🖤Day 24🖤 Difficult Time- The horrible awful terrible thing that happened…a vague discussion

I dreaded this day. I didn’t have to talk about this yet, but parts of me want to …

So my difficult time has nothing to do with my illness and for a lot of reasons this will be vague so what I am implying is what happened.

I was 19 years old living in Athens for the first time with my soon to be husband when it happened. The terrible horrible awful thing the reason I can relate to the #metoo movement. Just thinking about it now makes me shake my husband didn’t find out about it until 2015 and it happened in 2003/2004. The details of what happened are forever burned in my memory and to this day I can tell you up to the second what happened and every bit of information after and I can tell you this every time it happened because it happened more than once or twice it happened multiple times and I never told anybody. We can attribute this to a lot of the addiction issues I dealt with because everything started around this time. I went and saw a counselor in the middle of this and she told me she had to report it and I lied so she wouldn’t. I numbed myself with it for about 5 1/2 6 months before it stopped and to this day I am paranoid going into public bathrooms and people walking behind me. I will stop if I can and let people pass me.

It is amazing how much they can fuck with your head. You see it on the news and think if it were you until it is you and then it doesn’t click. You do everything out of fear and you believe they have all this control over you because in actuality they do until something changes or maybe it was just me. He used my issues to control me and they Would think I am lying if I told anyone.

When I finally got the courage to make it stop I had a box cutter up to his neck and told him if he every put his fucking hand on me again I will would slit his throat from ear to ear. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it or just completely choked and fell apart, I would assume the second one but I doubt it.

This is the extremely vague description and I realize it leaves you a little confused but please know that when the time comes I am able to be more open about it I will. I know this guy is a complete and total asshole and I would give anything to ruin his fucking life but because of special circumstances I can’t right now. I believe in karma and that son of a bitch will pay one day for what he did.

Anxiety Coloring

Props to the people who can actually keep their hands steady enough to color. I call bullshit on most of those anxiety coloring books. My anxiety looks like broken melted crayons soaked in sweat anger and tears. I don’t have a first thought of my anxiety bad so I’m just going to color.I just don’t think it is relaxing or feasible in a situation where your anxiety is peaking. I start to spazz out rather quickly so maybe it is just me with that problem. I tried one time to work on a coloring book and all I wanted to do was rip the pages out. This is kind of like those fidget spinners even though they were made with the best of intentions people have kind of gone overboard with them. They are for people who want to say “anxiety” or “ADD/ADHD” but they just wanted to be part of a fad.

#mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis #foreverafighter #breathe

🖤 Day 18🖤 What am I afraid of…..

Things that scare me:

Psych hospital- I think once you’ve been to psych the idea of going back to psych scares you. It makes you overly cautious of what you say and do wondering how close you are to getting booty juiced again. When you are in hospital the world is working without you and when you come back out you forget where you fit in.

Relapsing- Everyone who struggles with any sort of addiction will tell you relapse is terrifying. You constantly think about your triggers and watch everything around you. It also sucks because you have to watch your actions among other people. People who may drag you down to where they are. It’s a never ending cycle.

Losing my husband and daughter- will I fuck up with the stuff above and that be his breaking point with me.

Suicide- What if it gets bad again and I’ve used up all of my 9 lives and this time it works.

My daughter being like me- I don’t want her to ever be like me, go through what I’ve been through. We know more now then we knew back then so we are better off but I know how much is heredity and it terrifies me.

A crushed lemonade can to explain my day and an apology to my daughter for a disease I can’t always control.

Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.

When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.

After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.

So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.

🖤 Day 16 🖤 My dream job

If you haven’t kept up with anything to this point, my dream job is to be a writer. I wrote a story when I was 4 years old about why people shouldn’t do drugs. (I probably need to go back and read that again.) I wrote a lot of poetry over the years and long winded stories about some dramatic incident I made up in my head or something I was going through I needed to work on. There was always something to keep my interest. When I was 13 my mom bought a Brothers computer (Yeah how many people remember those.) It had no internet because there was none a few applications everything was in black and white, Tetris and a word processor. I had a stack of floppy disk with different color labels and secret word combinations so my mom wouldn’t know what was on them. I also password protected all of them and could still not tell you what the password was. This is where my dream of writing started. I would write a ton of different stories that I never finished, but I had a desk and computer in my room so officially I was a writer. I always wanted one of those lamps with the green glass on top of it like they had in movies for true professionals. I also had a three ring binder full of poems and stories along with an overflowing amount of notebooks.

