Category: Gratitude

Hey best friend!

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Hey best friend! Monkey is 14! I’m so glad we didn’t miss it. It’s ok you spent Saturday morning crying going through baby pictures. It wasn’t only Monkey growing up we saw ourselves grow up and become the best version of ourselves to be her mama. We had so much fun this weekend celebrating with her.

Look at us wearing a sleeveless shirt (it’s too big now!) to the gym showing off that new tattoo.

We wore shorts more than once at the gym and started to feel confident wearing them. It’s the end of the month best friend and we are celebrating non scale victories. We bought real shorts for the first time in at least 12 years and they were a size we haven’t seen in awhile. We had Wayne with us to help encourage us that they looked amazing. (He’s so incredible. We need to be super thankful for him.) We wore a dress for the first time in forever to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We go on vacation soon and those two pieces we ordered will be here this week and we are going to rock them on the beach. I love you and I’m so damn proud of you. You are so beautiful and strong. It isn’t always about the mirror or the scale it’s how much we’ve learned to love ourselves and we’ve come so far. That’s something we had to do on our own. We are getting better about turning every negative thought of ourselves into a positive one. We are just getting started I can’t wait to see what we accomplish but remember baby steps. ♥️

Growing Pains

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So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.

This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.

Hey Best Friend!

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Hey best friend! I know you didn’t feel like working out today but you look amazing. Remember we are only 30 lbs away from 100 lbs lost but that isn’t always the most important part. We’ve gone 9 months without an episode, our sleep pattern is so much better, our moods are more stable and consistent. September makes 4 whole years since our last OD attempt. I’m so glad God saved us (He is so good to us.) because we would’ve missed monkey growing up and all the amazing things she accomplished. We’ve done a great job turning her into an amazing young woman. We get to see her turn 14 in a couple of weeks. (Didn’t we just have her?) We would never had a chance to improve our relationship with Wayne and watch him exceed every goal he sets for himself. We are his biggest fan. We would’ve never had an opportunity to make career changes and create memories with these new amazing people in your life. We can’t forget the blog to document and teach people more about mental health. We also had an event and raised so much money for the AFSP walk. (That was a big day.) but we still have so much to do so remember when we start to feel bad open that photo album on your phone and remember why we keep fighting I know some days are harder than others but I’m so damn proud of you. I love you! (It’s totally okay that we cried while writing this in the middle of the gym.)

6 month checkup

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It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.

This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.

I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)

I fucked up bad this time

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As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.

This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.

It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.

I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.

Distress Tolerance: Self Soothe – DBT UP: DBT United Peers

Godspeed Jolene

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As I sit here writing this my car is currently on jacks the hood, trunk, and drivers side door wide open my gas tank on the shop floor if only it were my fuel pump but it isn’t and as I watch them my heart is breaking.

It isn’t just a car to me. I can tell you where every ding, scratch, and the stain is from, my salt life sticker I picked out when we were in Pensacola after a trip to Orange Beach Alabama even though we don’t live anywhere near a beach. My initials crooked on the back glass, my beads are from the AFSP walk along with a discolored brown and pink polka dot ribbon I bought for my daughter but that it looked better on my mirror. I remember driving my husband’s old beat up green S-10 with no insulation and holes in the floor board. The seat was nothing more than pieces of wood and I had to sit all the way forward just to drive it. The gas hand didn’t work so you had to guess when it needed gas and a “security” switch (it had to be hard wired because of a problem with the ignition switch.) but it got me to work and home amazingly with minimal problems. I’ll never forget the day I went to the car dealership and drove my car for the first time. I fell in love and I had to have it.

I remember going to Jacksonville Florida just a week after we bought it. I had Sirius radio for free and drove all night drinking red bull and berry smoothies from McDonald’s we fell asleep in the beach and got so sunburned. This car drove all the way to Naples, Florida and back which is a 9 hour drive. We took it on all the family vacations but it was there for me. It was there for me when I needed to scream at the steering wheel when I had a bad day, it took me to the drs appointment and later to and from the psych hospital. I drove it when I was high, manic and severely depressed. It took me to my spot on the lake where I sat on the same concrete making my suicide videos. It survived all the times I drove high especially the few times I ran off the road, all the times I almost rear ended someone trying to find the perfect song on my phone. It survived every move, angry fight when I sped off or took my computer hid in my car crying.

Godspeed Jolene you were an emotional attachment I wasn’t ready to let you go yet especially with the new job but know that you will always have a place in my heart. I have emotional attachment issues so this one hit me hard.

Conversations from the treadmill

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Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)

I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.

Do you have these conversations with yourself?

Saying Goodbye after 10 years

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Again I don’t believe in click bait so this isn’t about my husband or one particular person it’s about my job I recently left.

