I love this picture. I took it when we were at Tybee Island in June. It was the first vacation we took this year and saying it was much needed is an understatement. My husband ended up in Savannah for training with the city and we stayed in a haunted Inn in downtown Savannah which was pretty cool. We’ve actually had an amazing year this year as I dig through pictures of all the places we’ve been and the things we’ve done.
We went to the Botanical Gardens in March and the iPhone photographer and Instagram filter I am this is what I came up with. I like this picture because it is odd like me. I forget a lot about this picture but it was an amazing day. We took a long walk, a ton of pictures and a really cool car. I have small memories like this to remind me of the fun we had.
Here is a picture of me working on my book. I am always working on my book. I have a ton of pictures like this and absolutely no book to show for it…go figure. All I know is this book will be a masterpiece when I’m finished. Hopefully the next time I talk about the book it will actually be finished.
I was terrified when we went to Ruby Falls small caves and me don’t go well. I am extremely happy to see all the beautiful designs that were made by God and Mother Nature. It is amazing how something can be so ugly yet so beautiful.
I love this picture mostly because it is genuine and it is the only genuine smile I ever had in years. This picture coincidentally happened in 2015 when everything in my life went to shit. (see previous posts) This was right after the overdose before my baptism, exorcism and medical induced manic, schizophrenic, paranoid episodes. This was before I hit a new level of rock bottom. I was happy right there. I thought I was making everything better but rock bottom came after. 
I am not a fan of winter… I mean nothing to do with winter I don’t like being cold and I can’t stand snow and ice. I am from the south so even a threat of snow everything shuts down so winter is not fun. I do like some of things that winter brings like hot chocolate, the holidays, everything with peppermint. I like audio books because I am always going somewhere I don’t have time to sit and read (I also comprehend better this way.) So hot chocolate, fuzzy socks, oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants and a good audio book is a perfect way to spend a day off while I browse the internet and procrastinate updating these damn challenges on my blog.
I don’t like to read. I feel like I never have time and if I’m not interested about 10 pages in I stop reading it. These are odd words coming from someone who dreams of being an author. There is a large number of books I’ve read and of course the classics we were made to read in school. I will say that most of them required a lot of grit your teeth and make it through enough to sort of pass the test. If you have enough for context clues you can figure it out. This theory actually worked 95.2134 percent of the time. The one time it didn’t work and would never work is Greek Mythology. The only reason I passed any of those test is because I studied 15 minutes before the test and memorized it. (I use to have a kick ass memory.)
Now for this book. I am currently not in the mandatory therapy I am supposed to be in nor do I like self help books but this book made me feel better about every bad decision and all the issues I’ve gone through. Girl, Wash Your Face is not exactly a self help book but more like yeah I did that and the reason made sense but it is possible for me to change those habits. She doesn’t try to tell you how everything you’ve done in your life up to this point is okay because we can change. Our life isn’t over it can reset when we need it to and we can make the decision to change the path we are on. It is because of this that I started this blog and a little over 2 months later my success is incredible and it at or seem like much but to me it is a BUG DEAL!!
This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.
Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.
5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!! 
So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.
This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.
For one year:
I was sober.
I stopped drinking soft drinks
I stopped self medicating
I found a healthier outlet for my problems
I wasn’t suicidal
I learned how not to be selfish
I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.
I finally let go and let God.
I learned how to love myself. 🖤
I learned I am worth it.
I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.
Cami wants to be with me.
She doesn’t worry as much
I let go of toxic people.
I learned boundaries.
I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.
I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.
I raised $667 😮😃
I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)
I have a fairly large Instagram following.
People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.
I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.
My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.
🖤Forever a fighter🖤
They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it. 
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 