TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I remember the first time my depression hit me hard. I was 19 and it was close to the holidays which I always got really excited about even when my husband and I were struggling to make ends meat in Athens, but it was 2005 and we moved back home and I remember buying him a PSP (they were so popular) and on the way to Wal-Mart I just slumped. I wasn’t happy about it…I wasn’t happy about anything. I thought it was just stress and it would get better but it didn’t. It was at this age we determine that it onset and I never did anything about it or got treatment for it because I was naive and thinking if I ignore it that it would go away. I couldn’t be depressed right? What did I have to be depressed about I wasn’t one of those people. I tried to justify it to make myself understand why I am feeling this way it was because of what happened to me it has to be that is the only thing that makes sense. I never understood depression and I held the same stigma too it that everyone else did. I tried a therapist once before (there is an entire post dedicated to therapy.) I eventually went to see someone a few times but it didn’t help anything. I hid it the best I could made it seem like I could brush it off and if I tried hard enough ignore it until it went away.
There is a gentleman on Instagram who has a page Don’t suffer in silence #dsis and when I started to read about peoples lives I realized I made myself suffer in silence for too long. I wonder now what would’ve happened if I was really honest with myself and got help when I first realized I needed it. What would’ve changed? Would I still end up at the hospital?
My depression is a forever train wreck in my mind.
I’ve felt like shit lately. My moods are completely unsteady. I haven’t felt like doing much besides listen to music and hide in my tiny bubble that I’m claustrophobic and need to climb out of but while I was in google a card popped up about Mac Miller. (I am not so secretly obsessed.) about an unreleased song “leaked” Benji The Dog/That’s life. Of course as an obsessed fan I had to find the song. That was the only thing that would complete my day and make me feel better.
I went on YouTube and got super excited when I saw something on YouTube but it was just the instrumental and just by the instrumental I knew I had to have song to complete the shitty day I had. I searched SoundCloud and every other source I could think of to find the song. I put my spam email comments on different instrumental versions just to get the song and someone actually emailed it to me….. IT BLEW MY MIND! It actually kept my mind occupied for awhile which is exactly what I needed.
If you’ve ever struggled with dependency, addiction is currently using or recovering this post may trigger you. Please know that it is never my intent to trigger anyone but a warning is necessary.
I also want to apologize to people whose lives I caused havoc and pain. I can’t take it back or change what I did but thank you for whatever role you played to try and save me from myself. I know our friendships/relationships may never be the same but I hope you get a chance to know me the sober, happier version of me.
A- Attention (positive or negative I didn’t care)
B- Benzos. Self-medicating for the things I didn’t want to deal with.
C- Caffeine- caffeine addiction is real and is another form I used to self medicate
D- Diet pills for that extra upper when caffeine wasn’t enough.
•I learned how to recover from myself•
I’ve struggled with this post. I’ve started, stopped, deleted, edited over and over again but I could never find a good way to talk about it but maybe because there isn’t one. Addiction is a hard topic for anyone admitting you have a problem is the first step they say but you can have an addiction to anything, myself I’ve not touched benzo in almost two years and considering my history it’s probably best we stay that way. You see addicts and think why can’t they just get over it right? You also say that will never be me but don’t give yourself that much credit it only takes one time one high and that’s it. You chase the high you will never get again.
My struggles with addiction aren’t what you might see on intervention but I am going to break it down letter by letter.
A- Attention- I was attention whoring at its finest. I would find any and everything that I could to stretch out enough for attention. It peaked in 2015 which if you haven’t read I was a horrible person (and that isn’t for attention like I did some seriously bad shit and fucked up so many people who tried to help me.) I just wanted that attention so bad I would do stupid things on purpose just for a reaction. I lied about almost everything to hide the other things I didn’t want anyone to know about. It got so bad I overdosed twice on purpose because I knew that would temporarily fill that loneliness inside me. I didn’t want to deal with what I actually was dealing with fake things helped cover up the pain I was in. I called the suicide hotline and I knew what to say for the conversation so they wouldn’t call 911. (I do worry people won’t take me seriously after this.) I woke up and thought about what I could do today and who I wanted the attention from. I could manipulate almost anyone for the attention I felt I had to have. This was one of the hardest things to recover from because of recovering from myself. This wasn’t something I could just take away. It took a good 6 to 8 months to finally feel from it. I’m officially 14 months clean from this.
