Just like magic I’ve reappeared

I’m sorry if I’ve been MIA for a few days. I’m trying to sleep better and not be such a bitch. My doctor gave me a new medicine to try, I am on day 4 and I’ve noticed a slight difference. The dreams are still not quite right not and it sucks when I can’t even nap without having them. I am working on updating my 31 day challenge. I am trying to hold to my commitment to finish it even though it is hard sometimes. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when it is over, but I think I am going to do what I am grateful for next month. It is amazing how when I started I could think of 1000 topics but about a month in I’m like oh shit! I need to make sure I have good content for my subscribers. If you are on Instagram check me out. The last few days it was easier than writing the blog. I’m trying to line them up together.

Right now my issues with my moods is a topic I am covering which I hope is helping other people. It is something I was nervous about discussing in the beginning because I know what it sounds like. So I am back and plan on catching up on everything. I will be on all day. I have a plan to be a little productive today and I have caffeine to help. So I have some good posts coming. Stay tuned…….

This is an extremely exaggerated statement. I would give it all up for my daughter and husband to never have to worry about me and my illness again.

🖤 Day 22🖤 10 favorite songs

This is a fun topic!! I love music so I may pick more than 10 because who only has 10 favorite songs? It definitely isn’t this girl!!!

🖤Hallelujah- If you’ve seen my tattoos you know I have part of the song tattooed on my arm in my handwriting. This song is my anxiety calm down song. I have almost every version of this song I can find on YouTube, Spotify, Facebook. Just where ever I can find it because I think every version is beautiful. Hallelujah holds a great power with me it has helped me put down pill bottles before. It helps with issues of disassociation….it is like medicine but better for you. I think we all have that one song that holds us together and this is my song.

🖤 Mariah Carey- I realize this isn’t a song but it is easier to just say her name then listing everyone of her songs. Mariah got me through my middle school years. I went through so many of her cd’s and tapes. I would listen to it every single day sometimes all day. It was definitely my favorite hiding place.

🖤 Boyz II Men- Do I need to say anything else? It’s fucking Boyz II Men and it can’t get any better than that. I bought II at least 10 times because I wore the CD out. It was perfect for any mood. It solved all of my teenage problems and I still have every single song on Spotify now. If you ever heard their version of “In my life” by The Beatles you would know that they do it better.

🖤 In my life and BlackBird- The Beatles. I don’t like ALL of their songs but these two are definitely my favorite. I used to sing BlackBird to my daughter….(one of the 5 memories I have.) when she was a baby. The Beatles definitely was a good baby soother.

🖤 Let Her Go- Passenger – I know she went from ionic music to this, but this song holds more sentimental value than anything else. This song first came on when I went to the hospital that ended up with the Ativan and started the mental health adventure. This song can go either way. It can help me but it can also be damaging depending on what kind of mood I am in.

🖤 Beautiful Birds- Passenger and Birdy- This is similar to Let Her Go it depends on the mood whether this is good or damaging. The first time I heard this song I was at the place and I spazzed out completely. I was disassociated from everything and they were scared for me to drive anywhere by myself luckily my husband was only a mile down the road so they called to let him know I was on my way to him and then let them know I made it okay. I listened to this song and fell asleep. It was in February so it was extremely cold and his truck didn’t have heat so I curled up in a ball and slept for at least 3 hours while he was working.

🖤 Waiting to Exhale soundtrack- This is just life. My entire middle school and half of my high school years can be summed up by the songs on this soundtrack. Mary J. Blige Not Gon’ Cry when a boy broke up with me I would go in my room put my headphones on and blast this song. This is also when I would start writing trying to let my anger out.

🖤 Whitney Houston- I don’t care what anyone has to say about her personal life which no one has the right to judge because you don’t know the shit she probably dealt with but she could sing. She was in the list of Mariah and Boyz II Men. The first time I heard this soundtrack I was in 6th grade because I remember my great aunt coming down and going to Helen with her, my mom and grandma listening to Count on Me on repeat. I imagined a friend and I singing this song at a talent show. I was just pretending that I knew how to sing.

🖤 Strawberry Wine-Deana Carter- 5th and 6th grade. We had a new girl at school who would end up being my best friend and our clique ran the school. I remember all the sleepovers we would have, hanging out in our friends attic (she had the biggest house out of all us.) We spent so many nights hanging out and talking in the attic. I think of all the fun we had it makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. We had a group that went to “counseling” for some bullshit reason that we made up so we could skip class and hang out together, then she moved. My other close friend skipped a grade so she was at a new school. We listened to this song on repeat and every time I hear it I think about hanging up in the attic together talking about boys, and the future, whatever television show was popular. Those are priceless memories.

🖤 What a wonderful World- Louis Armstrong- I was 13 when I asked my mom for a Louis Armstrong cd. I pronounced his entire name by the way because I thought it sounded cool. I wanted it on vinyl because everything sounds better on Vinyl. I had great taste in music when I was younger. This was during my I take myself too seriously as a writer phase. I used it to help me write because you know I was destined for greatness at an early age.

🖤 Over the Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo’ole- I am almost positive at spelled his name right. This is the best version of this song every made!!! I sang this to my daughter too. I play it every year on her birthday, I can associate memories with music. I can remember things from when I was 5 years old if I hear a song. It is what is saving my brain.

🖤 Rent soundtrack- Rent is incredible the first time I saw it I was 7 month pregnant with my daughter and in a wheelchair because of my back. I was in awe the entire time. I just remember thinking what amazing talent someone had to write this. My dream is to see it on Broadway one day. We saw it last year in the same place and it was better than the first time.

🖤 Weekly Update 5 🖤

🖤 I really need to do these on Sundays like I keep saying I would.

🖤 I can’t believe we are already at 5!!!!

🖤 My subscriber list has increased greatly on my blog

🖤 My followers on Instagram grew over night

🖤 My Facebook page is slowly gaining some momentum. It is mostly my post from Instagram

🖤 Still no sodas. I am holding strong on that but caffeine and I struggling. I’ve latched onto coffee which isn’t as horrible as RedBulls but still not good.

🖤 I haven’t worked out since the first update. I don’t walk like I should and I stopped my squats when I go to the bathroom. I also stopped planking and drinking water like I should. I don’t eat much still all of these sleep issues mixed with anxiety keeps me from being super hungry.

🖤 I have decided to dive deep into my book again even though that is almost like jumping down a rabbit hole, but the more I talk about it I want to produce something so it isn’t just me hyping something up.

🖤 My days off I swear I am going to update my blog but I decide to be lazy instead and don’t get as much accomplished. I could write shitty small post but to write something I am proud of and want to be out there takes time. My grammar may not be great but the content is worth it. I have read more about different types of punctuation to get better at exactly where to put them.

🖤 The way that this is growing is amazing. I still get just as excited from one subscriber and for each one that adds on. I screen shot everyone and send it to my husband so keep subscribing so I can blow his phone up!!!

🖤 Post about the new meds I am on to help with the dreams (it is kind of working.) coming soon

This is it for week 5 can’t wait to see what the next week will bring. 🖤