I was there for 10 YEARS! I loved it even on the bad days. I said I would never leave unless one of their ads didn’t give me goosebumps and it still does. I left with a pay cut but better hours and a better quality of life for me. I needed set hours, days off and to actually have holidays off. I realized when I left it would be a bit of a cultural shock but I underestimated how much of shock it was. It caused a mood swing that I was terrified of because they don’t know at my new job about my quirks (illness) they aren’t as open as my old job. My husband knew what was going on but for the first time in years I had to push it down because there is no one here for me to talk to. I’m not used to that either. At my old job I’d worked with most of them for years. (There wasn’t a high turn over right.) My supervisor and director were the same the entire time I was there. We were this highly screwed up dysfunctional family but the second someone needed something everyone would drop what they were doing for you. I could always talk to anyone about my moods including my director and supervisor and got full support. when I was diagnosed I went through a hard time, when I was too depressed to come to work, too manic to stay, the medication adjustments, the mood swings, the random episodes of panic attacks and break downs. All the overdoses. My bosses are more understanding than I could ever ask for and even though sometimes I don’t always act like I appreciate everything you do and how understanding you always are. I grew up in the 10 years I was there. Thank you for 10 wonderful years. You taught me how to be an adult, professional and no matter what how to give outstanding customer service. I’m prepared for everything because of you. I’ve tried to not run back even though I really want to there was a reason this worked out the way it did. I miss it everyday and I hope over time the pain lessens a little. I think of them every time something funny or crazy happens only to realize none of you here now.

I’m sure our paths will cross again and always “It’s my pleasure.” 😘

How to be friends with someone who is bipolar.

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I started a new job at a new company and I didn’t tell them I am bipolar or have any mental health issues. It is a hard conversation to have and the other job I had for the last 10 years went through all the ups and downs with me. I was diagnosed with them and went through addiction, recovery, relapse recovery again to repetitive overdoses. So they were understanding well as understanding as they could be about everything. I think that is one of the hardest reasons for me to leave. I was worried that no one else would understand what I am going through. I made one friend here (well she was the only one who was ever nice to me) but she keeps confusing bipolar disorder with DID (formally known as multiple personality disorder). We are not the same DID is more severe than bipolar disorder. She also thinks I have borderline personality disorder which again is not the same thing.
I really want a friend I can talk to but as I’ve been told I am extremely selfish and my illness gets constantly thrown back in my face like I can help it. It’s hard doing this alone. I have my husband but he has to “take care of me” which is another post. I just want someone to treat me like I’m a person. I am still a person. My illness doesn’t define me it is just something I live with everyday. Maybe I am trying to force a friendship that isn’t meant to be. I’ve also made friends with other people who only want to be my friend when no one is around. I think they are embarrassed or ashamed to admit we are friends. We can’t take pictures together. I am not allowed to tag them on social media. We don’t hang out in public. If I did something I didn’t mean to no one tells me they just start ignoring me. I don’t understand why people are so scared of me. I know I can be intense but I do my best to hide it everyday even though sometimes it is exhausting. I know it sounds like I am whining because well I am whining. It’s my blog dammit. I don’t really have anyone else to talk to but the people who are reading this. So if you want to be my friend let me know. I am up for someone who doesn’t blame everything on the fact I’m bipolar and throw it back in my face like bipolar is an excuse for “attention”. (That statement made me want to throw the keyboard.) Here are some important things you need to know if you are friends with someone who has bipolar disorder.
– We will hyper fixate on you because we love you and want to know everything about you. We know when we get bad and start to feel like we are being selfish we will remember anything we can to try to take the attention off of us. We want you to know that you are the most important thing to us and we can still think of someone other than ourselves.
– Please don’t ever think we can’t understand something you are going through. It doesn’t matter what it is we are have so much empathy for other people because we understand what it is like to struggle. Please use us as a shoulder to lean on. We do like that you need us as much as we need you.
– Don’t beat around the bush just be honest. We get tiptoed around so much from everyone because they are worried about how we will respond we never know how someone actually feels. We can handle more than people realize. We are strong like that.
– We are so proud of you and everything you do. We see your strengths and want to be like you.
– We hide our illness from so many people we are easily exhausted. Trusting you to see the other side is a big deal. For someone to see us without the mask on.
– When people tell you to do what you need to do we automatically assume you don’t care anymore and we feel all alone again.
– We easily feel unloved, undeserving of your love or that we did something for you to not care about us anymore.
– We hurt our feelings a lot more than anyone else does.
– We always wonder when it will be enough. When will you walk out of our lives like everyone else.
– We have such a strong internal struggle with our self destruction no one knows about.
– Affection makes us happy, uncomfortable, confused and ashamed.
– When you worry we worry more. Have we done something for you to worry about that we didn’t realize.
– We skip time and can’t always remember conversations. We aren’t being a smart ass we really don’t know.
– When we are acting out of sorts (an episode) please don’t lie to us about what we said and did. We are just as confused as you about everything.
– We really have no idea what the hell is going on most of the time.
– We love you more than you could ever realize and are always scared of losing you.

Love us for who we are. We can be gentle giants. We know we receive more than we give but we will find every way we can to repay you.

Maybe one day I will have a real friend to see me for who I am but until then all I have are you guys.

I needed a break and that’s okay.

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I needed a break from everything and that’s okay. I’ve struggled a lot lately from so many different things and that’s made it hard for me to focus. I am trying to talk about my past and I forget how much it triggers me sometimes. I couldn’t blog until I felt ready and now I do. I am coming back with a bunch of new stuff for you guys. Thank you for your support while I was MIA.