When I was 13 or 14 I went to summer camp and brought my old worn out maroon five star binder full of cringeworthy teenage issue poems and one night two girls in my bunk got up and started reading them out loud as a joke. I cried. I took my work so seriously and that ripped my heart out. After that I became completely hidden in my work. I never let people read what I was writing for fear of that happening again. (I tell my daughter that girls are horrible people and it doesn’t get much better as they get older.)

So until now I’ve never really shared my writing. I am happy that I found a following and either you are enjoying it or finding amusement in my bad grammar and my odd content. When I was younger I always dreamed of being in Talk Shows going over the complex issues detailed in my book and I will but you will be the first with a signed copy.

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🖤Day 13🖤 Favorite quotes

Today is favorite quotes. I think it said quote, but I don’t have just one so it will be quotes🖤

🖤 “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Aldous Huxley. -We all need silence to calm down or to focus, but when the silence is overwhelming music will soothe your soul. Over the years especially with my illness music ends up being my only refuge.

🖤 “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley. This is actually on my blog page. I want a challenge in my life I don’t want to live comfortably. I want to step outside my boundaries and do something that will either cause me to fly or fall and I’m writing it right now. I am too creative and smart to lead a normal life. I was meant to do something extraordinary.

🖤“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

🖤 “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”~ T.E. Lawrence

🖤“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”-Maria Robinson

🖤 “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

🖤 “It’s the village girl who will change the world”. – Kelly Cutrone Don’t worry I’m finally on my way. I am coming out the gate running strong.

🖤“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Everybody’s at war with different things…I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.” ― Tupac Shakur I feel this everyday. I am feel like I am always struggling with my heart and conscience everyday.

🖤 “You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Trust your own judgement, live with it and love it.” – Nas

🖤Day 11 🖤 Proudest moment

There are a lot of these though I think that everyone should list the things they are proud of especially if they are going on spiral it helps to not you aren’t a complete fuck up.

1.) Hands down my daughter. She is my proudest moment having her was the best day of my life and I don’t know if I would still be here without her.

2.) My book- It’s been a 6 year process and we are finally getting somewhere with it and it may get published soon

3.) Sobriety- It is an easier thought then action. In NA/AA they tell you your first step is to admit you have a problem and that is supposed to be the hardest but it is the second and third step is the worst. I’ve making my way through slowly. I’m so proud of myself for making this decision.

4.) Surviving- Suicide survival in itself is a gift and a burden. Our gift is still being here but it’s a burden still being here. It is so confusing and heartbreaking. The best thing I could ever do is survive.

5.) This blog- I’ve said for years I was going to do this but I never figured people would actually read anything I had to say but this is taking off.

-Raw emotions with my moods.

!!!!Trigger warning!!!

For the first time since everything happened my moods have changed. They are rapidly declining and all I can think of is how much I want Xanax. It drives me crazy when people tell you that they want to know things are getting bad then think you are whining. Fuck people either you want me to tell you or you don’t but if you say I am whining then I am going to stop telling you. I just think people in general suck 99.256532% of the time.

The problem with my illness is sometimes I don’t know if up is down or down is up and that is where I am at right now. I haven’t really ate much lately it is a hassle. I haven’t brushed my teeth so everything I drink hurts. (I have extremely sensitive teeth.) so I know I am dehydrated. I am tired and not sleeping doesn’t help anything. I keep having horrible dreams that cause anxiety attacks but I can’t have benzos and nothing else works (trust me when I tell you this) not even “breathing” therapy or any other bullshit a therapist works and again I want Xanax. I want that high so bad and I can’t have it and dealing with my shit when it starts to get real is hard and I know I should have a therapist but it isn’t my thing. (a different story) I am not suicidal as of now and I’m hoping I can get it together before we crawl down that rabbit hole again. I am praying that taking my meds like I am supposed to will stop that problem but somehow I doubt it. I don’t like being able to feel these things it is too overwhelming and I just want them to go away. I am off my schedule (my life requires structure and routine to avoid chaos.) which definitely isn’t helping anything. I can put all the pieces together of what is happening around me and I see things…..I just can’t fix it. I don’t know how or if I would make anything better or if it would just get worse. I know once I start going into details with friends and family the worrying starts. I am worried for me too, if I really want Xanax or pain killers I can put my hands on them with no problem but it is not doing it that is so hard. I’ve never actually dealt with everything in 5 years so I probably need a therapist to work through this. I started posting some of my photography on Instagram and it seems to be a hit. I’m trying whatever outlet I have that is healthy right now.

