I know most people would take a picture of the sky, clouds, a plant or something so ironically beautiful and then there is me. My picture at noon is laundry. I think that every photo shouldn’t be beautiful it should be realistic. So here is a picture of my washing machine because at noon this is what I’m doing today besides working on my blog.
This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.
For one year:
I was sober.
I stopped drinking soft drinks
I stopped self medicating
I found a healthier outlet for my problems
I wasn’t suicidal
I learned how not to be selfish
I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.
I finally let go and let God.
I learned how to love myself. 🖤
I learned I am worth it.
I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.
Cami wants to be with me.
She doesn’t worry as much
I let go of toxic people.
I learned boundaries.
I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.
I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.
I raised $667 😮😃
I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)
I have a fairly large Instagram following.
People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.
I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.
My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.
🖤Forever a fighter🖤
They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it. 
Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.
Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.
First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.
Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??
~ I bite my lip when I get anxious
– I hear voices and sounds all the time
– I hallucinate almost every night
– I can swallow multiple pills at once
– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself
– I can’t take Ativan which is odd
– I am terrified of heights
– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack
– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety
– I have crippling anxiety
– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion
– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity
That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness
It’s been real 31 day challenge
🖤
I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.
It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people. You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.
Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children. We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.
She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.
It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.
The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.
Dear bitchy mom,
You messaged me and then blocked me before I could reply. I’m not responsible for what your child looks at or does on social media that is actually your job. I, however will not “tone it down” because there are children on Instagram. My child is on Instagram too her account is attached to mine so I can see EVERYTHING she does. You are one of those people who want to blame everyone in society for the bad things people do instead of saying you fucked up. It’s okay in reality we are all shitty parents and we will screw up one way or another, but do not blame other people. I’ve fucked my child up with some of the stuff I’ve done but I will tell you it’s my fault. You need to get off your fucking high horse and pay attention to your child instead of messaging people like me and asking me to “tone it down.” On that same note I don’t know if you think mental illness is a Disney movie with cupcakes rainbow and a happy ending because news flash it isn’t. It is like a bad 80’s horror movie with teenagers screwing in the woods and getting murdered by some weirdo (sorry to spoil the ending). Society feels the need to censor us because we make the world uncomfortable well we are uncomfortable dammit and if we have to here about your last dr visit to get the flu shot Barbara then you can suck it up and listen to us. So to answer your question, No I will not “tone it down” or “censor myself” stop bitching about everyone else and take care of your own….. oh and btw SUCK MY DICK! Thanks! Have a blessed day. 🖤 #mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis
Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.
When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.
After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.
So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.
Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 