🖤 Day 21 🖤 Something I miss (without making me cringe later)

I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:

🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.

🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)

🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.

🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.

🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.

This is as sappy as I want to get for now.

🖤Day 20🖤 Where will I be in 10 years?

I hope to have many accomplishments in the next 10 years my biggest thing is to still be alive. Surviving this illness is it’s own accomplishment so is being sober. I want to start there and from this point I want my blog to be an outlet to my book. I am hoping to finish the last of the series. It would be nice to have a good bit of money but beginning to leave my mark on the world is more important. I hope in 10 years to make an impact on the mental health community. I want to make a change for us and for the government and society to understand that we matter and our quality of life matters.

🖤Day 19🖤 – My worst habits

This is a fairly easy one.

Picking- I have this one spot on my forehead I pick when I start to get upset or anxious. I guess it is kind of like biting your nails. I keep my nails really short so I don’t bite them.

Biting my lip and cheek- I have scars from biting them both. It isn’t a little nibble it is the same as chewing food. This is from anxiety. It is how I attempt to calm myself down without hurting myself badly.

Yawning- I yawn when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I make myself yawn. I don’t know why I do it is just a habit I have. I think it is to keep my mouth from talking and saying something I shouldn’t.

Interrupting people- When I’m on an up swing it is really bad. I’m easily irritable and if I think you are being too self centered I will just make you stop talking. If you are annoying in general I will cut you off or just walk away

Facial Expressions (RBC) – My face can keep no secrets. My husband gets onto me about this when we are at church or something for the city and people are talking to me. I just have this look that usually says shut up or I don’t care. When he nudges me I realize that I have went into a daze and stopped listening.

Swearing- Swearing to me is as normal saying the or they. It is a normal part of my vocabulary, I don’t even realize that I am swearing sometimes until someone points it out. There are swears then there are dirty words I try to avoid unless I am around certain people.

Bubble- Whenever I get really stressed out and need an escape I go to my book. I can live in my book and the scenarios I can resolve and parts I can enjoy. This causes me to lose touch with reality and get off schedule.

Knuckle popping- I think a lot of people have this problem. I love to crack my knuckles, pop my fingers or my jaw. I’ve heard it isn’t good for you but I love doing it.

Screenshots- I don’t know if this is necessary a bad habit but I will screenshot anything. If you want to come with something you better have your receipts to prove it. I enjoy screenshots even if I can’t read all of it then I can read it later if someone deletes it.

My phone- I have an extremely bad habit with my phone especially if people are talking to me. I constantly check it and if I am on messenger with my husband just stop talking.

🖤 Day 18🖤 What am I afraid of…..

Things that scare me:

Psych hospital- I think once you’ve been to psych the idea of going back to psych scares you. It makes you overly cautious of what you say and do wondering how close you are to getting booty juiced again. When you are in hospital the world is working without you and when you come back out you forget where you fit in.

Relapsing- Everyone who struggles with any sort of addiction will tell you relapse is terrifying. You constantly think about your triggers and watch everything around you. It also sucks because you have to watch your actions among other people. People who may drag you down to where they are. It’s a never ending cycle.

Losing my husband and daughter- will I fuck up with the stuff above and that be his breaking point with me.

Suicide- What if it gets bad again and I’ve used up all of my 9 lives and this time it works.

My daughter being like me- I don’t want her to ever be like me, go through what I’ve been through. We know more now then we knew back then so we are better off but I know how much is heredity and it terrifies me.

🖤Day 17🖤 Favorite Book

My favorite childhood book and still a favorite is “Bridge to Terabithia.” It later on in my life would serve a whole new meaning. I had comprehension issues when I was younger. I could read extremely fast I wasn’t able to comprehend things that were boring. My teacher called it selective comprehension. I just didn’t like books that were boring and wouldn’t read them. I like the books that I found interesting and that was it. Well in school that doesn’t work. I did my first book report on this book and I was so proud of myself. I cut a line out of the poster board for Jesse to run, got to use the hot glue gun to make a rope going across a river and a few other things. I was so proud of that poster and I think my teacher was just happy I didn’t make reading a book difficult. I have a copy and I gave it to my daughter to read. She said, “Mama I’ve seen the movie.” But the book is better. Usually the book is always better than the movie. This book would continue on to have a major impact in my life. I still read it from time to time and still get excited when Jesse races or sad at the end. It’s amazing how one little book could have such an impact on your life.