I tried to put on makeup on, it used to help pep me up but it didn’t work. I put on too much setting powder my foundation wouldn’t blend properly neither would my eyeshadow. I felt worse after putting it on. I looked like a puffy orange clown. My emotions are so raw they hurt and I can’t numb it and it is so raw that it is almost unbearable. We forget sometimes that through the memes, quotes that we desensitize our illness. We need to be more open about how much it hurts to be like this. I will update my progress through this as sober as possible.

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🖤DAY 2🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER/MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is thought to be a complex psychological condition that is likely caused by many factors, including severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse).

What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from a combination of factors that may include trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism — the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that’s too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?

You may wonder if dissociative identity disorder is real. After all, understanding the development of multiple personalities is difficult, even for highly trained experts. The diagnosis itself remains controversial among mental health professionals, with some experts believing that it is really an “offshoot” phenomenon of another psychiatric problem, such as borderline personality disorder, or the product of profound difficulties in coping abilities or stresses related to how people form trusting emotional relationships with others.

Other types of dissociative disorders defined in the DSM-5, the main psychiatry manual used to classify mental illnesses, include dissociative amnesia (with “dissociative fugue” now being regarded as a subtype of dissociative amnesia rather than its own diagnosis), and depersonalization/derealization disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person’s behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there’s also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person’s split personality.

The “alters” or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and controls the individuals’ behavior and thoughts, it’s called “switching.” Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person’s different “alters” or identities may be very responsive to the therapist’s requests.

Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience a number of other psychiatric problems, including symptoms:

• Depression

• Mood swings

• Suicidal tendencies

• Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking)

• Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or “triggers”)

• Alcohol and drug abuse

• Compulsions and rituals

• Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations)

• Eating disorders

Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and “out of body experiences.” Some people with dissociative disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). As an example, someone with dissociative identity disorder may find themselves doing things they wouldn’t normally do, such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from their employer or friend, yet they feel they are being compelled to do it. Some describe this feeling as being a passenger in their body rather than the driver. In other words, they truly believe they have no choice.

What’s the Difference Between Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schizophrenia?

Schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are often confused, but they are very different.

Schizophrenia is a severe mental illness involving chronic (or recurrent) psychosis, characterized mainly by hearing or seeing things that aren’t real (hallucinations) and thinking or believing things with no basis in reality (delusions). Contrary to popular misconceptions, people with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities. Delusions are the most common psychotic symptom in schizophrenia; hallucinations, particularly hearing voices, are apparent in about half to three quarters of people with the illness.

Suicide is a risk with both schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, although patients with multiple personalities have a history of suicide attempts more often than other psychiatric patients.

How Does Dissociation Change the Way a Person Experiences Life?

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:

• Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one’s body and is often referred to as an “out-of-body” experience.

• Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.

• Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.

• Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person has trouble defining the things that interest them in life, or their political or religious or social viewpoints, or their sexual orientation, or their professional ambitions. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

It is now acknowledged that these dissociated states are not fully mature personalities, but rather they represent a disjointed sense of identity. With the amnesia typically associated with dissociative identity disorder, different identity states remember different aspects of autobiographical information. There is usually a “host” personality within the individual, who identifies with the person’s real name. Ironically, the host personality is usually unaware of the presence of other personalities.

What Roles Do the Different Personalities Play?

The distinct personalities may serve diverse roles in helping the individual cope with life’s dilemmas. For instance, there’s an average of two to four personalities present when the patient is initially diagnosed. Then there’s an average of 13 to 15 personalities that can become known over the course of treatment. While unusual, there have been instances of dissociative identity disorder with more than 100 personalities. Environmental triggers or life events cause a sudden shift from one alter or personality to another.

Who Gets Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While the causes of dissociative identity disorder are still vague, research indicates that it is likely a psychological response to interpersonal and environmental stresses, particularly during early childhood years when emotional neglect or abuse may interfere with personality development. As many as 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 9). Dissociation may also happen when there has been persistent neglect or emotional abuse, even when there has been no overt physical or sexual abuse. Findings show that in families where parents are frightening and unpredictable, the children may become dissociative.

How Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Diagnosed?

