Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression



I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

18 years with my hubby!!!


We’ve been through a lot in the last eighteen years, but no matter what you fought for me. You fought for our relationship when I didn’t know how. You fought for my life when I couldn’t. You gave up part of your life for me and every time I asked you why you always said it is because I love you and I could never understand how or why that was ever enough to deal with someone who kept making the same mistakes who didn’t want help who gave up on everything and thought their existence was a burden, but you held my hand, and I know there were so many times you held your breath every time the phone rang hoping it wouldn’t be that call. I never understood that love until we lost everything and I watch your world fall apart. I understood this love you had for me. I understood what it meant to fight for someone other than myself. I understood how to be selfless and that this love is greater than any darkness we will ever see. For the first time in 5 years I want you to know this time I will be okay. That tomorrow will come and I won’t salivate over pill bottles, look at myself in the mirror and say I’m not worth it because I am and you’ve always made sure I knew it even when I didn’t believe or understand it. I could never have done any of this without you. You are most incredible, stubborn, good looking (with a beard 😂) guy that God made. You are a deacon at our church and you take care of our city. Youve become the man God intended you to be. I love you and to many more years together! I never knew that I would find my soulmate at 16, but couldn’t picture my life without you.