🖤 Day 16 🖤 My dream job

If you haven’t kept up with anything to this point, my dream job is to be a writer. I wrote a story when I was 4 years old about why people shouldn’t do drugs. (I probably need to go back and read that again.) I wrote a lot of poetry over the years and long winded stories about some dramatic incident I made up in my head or something I was going through I needed to work on. There was always something to keep my interest. When I was 13 my mom bought a Brothers computer (Yeah how many people remember those.) It had no internet because there was none a few applications everything was in black and white, Tetris and a word processor. I had a stack of floppy disk with different color labels and secret word combinations so my mom wouldn’t know what was on them. I also password protected all of them and could still not tell you what the password was. This is where my dream of writing started. I would write a ton of different stories that I never finished, but I had a desk and computer in my room so officially I was a writer. I always wanted one of those lamps with the green glass on top of it like they had in movies for true professionals. I also had a three ring binder full of poems and stories along with an overflowing amount of notebooks.

When I was 13 or 14 I went to summer camp and brought my old worn out maroon five star binder full of cringeworthy teenage issue poems and one night two girls in my bunk got up and started reading them out loud as a joke. I cried. I took my work so seriously and that ripped my heart out. After that I became completely hidden in my work. I never let people read what I was writing for fear of that happening again. (I tell my daughter that girls are horrible people and it doesn’t get much better as they get older.)

So until now I’ve never really shared my writing. I am happy that I found a following and either you are enjoying it or finding amusement in my bad grammar and my odd content. When I was younger I always dreamed of being in Talk Shows going over the complex issues detailed in my book and I will but you will be the first with a signed copy.

🖤

🖤Day 15🖤 Timeline of my day

My schedule is crucial for me to stay on track. Everyday has some sort of schedule or plan to it. If I don’t have structure I have chaos and no one needs chaos. I absolutely hate structure and having little freedom but it works to keep me going so I do it.

-I am up by 6:00 am

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram (in that order)

-I brush my teeth and get dressed

-leave for where I need to go

-eat lunch around 12:30

-leave there at 3:00

-I get home change clothes

-talk to my husband and daughter

-wash my clothes

-take a shower

-watch TV

-medicine is at 7:30

-In bed by 9:30

This is almost everyday except on my days off. It looks like this
-I am up by 7:30

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram

-I brush my teeth

-Watch TV

-eat

-procrastinate

-check blogs and social media

-start post and never finish them

-pick my daughter

– watch TV

-procrastinate more

-talk to my husband and daughter

-watch TV

-medicine at 7:30

-bed by 9:30

Super exciting stuff right?!?! I have a better blog that describes my feelings about this coming soon.

🖤DAY 14🖤 What’s in my bag

This will be a long post because of all the pictures, but this is what is in my bag.

My actual bag. It is from Flipped Bird and it is reversible. I have way too much stuff in it but I love this bag. I’ve had this bag for almost 6 years and it ha shelf strong. I also have a matching headband.

This wallet was given to me by a friend. I’ve had it for almost 6 months and I’m obsessed with it. It is made by Papaya Art. It has 12 card slots two pockets and a coin pouch. I love wallets and I usually switch them out but I’ve held on to this one the longest.

This is my dirty Clinique bag. I’ve had it for years. I used to buy Clinique just to get the samples. In order to keep my bag from being completely unorganized. I’ve washed this bag I don’t know how many times but it is stained now.

I just got this from Amazon. It isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be. I started towards the end of the year so that way I can try and use it for a whole year. I am not good at managing my money at all. So I am hoping this helps.

Ipsy bag number 1. I have a few of these in my purse. I am obsessed with small bags. I have a ton under my bathroom sink. I keep all of my receipts in here. I don’t really do much with them at the end of the month, but it keeps my purse clean.

Ipsy bag number 2. This is where I hold my gold. My collection of pens. Why do I have so many pens in my bag…. because why not. As you could tell from my jury duty shenanigans they came in very handy when I got bored. I don’t like to ever be without a pen. You never know when a good idea may come along.