B- Benzos- I feel like this story is the same for many people. I just started seeing a psychiatrist again and out of Klonopin but I told him it wasn’t really working. He gave me Valium and when that didn’t help he gave me Xanax and those bitches were my best friend. I would skip taking my actual meds (mood stabilizers, antipsychotics the important ones) because they didn’t get me high and when I finally did take them I would take 7 or 8 Lamictal at one time assuming that my body would take that for all the days I skipped. (it doesn’t work don’t try it.) All I was doing is causing more damage to my body. So the script for Xanax in 2014 started at .25 one a day as needed, then when I went back prescribed .5 (after assuring him I was out of the .25 and then after that 1 mg and then 2 mg XR. When you are on drugs you can manipulate enough to get what you want. I was out of some of them but what everyone forgot is I had refills and CVS is stupid and I got them all filled in the same week. So I had 60 each of the .25 and .5, 30 of the 1 mg and 30 of the 2 mg XR lets not forget that I still had Valium.
I started in 2014 mid-year after I hurt myself and I mixed Oxycodone with Xanax and that was it. I didn’t really dabble much in pain pills because they were too hard to access but benzos were simple and I had refills. I could go through 180 pills in 30 days. I was up to about 5 or 6 mg a day which seems like a lot to some people but maybe not much to others but I peaked close to 10 mg. I think the most interesting part was that I was able to hide it from everyone until 2015 when it all kind if came out but I convinced everyone that I was done and I white-knuckled so I was okay, but I still was using. I snorted Xanax a few times which is really just a waste of pills because it doesn’t really get you high so you spent all that time crushing for no reason. I did, however, snort Valium. I actually snorted it off my Bible because I couldn’t find anything else. I got obsessed with snorting for a while and snorted Goody’s headache powder cut with Valium. How I didn’t end up with more problems or cause more permanent damage I will never know. I overdosed on Xanax at least 5 times and drove high many times. I have so much guilt for the things I did when I was high especially what my daughter saw. I will never know the ways I traumatized her. I changed my ways because of her. My husband got tired of it and the last time I tried to die by suicide and overdosed on Halcion, Xanax and whiskey he kicked my ass out of the house until I sobered up. I stayed at my mom’s house with a mattress on the floor. I will tell you that white knuckling is hard when part of your condition to coming home is to not miss work. It felt like I had the flu I spent most of my time in the bathroom but I didn’t leave work early I stayed and told them I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was also detoxing from caffeine at the same time. I sobered my ass up and came back home with many conditions one is losing all control of my medication which I was fine with. I was manic at the time of my last suicide attempt. I stopped taking my antipsychotic like 5 months before that. I didn’t even know I stopped. There are times I want to get high but I know that high isn’t worth losing my daughter. I try to find healthier ways to cope with my anxiety. I am proud to say on 9/28/19 I am 2 years sober from benzos. It is a long road but I will get there. I know that I will deal with this for the rest of my life but I think I will be okay.
C/D- Caffeine/Diet pills- The biggest struggle that I still deal with. I used to be able to drink 4, 20-ounce Redbulls without a problem. I think we have pictures of how many Redbulls I drank at once. I was consuming almost 1000 mg of caffeine daily between Redbull and diet pills. I would wake up sick until I got caffeine. The great thing about caffeine is it is cheap and so easily accessible. I had diet pills and Red Bull stashed everywhere. I would chug a Redbull hot. I didn’t sip Redbull I chugged it. It wasn’t about enjoying the taste it was about getting that caffeine in my system. I preferred diet pill capsules. You could break the capsules and snort the powder. I stole diet pills whenever I could. I used to take a Red Bulls to open it walk around the store until I finished it and hide the empty cans on shelves throughout the store when I was low on money. I would also switch out empty diet pill bottles for full ones. White knuckling from this was the hardest thing I ever did and I can say I’m almost 5 months with no caffeine. It isn’t easy and by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m getting there. One step at a time…..
Suicide is not a topic comfortably discussed by anyone and sometimes not even me. I have tried to die by suicide many times I think I tried to count it up in a previous post but I think adding a number to it will send the wrong message right now. I DID have a ton of different suicide notes, methods, videos, DNR’s that are notarized, funeral plans…. you get the point. It WAS like a really fucked up scrapbook. You get the point of my suicide issues. It is very important to point out that people do not commit suicide they die by suicide. This is suicide from one perspective my case may or may not be like others also understand from this point I will be descriptive in some aspects so again just a trigger warning.
