proud of you. You are so beautiful and strong. It isn’t always about the mirror or the scale it’s how much we’ve learned to love ourselves and we’ve come so far. That’s something we had to do on our own. We are getting better about turning every negative thought of ourselves into a positive one. We are just getting started I can’t wait to see what we accomplish but remember baby steps. ♥️

Growing Pains

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So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

Hey Best Friend!

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Hey best friend! I know you didn’t feel like working out today but you look amazing. Remember we are only 30 lbs away from 100 lbs lost but that isn’t always the most important part. We’ve gone 9 months without an episode, our sleep pattern is so much better, our moods are more stable and consistent. September makes 4 whole years since our last OD attempt. I’m so glad God saved us (He is so good to us.) because we would’ve missed monkey growing up and all the amazing things she accomplished. We’ve done a great job turning her into an amazing young woman. We get to see her turn 14 in a couple of weeks. (Didn’t we just have her?) We would never had a chance to improve our relationship with Wayne and watch him exceed every goal he sets for himself. We are his biggest fan. We would’ve never had an opportunity to make career changes and create memories with these new amazing people in your life. We can’t forget the blog to document and teach people more about mental health. We also had an event and raised so much money for the AFSP walk. (That was a big day.) but we still have so much to do so remember when we start to feel bad open that photo album on your phone and remember why we keep fighting I know some days are harder than others but I’m so damn proud of you. I love you! (It’s totally okay that we cried while writing this in the middle of the gym.)

How to be friends with someone who is bipolar.

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I started a new job at a new company and I didn’t tell them I am bipolar or have any mental health issues. It is a hard conversation to have and the other job I had for the last 10 years went through all the ups and downs with me. I was diagnosed with them and went through addiction, recovery, relapse recovery again to repetitive overdoses. So they were understanding well as understanding as they could be about everything. I think that is one of the hardest reasons for me to leave. I was worried that no one else would understand what I am going through. I made one friend here (well she was the only one who was ever nice to me) but she keeps confusing bipolar disorder with DID (formally known as multiple personality disorder). We are not the same DID is more severe than bipolar disorder. She also thinks I have borderline personality disorder which again is not the same thing.
I really want a friend I can talk to but as I’ve been told I am extremely selfish and my illness gets constantly thrown back in my face like I can help it. It’s hard doing this alone. I have my husband but he has to “take care of me” which is another post. I just want someone to treat me like I’m a person. I am still a person. My illness doesn’t define me it is just something I live with everyday. Maybe I am trying to force a friendship that isn’t meant to be. I’ve also made friends with other people who only want to be my friend when no one is around. I think they are embarrassed or ashamed to admit we are friends. We can’t take pictures together. I am not allowed to tag them on social media. We don’t hang out in public. If I did something I didn’t mean to no one tells me they just start ignoring me. I don’t understand why people are so scared of me. I know I can be intense but I do my best to hide it everyday even though sometimes it is exhausting. I know it sounds like I am whining because well I am whining. It’s my blog dammit. I don’t really have anyone else to talk to but the people who are reading this. So if you want to be my friend let me know. I am up for someone who doesn’t blame everything on the fact I’m bipolar and throw it back in my face like bipolar is an excuse for “attention”. (That statement made me want to throw the keyboard.) Here are some important things you need to know if you are friends with someone who has bipolar disorder.
– We will hyper fixate on you because we love you and want to know everything about you. We know when we get bad and start to feel like we are being selfish we will remember anything we can to try to take the attention off of us. We want you to know that you are the most important thing to us and we can still think of someone other than ourselves.
– Please don’t ever think we can’t understand something you are going through. It doesn’t matter what it is we are have so much empathy for other people because we understand what it is like to struggle. Please use us as a shoulder to lean on. We do like that you need us as much as we need you.
– Don’t beat around the bush just be honest. We get tiptoed around so much from everyone because they are worried about how we will respond we never know how someone actually feels. We can handle more than people realize. We are strong like that.
– We are so proud of you and everything you do. We see your strengths and want to be like you.
– We hide our illness from so many people we are easily exhausted. Trusting you to see the other side is a big deal. For someone to see us without the mask on.
– When people tell you to do what you need to do we automatically assume you don’t care anymore and we feel all alone again.
– We easily feel unloved, undeserving of your love or that we did something for you to not care about us anymore.
– We hurt our feelings a lot more than anyone else does.
– We always wonder when it will be enough. When will you walk out of our lives like everyone else.
– We have such a strong internal struggle with our self destruction no one knows about.
– Affection makes us happy, uncomfortable, confused and ashamed.
– When you worry we worry more. Have we done something for you to worry about that we didn’t realize.
– We skip time and can’t always remember conversations. We aren’t being a smart ass we really don’t know.
– When we are acting out of sorts (an episode) please don’t lie to us about what we said and did. We are just as confused as you about everything.
– We really have no idea what the hell is going on most of the time.
– We love you more than you could ever realize and are always scared of losing you.

Love us for who we are. We can be gentle giants. We know we receive more than we give but we will find every way we can to repay you.

Maybe one day I will have a real friend to see me for who I am but until then all I have are you guys.

Photo Day 29- Broken

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I was rushing to work eating a biscuit from Golden Pantry when some asshole rushes beside me almost side swiping me and I yank my steering wheel to miss him and it slams into a drain on an island in the middle of the road and I dropped my biscuit which I was more pissed about. I had my husband meet me at the Golden Pantry to change my tire and I was over an hour late to work. People suck!