My daily planner. My life has to be organized otherwise there is mass chaos. I bought it at CVS.

Ipsy bag number 3. This is where I keep medicine. I always have ibuprofen, Benadryl, tums, Peptobismol, Midol, tissue, hand sanitizer. like to go anywhere and not be prepared in case something happens.

This isn’t much fun. This is for my glasses but all that is there is cleaner because I can’t keep my glasses clean to save my life.

This is my gift card holder and miscellaneous small things. It also serves as emergency items if I ever need to go to the bathroom.

You can find these for a dollar and in a pinch it helps calm me down and refocus my mind. I bought this during jury duty and keep using it in emergency situations.

This is my blog keeper and my to do list. This is part of how I stay organized with my blog and Instagram.

Last but not least my keys. Everyone probably has keys in their bag or somewhere near by because that is how we go places.

This is the not exciting items in my bag. I am simple in almost everything except my moods and the rest of my life.🖤🖤

🖤Day 13🖤 Favorite quotes

Today is favorite quotes. I think it said quote, but I don’t have just one so it will be quotes🖤

🖤 “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Aldous Huxley. -We all need silence to calm down or to focus, but when the silence is overwhelming music will soothe your soul. Over the years especially with my illness music ends up being my only refuge.

🖤 “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley. This is actually on my blog page. I want a challenge in my life I don’t want to live comfortably. I want to step outside my boundaries and do something that will either cause me to fly or fall and I’m writing it right now. I am too creative and smart to lead a normal life. I was meant to do something extraordinary.

🖤“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

🖤 “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”~ T.E. Lawrence

🖤“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”-Maria Robinson

🖤 “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

🖤 “It’s the village girl who will change the world”. – Kelly Cutrone Don’t worry I’m finally on my way. I am coming out the gate running strong.

🖤“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Everybody’s at war with different things…I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.” ― Tupac Shakur I feel this everyday. I am feel like I am always struggling with my heart and conscience everyday.

🖤 “You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Trust your own judgement, live with it and love it.” – Nas

🖤Day 7🖤 10 favorite foods

I know I should’ve posted this yesterday but I wasn’t feeling great. (I will talk about that in a different post)

My 10 favorite foods: I am going to try and not repeat the foods with different names.

🖤 Italian Deli Meats- Pancetta, Prosciutto, hard Salami, Pepperoni to name a few and I can eat them without bread or cheese just straight out of the bag while I’m watching tv or writing.

🖤 Cheese- Smoked Gouda, Havart (with dill), Gorgonzola, Brie, Blue Cheese….the list goes on I can also just eat these by themselves no extra effort needed.

🖤 Pizza- I could live off of pizzas if I knew I wouldn’t become severely overweight. I love any and all kinds except Hawaiian (never cares for pineapples) I can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting…. great now I want pizza.

🖤Cucumbers- Is there ever a bad time for cucumbers? I can go to the store and buy 5 or 6 of them and they may last two days. If I want to get creative I will take those, olives (next on my list) my deli meats and some cheeses to make an epic bowl of goodness.

🖤 Olives (black olives) I can eat them by themselves I like the green but prefer black olives. There is something about the tanginess and a bit bitter that I enjoy so much.

🖤 chocolate mint- Any and everything chocolate mint tastes so good. I prefer it with dark chocolate (the Hershey bars) but you can’t go wrong with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is one of the few sweet foods I like

🖤 Steak- If I have extra money and want to go big balling I will buy steak. I will my steak still bleeding but not mooing. Filet tips are my favorite mix it in with a good sauce and sauté some mushrooms. It doesn’t get much better than that.

🖤 Risotto- Rosemary Brie from my favorite restaurant or any other kind I’m not picky. I wish I had the patience to make it, but I don’t so I just buy it from people who do. If you’ve never tried Risotto I would recommend it.

🖤 Pasta- Can you go wrong with a good lasagna some tortellinis filled with spinach. The answer is no you can’t go wrong with any type of pasta.

🖤Slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I’m not not fond of sweets. I, however LOVE slim Jim’s, almost every type of jerky.

These list are hard to do.