I feel like we should be able to openly discuss our suicide thoughts without the stigma attached that we are suicidal because I am not suicidal but of course I’ve had thoughts they never leave you (or maybe just me) There is always that moment of it would be easier if I wasn’t here. That one moment that thought crosses your mind doesn’t mean you are suicidal nor does it classify as suicidal ideation it is just a thought that crosses your mind like what am I having for dinner. The state it happens and whether you choose to act on it is a completely different thing. I know it sounds like I am normalizing suicide because….I am. If we were completely honest with the thought of not being judged by anyone how open would you be about your suicidal thoughts do you think it would make you feel better? If you could go to a love one and say this is how I am feeling and them not automatically send you to psych. What if you just were able to be open about suicide? I told you about my fucked up scrapbook that I am proud to say has been thrown away now. Does that mean another one will pop up? I don’t know. I know lately I’ve been depressed and the thought of just disappearing sounds great at times then at others its like umm……no. I am in that frame of mind where I am able to differentiate the two, but it is also important in this same aspect that I am able to tell my husband. He also has learned the differences over the years. If we want to have a serious discussion about suicide and my feelings I need him to know that I am talking about it because it is on my mind but not because I want to but because I want this fucking thought out of my head.
You know suicide/mental may not be a topic at a dinner party but neither is politics but people talk about it anyway. What if we hosted parties for people to talk about their mental health? What if instead of discussing who was a better president we talk about antidepressants and suicide? Would that be awkward? I have tried to die by suicide enough times that I would have plenty of stories to tell. We need to be more open about suicide and make it okay for people to come to you for help. What if we actually were able to talk about it without worrying about people getting uncomfortable would it stop you? Would you second guess yourself (there are times when it is so bad that no matter what anyone does it doesn’t help.) would you feel better? We need to talk about suicide and share stories within reason because somewhere in our paths down this mental health hellhole we are stuck in it could help someone else. So lets be open and tell our stories with trigger warnings but we can be the ones who make it okay for someone else to ask for help. So please be the change and let’s make mental health an open ended discussion.
If you or someone you know is suicidal please call the suicide hotline 800-273-8255 or text talk to 741741
Hello psychosis my old friend. You are a pain in the ass and I wish you would go away but you are always nearby. You take many different shapes and forms depending on what is happening but your favorite is The Man. I’ve talked about The Man some he is the one who watches me sleep and even though people don’t think he is real, he is real to me and he is not a kind or a spirit to help guide me on my path like therapist want to tell me. He is what nightmares of made of and even when I’m medicated he is still there maybe not talking to me but he is watching me all the time. He is always there and they keep adjusting medicine hoping it makes a difference but it doesn’t and maybe therapy will help but they always want to say that he is a positive entity if I allow him to be, but he isn’t positive and never will be for you to tell me to look at him and think positive thoughts proves to me you’ve never dealt with something like this before and you are not qualified to do your job. I don’t handle people well that claim they can treat mental health but have 0 clue on what the fuck I am actually talking about again why I don’t like therapist but back to the man. When I get really bad he follows me outside the bedroom and he controls part of my mind. They tell me that these delusions and hallucinations are because of my medicine but it happened without my medicine and it is usually worse without medication. He tells me not to take my medicine and how everyone is trying to control me and I need to break free from everyone he also tells me I don’t need my meds. It’s weird because he looks like Slenderman (he was here before slenderman was a thing.) I don’t understand how anyone could say anything positive about him especially that he is a guide here to help me. He’s hanging around again and as much as I try to avoid him he is getting worse and I can hear him talking to me. I know that skipping time is part of what happens with him and what started out to be 45 minutes a day is more than hour now. Skipping time is the start to usually a very long and self destructing path. We haven’t really dealt with it without me self medicating so I don’t know how or what we are going to do to help combat it.
Marriage is complicated, all relationships are complicated but marriage/relationships with mental health feel impossible. I know I talk about my husband all the time and how wonderful he is but our marriage is hard and our relationship is messy. He has trust issues with me not because I never cheated but because I’ve lied about money, caffeine, medicine, my moods so it makes it hard for him To trust me but it also means he worries all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with me all the time I don’t want to deal with me majority of the time and I have to.
We got in a fight the other night because I had Starbucks double shot energy drinks hidden in a drawer. I lost the will to fight against it and I had two on different days but hid them in the drawer. I hid them because I promised I would do better and not drink energy drinks anymore. I lied about not drinking them and what hurts worse than someone being mad at you is someone being disappointed in you. When someone says they are disappointed in you your heart breaks completely. I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up and wanting to talk it out with him. I wanted to make it all better by everything I said kept making it worse. All I did was dig myself deeper in a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I just wanted him to forgive me for yet another fuck up and I know everyone will say people make mistakes I just make the same damn one over and over again. He just got to where he could trust me to be responsible again and I did this. I could’ve talked to him and should’ve talked to him about it instead of giving in. Caffeine for me is an addiction no it isn’t as strong as drugs or the benzos but it’s a dangerous habit that can cause horrible consequences. I understand why he is mad and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how many more fuck ups I have before he says enough is enough. Sometimes I hate this illness so much I wish I could make it go away.