I had to work today and it was a late shift that I am not used to doing so it kind of messed up my day. I am so tired and my schedule is a bit out of whack which is not good for me or my sleep cycle. It is amazing how a few hours of sleep can cause so much damage. I am so ready for Monday I need a month off and hours of sleep that I am missing. I accomplished nothing on my days off.
These moods are really all over the place. I messaged the GW on hopes for a little update to make my day better. I have practiced my handwriting some today which also made me feel a little better. It is amazing how I can have so much energy and then have none at all. I want my hyperfocus to work dammit but you cant turn it on and off. I think a lot of me is broken right now.
My daughter and I got in a huge fight tonight. She texted me that she needs to talk to me about how I treat her with my moods and when I ask to check her phone. This all happened after I took my medicine after I got home late from work. It doesn’t go well. I lost my shit. When my mom dropped her off I completely white trashed it and started yelling and cussing in the driveway. Thanks for making me feel like a worse parent than I already am. I know that isn’t want you meant but you broke my heart especially since I’ve worked so hard lately to make changes in my mood and how I ask you for things like your phone. Let’s rub the shitty parent in a little deeper.
I have watched way too many font videos and I’ve accomplished nothing else but some new handwriting techniques. I am constantly working on improving my handwriting. I have started on so many things but got none of them accomplished.
I know there are certain triggers happening and as much as I want to ignore it I cant. I didn’t realize editing this chapter would be so hard and cause so many problems. It is like reliving the same trauma over and over again. I sit and stare at the word document for 45 minutes trying to get pass the triggering message but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to delete it completely but I have to overcome my fear of touching it and making any adjustments. Hell I wrote it you think it would be easy to just cut it out and edit it but it is almost like torture.
My daughter came home from school and I took a break from my difficult book writing to hang out with my daughter. We had an amazing conversation about girls, friends, drama and school. She is at that age sadly when bullshit happens and I want her to know how to deal with it. She told me that two of her friends were arguing and I said, “STAY OUT OF IT” Nothing good ever comes from putting yourself in the middle of an argument you have no idea why it started. I explained things from a different perspective and then dealing with my friends and what I learned growing up. I had such an amazing conversation with her. These are the moments when I feel like a really good mom.
Today was one of those days when you have a million things to do but you get so overwhelmed you get none of them accomplished. I am off work today and tomorrow and I was supposed to ride with Wayne to get the truck for his work but it got pushed back. I should be happy because it gives me more time to catch up on everything but it won’t happen.
I just don’t have it in me lately. I know my moods are an issue but that isn’t making it any easier. I am so behind and I’ve lost almost all motivation to do anything. I am stuck on my book. There is a section in the second chapter that involves something that happened to me and at the time no one else knew what it was so it was my only way to talk about it but since the people I love and need to know are informed I want to take a chunk of it out. I don’t want to be as open as I originally was about it which is weird considering I have a blog now and I am open about almost everything else. I just don’t want to really talk about it because I am not ready for the questions that come with it. I have talked to the amazing GW that is helping me edit and he is so awesome he said take it out and I will help you reword all of it.
I am going to try and focus to hopefully get something accomplished.
HAPPY EASTER!!! Today is a wonderful day. I get to spend time with my family it is a day off of work and church. I haven’t made it to church in awhile with my hectic work schedule I don’t get there as often as I should. I went to my moms for awhile and spent time with my mom, sister and niece. We had a really good time. My daughter loved everything we got her for Easter. (She outgrew the Easter Bunny.) It was just good family time.
Mental Health: My dreams are crazy but it is like the les and and less I remember when I try to write it down. I don’t know what is going on anymore. This is pit of anxiety hasn’t left yet. Sometimes in moments like this I want Xanax or any benzo for that matter but it is a bad cycle and one I don’t want to start on. I’ve gone down this rabbit hole with these meds and it never ends well. We’ve avoided the self destructive pattern for almost two years and I would like to keep it that way. I just got where Wayne trusts me again and I don’t want to do anything to break that trust. I am so proud of myself for writing this out instead of going right for the pills.
I would change the font to green if I could figure out how to in honor of 4/20. I support the use of marijuana and thinks it needs to be legalized in every state.
Anyway, work went by so slow and I know it’s because I am so excited about the big surprise. Our wedding anniversary is actually in May but so is our daughters birthday that means we are celebrating a month early. May is dedicated to our daughter. When I texted Wayne and told him how much longer I had he texted me back and said, “Just a few more hours and you are all mine.” My heart melted. I haven’t felt great lately the issues of rapid cycling are getting worse and it is becoming more difficult to deal with.
We went to Athens and he took me to Best Buy for AN APPLE WATCH. I know it doesn’t sound really exciting but if you are a nerd like me and an Apple lover it is perfect. I’ve wanted one for awhile so it makes me happy. This is a fairly expensive mood increaser but still a good one. I used it to text him when we were in the mall. I could’ve just used my phone because responding on my watch is a bit more difficult but I did it because I could.
We finished Easter shopping and went to eat at Catch22 which is a delicious gastro pub. I went to Target and spent WAY TOO much money again. It was a great night out with Wayne and a much needed night out with him. We weren’t in a rush grocery shopping and hoping we could get back home soon enough for me to take my meds. We stayed out late and I felt not so constrained by my illness or my meds. I had a small taste of freedom which sounds weird but if you are scheduled the way I have to be going off schedule for just a little while is amazing.
I am still neglecting things but right now in this moment everything seems perfect.
Today I had to tell myself to get the fuck up. I made myself get up take a shower open the windows and clean something. I’ve spent most of my days off in bed exhausted. I can’t get myself motivated to do anything. I’m not hungry and I’m forcing myself to eat something but I can’t keep laying here it isn’t helping anything.
I can do this. I am able.
When I bought my journal I didn’t realize it wasn’t a year journal. It was only for a little over 4 months and that was okay it was good to start getting in the habit of writing every day and now I do. I find myself with 3 or 4 notebooks, bags of pens and headphones nearby all the time. It really helps with everything going on with me. I’ve been deep in thought lately trying to figure out these moods and this book. I can get lost in the world of book so easily and sometimes I fall down the rabbit hole and forget reality. Today Wayne and I went to Madison today. I had so much fun with him. I always do we ate at Chick-Fil-A which is a rare treat for me. It was a good day and I hope this journal will be worth money someday. I did my first official signature on the last page. I think I might start mediating. 🖤🖤🖤
Today I am organizing my shit. I’m hoping that this helps my moods and my unorganized thoughts. I need to get things in order completely in my life to reduce chaos. The only problem with reducing chaos is reducing creativity because the two go hand in hand. I just want to curl up in a little ball. I bought a planner from Dollar General because I can’t afford one of the big fancy ones and I’m trying to make the best out of it. It isn’t dated which is awesome so I’m working on it a little bit at a time. I’m avoiding picking up my laptop and starting edits when I have 0 creativity. I want to make sure I get it right and forcing it just won’t work. I wish my brain would make up its fucking mind already. I’m also eating my weight in junk food because of stress.
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