Weekly Update 22

  • Depression sucks
  • Mood swings suck
  • I’m over this shit now
  • I am working on my book again
  • I have two collaborations I will post about soon
  • I am trying to feel better
  • Time change is coming soon that means seasonal issues will lessen
  • I completed an entire to do list in 2 days
  • I am trying
  • It won’t win
  • Keep fighting loves
  • We will see the end to this fucking nightmare
  • I love you
  • I am proud of you

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We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to the life that is waiting for us- Joseph Campbell

My mood today sucks and what sucks even worse is I’ve wasted a day that I could’ve worked on my blog or my book. Today I am trying to play catch up with everything. I need to print out the next chapter to start working on. I keep looking around at this moment when I am working in the office with cold feet beating the keys of the this pretend keyboard attached to an IPad eating Cadbury mini eggs and miss it. Will I miss this simple time when my book is published and my blog has high stats everyday. I When the pressure for me to perform becomes real and my illness has to stay away so I can be productive. Will I have deadlines to meet and will I be able to keep up with everything. I am trying my best to overlook everything that is wrong with me right now my depression and think that there will be a time when I can look back on this moment I fought for and be thankful of how it turned out. I am doing this without looking to pills to solve my problems and that in itself is a victory.

March Goals

We are repeating February goals since I didn’t complete a quarter of them. Let’s try this again.

Blog:

125 subscribers

2000 views

800 visitors

5 Bipolar Chronicles

3 post a week

10 views a day

200 likes

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends

Instagram:

750 followers

615 post

90+ visits per week

Blog post

Overview of February goals

Blog:

125 subscribers- close 115

2000 views- 1198

1500 visitors- 824

5 Bipolar Chronicles- posted 2

3 post a week- yep

10 views a day- not consistent

200 likes- 127

Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope but I was close.

Instagram:

750 followers- not even close 635

615 post- 593

90+ visits per week- kept it maintained

Blog post- a few of them

*pitiful sound*

We are going to reuse some of these for March since February didn’t go very well. My depression won last month but we won’t let it win this month!!!

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in, comparison to what lies inside you- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Look more optimism from me. Who would’ve thought that I can find so much positivity in what I am doing. I have to keep telling myself over and over again when I pick up my book to STOP editing the same sections. I’ve spent so much focus on that same section it is taking longer to accomplish the rest of it. Your writing is fine obviously people like it otherwise they wouldn’t subscribe to your blog or follow your social media but maybe they are because of how bad it is and I really do suck….nope I can’t believe that. I refuse to believe that this is the case I’ve had some opportunities to collaborate with other bloggers and a few influencers and I don’t think they would ask me if it was a joke. I want my brain to shut up and stop telling me I suck and I need to give up. I need to keep pushing forward. I can do this and I will do this because it has always been my dream and I waited too long to start it for me to give up. You will not win depression you sick son of a bitch. I will come out on top and you CAN and WILL not control me anymore. I am proud of you and I love you.

If you haven’t felt like quitting your dreams aren’t big enough

Optimistic titles right?!? Who knew that I was capable of finding positive things through the shit I am dealing with but here I am rocking it out but I have a secret. I finally printed out the first chapter of my book (The first book will be about 9 or 10 chapters but the way it is set up is different.) We’ve (mostly him) have completed 16 out of around 25 pages. I know I posted a little bit of the book but I don’t want to give away too many secrets unless it will help spark your interest. I have my handy dandy red pin and highlighters ready to slash through pages and email updates as I find them. I am so optimistic about it I already printed out the second chapter to work on. This is why it takes so long for me to finish my book when I get depressed or anything I can become a recluse and live in the book for weeks or months and it helps so when its published there is no going back to make changes as my problems change. I guess I can just keep going even if not all of it is ever published. So will throw myself in my work and hopefully come out soon with a book ready to publish. I will keep you updated through the process.

Into each life some rain must fall

I have an obsession with rain some might call it an unhealthy obsession and we are supposed to get bad storms and rain which I for one am pretty excited about because rain helps the creativity. I did not get much accomplished because we had family time and then found a family movie on Amazon and I got distracted and never finished my blog post. I am keeping up in my journal my day to day happenings and my fight with depression. I did decide to email the guy helping me edit and we are back in business now I just need to focus. I have problems focusing lately but the thought of being published and a different world opening up makes everything worth it and family time is inspiration for my writing and more important than anything else.

Behind every great daughter is a truly amazing Dad

Yes I realize that we all know how amazing my husband is I talk about it all the time. I also talk about what an amazing father he is as well so it will be gushy about him for a moment.

I wanted to be home today. Wayne started painting my daughters room and as I figured they butted heads because they are just alike. She didn’t like the way he was painting it and then she made a mess and spilled paint all over the floor left went outside calmed down and then went back in and kept her daddy company while he painted and she watched. The bond between those two is incredible and my dad died when I was 8 so I never really had the chance to bond with him the way she bonded with Wayne. It makes me happy to watch them together. He is such an amazing parent and I wish I could’ve been home with them today while they painted but I got a full description of it from my daughter and Wayne when I got home. Her room looks amazing and is colorful and creative just like her.

Let your FAITH be BIGGER than your FEARS

Someone very close to me told me they were I don’t want to say leaving because they will still be around just not in my everyday life anymore and it made me think about everything I am working towards with this blog and social media but more importantly my book. I’ve waited 7 years with this book to even attempt to edit it for it to be published because I was scared. I will be 35 this year and I’ve accomplished none of my goals as a writer and it took me so long to even start this blog. I am not getting any younger, better looking absolutely but younger no. I don’t want to wake up 5 years from now and regret not trying. I was told that I was too talented to not do this but I have to get over my fears and finish it. The first book of the 3 or 4ish is finished it just needs editing (a lot of editing) and I need to stop fantasizing what will be like when it is published and just work on it already. My book is a natural cure for my depression so get on it already.

I’ve got a war in my mind

I swear my husband and daughter are the only ways I make it through some days. Today was difficult and I had a hard day at work and all I wanted to do is come home to see them. I am emotionally drained and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I want to let go so badly but I know as soon as I do everything I worked so hard for will go down the drain and I’ve worked so hard to get here it is bad now but it will get better. I keep telling myself that in hopes that I may actually believe it. I need to message the guy helping me with my book. My book makes me happy and is a place where I can recluse to until I get over this.