Making the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder takes time. It’s estimated that individuals with dissociative disorders have spent seven years in the mental health system prior to accurate diagnosis. This is common, because the list of symptoms that cause a person with a dissociative disorder to seek treatment is very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who have dissociative disorders also have coexisting diagnoses of borderline or other personality disorders, depression, and anxiety.

The DSM-5 provides the following criteria to diagnose dissociative identity disorder:

1 Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

2 Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events.

3 The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.

4 The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

5 The symptoms can not be due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

Are There Famous People With Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Famous people with dissociative identity disorder include retired NFL star Herschel Walker, who says he’s struggled with dissociative identity disorder for years but has only been treated for the past eight years.

Walker recently published a book about his struggles with dissociative identity disorder, along with his suicide attempts. Walker talks about a feeling of disconnect from childhood to the professional leagues. To cope, he developed a tough personality that didn’t feel loneliness, one that was fearless and wanted to act out the anger he always suppressed. These “alters” could withstand the abuse he felt; other alters came to help him rise to national fame. Today, Walker realizes that these alternate personalities are part of dissociative identity disorder, which he was diagnosed with in adulthood.

How Common Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Statistics show the rate of dissociative identity disorder is .01% to 1% of the general population. Considering dissociation more broadly, more than a third of people say they feel as if they’re watching themselves in a movie at times (that is, possibly experiencing the phenomenon of dissociation), and 7% percent of the population may have some form of an undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

What’s the Recommended Treatment Plan for Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While there’s no “cure” for dissociative identity disorder, long-term treatment can be helpful, if the patient stays committed. Effective treatment includes talk therapy or psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy. There are no established medication treatments for dissociative identity disorder, making psychologically-based approaches the mainstay of therapy. Treatment of co-occurring disorders, such as depression or substance use disorders, is fundamental to overall improvement.

Because the symptoms of dissociative disorders often occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, medicines to treat those co-occurring problems, if present, are sometimes used in addition to psychotherapy.

Source:

WebMD Medical Reference Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on May 11, 2018

My current medication regimen- popping pills like a pro

I have a long list of medications and if you’ve ever been diagnosed you know that finding the exact right combination of pills is sometimes similar as looking for a 4 leaf clover. Medication process if you are a lucky unicorn is painless, but it wasn’t that way for me. I made a list one time of all the medication I’ve been on not including the dosage changes. I found an amazing psychiatrist who talks to me about things going on in my life, mood changes, current feelings and between him and the nurse in the office they take great care of me. I think if your psychiatrist can tell when you are completely full of shit and lying for pills, to the times you aren’t being completely honest to avoid the hospital and he always can. My insurance won’t cover him which is tough sometimes but I don’t mind because he is worth it! He and I have an agreement I will try and be 100% honest and if he think psych is necessary we will discuss it in great detail before the decision is made. (In 2015 that wasn’t always the case.)

My medication at this very moment looks like this: Lamictal 400 mg – btw when they put you on Lamictal and tell you if you develop a rash to go straight to the ER because of what it can turn into is terrifying. Seroquel – 600 mg an antipsychotic but also helps me sleep, most of the time. Restoril- to help some with nightmares. I am so good at meds that I can tell you what most of them are and what they are used for. I can also tell you about any reactions from mixing the medication. I also know their government and brand names. I also have Nuvigil which I never take because it makes me feel weird sometimes I feel like a zombie and numb other times I feel nothing at all it just depends on what is going on. I take my medicine at 7:30 every night like clockwork. The alarm is set on my phone and I make sure I have it. I can’t skip or take less then prescribed. I know at some point my meds will have to be adjusted but I think I can handle it now. A word of advice NEVER STOP TAKING YOUR PILLS COLD TURKEY YOU IT CAN CAUSE A LOT OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!!!!

Funny story- CVS handles my prescriptions because I have Caremark and if I ever have to go inside none of them want to talk to me. Why are you asking me what the generic name is and why are you asking me if you can fill it a day early? I don’t know can you fill it a day early? I don’t work in the pharmacy also when they call my prescription in (the office is an hour away from CVS) and they make it a point to tell me who they spoke with and when I get there and they say, “No one called us. We need to call them and confirm.” “No she just talked to you.” “It wasn’t me” “Yes it was I heard you say your name.” This will continue for a few minutes until the pharmacist comes over and tells me I’m wrong and then realizes I am right. There was also this woman, she didn’t last very long, would tell everyone “Wow that is a lot of medicine.” Yeah you really shouldn’t say that to people. I think she lasted a month and they fired her.

So this is my medicine story, What is yours?

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