Category: Grateful Challenge

I fucked up bad this time

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As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.

This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.

It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.

I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.

Distress Tolerance: Self Soothe – DBT UP: DBT United Peers

How to be friends with someone who is bipolar.

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I started a new job at a new company and I didn’t tell them I am bipolar or have any mental health issues. It is a hard conversation to have and the other job I had for the last 10 years went through all the ups and downs with me. I was diagnosed with them and went through addiction, recovery, relapse recovery again to repetitive overdoses. So they were understanding well as understanding as they could be about everything. I think that is one of the hardest reasons for me to leave. I was worried that no one else would understand what I am going through. I made one friend here (well she was the only one who was ever nice to me) but she keeps confusing bipolar disorder with DID (formally known as multiple personality disorder). We are not the same DID is more severe than bipolar disorder. She also thinks I have borderline personality disorder which again is not the same thing.
I really want a friend I can talk to but as I’ve been told I am extremely selfish and my illness gets constantly thrown back in my face like I can help it. It’s hard doing this alone. I have my husband but he has to “take care of me” which is another post. I just want someone to treat me like I’m a person. I am still a person. My illness doesn’t define me it is just something I live with everyday. Maybe I am trying to force a friendship that isn’t meant to be. I’ve also made friends with other people who only want to be my friend when no one is around. I think they are embarrassed or ashamed to admit we are friends. We can’t take pictures together. I am not allowed to tag them on social media. We don’t hang out in public. If I did something I didn’t mean to no one tells me they just start ignoring me. I don’t understand why people are so scared of me. I know I can be intense but I do my best to hide it everyday even though sometimes it is exhausting. I know it sounds like I am whining because well I am whining. It’s my blog dammit. I don’t really have anyone else to talk to but the people who are reading this. So if you want to be my friend let me know. I am up for someone who doesn’t blame everything on the fact I’m bipolar and throw it back in my face like bipolar is an excuse for “attention”. (That statement made me want to throw the keyboard.) Here are some important things you need to know if you are friends with someone who has bipolar disorder.
– We will hyper fixate on you because we love you and want to know everything about you. We know when we get bad and start to feel like we are being selfish we will remember anything we can to try to take the attention off of us. We want you to know that you are the most important thing to us and we can still think of someone other than ourselves.
– Please don’t ever think we can’t understand something you are going through. It doesn’t matter what it is we are have so much empathy for other people because we understand what it is like to struggle. Please use us as a shoulder to lean on. We do like that you need us as much as we need you.
– Don’t beat around the bush just be honest. We get tiptoed around so much from everyone because they are worried about how we will respond we never know how someone actually feels. We can handle more than people realize. We are strong like that.
– We are so proud of you and everything you do. We see your strengths and want to be like you.
– We hide our illness from so many people we are easily exhausted. Trusting you to see the other side is a big deal. For someone to see us without the mask on.
– When people tell you to do what you need to do we automatically assume you don’t care anymore and we feel all alone again.
– We easily feel unloved, undeserving of your love or that we did something for you to not care about us anymore.
– We hurt our feelings a lot more than anyone else does.
– We always wonder when it will be enough. When will you walk out of our lives like everyone else.
– We have such a strong internal struggle with our self destruction no one knows about.
– Affection makes us happy, uncomfortable, confused and ashamed.
– When you worry we worry more. Have we done something for you to worry about that we didn’t realize.
– We skip time and can’t always remember conversations. We aren’t being a smart ass we really don’t know.
– When we are acting out of sorts (an episode) please don’t lie to us about what we said and did. We are just as confused as you about everything.
– We really have no idea what the hell is going on most of the time.
– We love you more than you could ever realize and are always scared of losing you.

Love us for who we are. We can be gentle giants. We know we receive more than we give but we will find every way we can to repay you.

Maybe one day I will have a real friend to see me for who I am but until then all I have are you guys.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Boyz II Men

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Today was the last day for someone who I hold near and dear to my heart. I know that when people leave they are going on to bigger and better things but it still sucks. Some of the reasons it sucks are selfish but there aren’t many people that I have to help me with my issues but when people I care about and get to know me can really help in the middle of an episode but I guess it is time for me to learn how to handle these situations. I will also miss her because she was my friend. The trips to Golden Pantry when we carpool, the adventures of mischief, talks in the office, inside jokes, JibJab I don’t do well with change and while I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it I wasn’t ready. I cried and hugged her. When people make such a huge impact on your life it’s hard to think they won’t be there for the small things. It’s time for me to learn how to handle my illness without safety nets. I know it will be hard but I can do it…I think.

If you are reading this know I love you and you are still one of my best friends. I could never begin to thank you for everything and I know you will do amazing things. I love you.

Yearly Goals- Blog

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I’m proud of her

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My husband is proud of me but not in the way others might think. Of course he brags to people about my blog and Instagram accounts but he is proud of me. He is proud of how strong I am when I need to be, how weak I can be and the ability to show when I’m vulnerable. He is proud after years of hiding my emotions I tell him now when I’m overwhelmed when my anxiety is so bad I can’t actually communicate properly. He is proud of me because I communicate with him and even the tiniest detail can make a huge difference. He is proud of me for being open about my illness and sharing even the hardest of stories. He is proud to see the person I’m becoming and being a part of this amazing person he’s always known was in there but waited to come out. He understands when I don’t want to eat or shower but encourages me anyway with simple things that will make me happy about it. When I hear him say he is proud of me I get tears in my eyes because I remember the old days. He is proud of me and while he can’t combat things like my wife ran a half marathon with my wife took a shower for the first time in days. I know he is proud of me.

Grateful Day 29 Childhood Memories. Important read

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This is me with my Granny (my dads mom) I loved this lady even though when I was younger I didn’t understand what she was going through but before that and during even the hard times she was many things. She was paper bags full of popcorn, tons of food every visit, sausage biscuits on Christmas morning, turtle wrestler, gardener, fire keeper, every time I smell Salem’s I think of her, pool, frozen Pepsi’s, snacks for everything, Kerosene lighters, teacher of bubble gum bubbles, hider of bubblegum, homemade biscuits, any and everything you wanted, the reminder of my daddy, beautiful woman, number keeper, sick days at her work were so much fun, she was a beautiful soul and I can’t wait to tell my daughter more about her and now I understand her demon. My Granny struggled with alcoholism and she died when I was 18. I never understood for so long while my cousins and I weren’t enough for her to stop drinking. I always thought she was selfish for her drinking and she could control it, but she couldn’t and now after everything I’ve been through I understand her more. When I was 6 years old my Grandaddy (her husband) died and when I was 8 years old my Daddy died (her youngest son.) so she was going through a lot of grief and even though she tried to hide it from us we found out. I love her and of course just like everything else I wish I could explain to her that I understand now and I’m sorry for being such a close minded brat.

Grateful Day 23, 24 and 25 a beautiful view of nature.

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Yep. I am combining these as much as possible.

We went to Chattanooga recently (I promise that there will be a post about it soon!!) and while we were there I took way too many pictures as always, but I can’t get enough of this view. It is beautiful. We were at Ruby Falls on top of the tower. You get a good view of the mountains, Tennessee River and downtown Chattanooga. It is so peaceful like ocean waves it can clear your head and think better places like this even if I am terrified of heights.