This is overly optimistic even for me. I have no idea again as to what the fuck I am doing. I believe I am going to do great things in 2019 and I am fighting my anxiety as much as possible. I am trying to find the positives and today was just hard to do.
*Short update*
I am trying to get some of these finished so they are getting merged together. It is already 12/4/18 and these need to be finished.
Did you know you can buy fuzzy socks for cheap at Wal-Mart? You can never have enough. I love them especially when it’s cold and I am ignoring every other responsibility and watching Netflix. They also really work when I am stressed out they help me calm down. Calming down is very difficult most of the time so I will take anything I can to help make it better. My daughter is now obsessed with fuzzy socks too. She loves when we curl up on the couch with fuzzy socks, oversized sweatshirts, and watch a movie we’ve seen 1000 times. What makes you happy?
This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.
Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.
5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!! 
This was hard to do because I don’t like photos that were arranged I think good pictures should be random because random is amazing. The picture I really want use I can’t because of the place I go. So I dug through all of my pictures to find something that is mildly arranged. It took me awhile to find but it is coffee and donuts so yay!!!!
I know why would I be grateful about the word suicide but I am. I am grateful for the word suicide because it has taught me so much about myself, my struggles, my courage and how to love someone especially myself.
How does that work? Well in my case I had to try it a bunch of times and it not work for me to realize how much that word impacted so many people. They say we give a word power but do we really give it power? It is powerful in itself because it’s something that we lose power of ourselves to get to this point in our life. We can say the word but being there makes every word powerful. What do you think? 
– Diet is still no happening
– No sodas still
– I’m working on the Grateful and Photo challenge as fillers until I can post some of my normal posts. I don’t want to not post anything but they are interesting if you give them a read.
– I keep talking about this giveaway and I promise I’m posting something about it today!!!
– I have a list of topics to discuss and some of them come from my Instagram if you want to check it out.
– I am still trying to figure out how these 20 and younger are making money off of this stuff. I’m doing something wrong
– I’ve been working on the book. Who would’ve thought that I am working on the very thing that I want to be known for.
– I thought about doing some podcasts but I’m not sure at this point.
-I have a big post about the walk coming out today. It has some videos and pictures. Look for it to drop soon. 👇✍️
-PLEASE COMMENT!! I want to know what I’m doing right and what I need to improve on to make sure you are getting good content.
– See you next week!!!
🖤 I am doing it right now. This was on my bucket list to have a blog with followers with people who actually enjoy my writing.
🖤 Book- This book needs a fucking title soon so I will quit just calling it book, I know you are getting tired of almost every blog post talking about my book but I am shamelessly self advertising for a book that isn’t finished yet. It is getting there and I promise when it gets out there and is a best seller I will send all of my followers an autographed copy.
🖤 New York- I in a million years could never explain to you what my obsession of New York is but I want to go so bad. I’ve been up and down the east coast because I have family on New Hampshire and we would drive up there when I was a kid on our way to Canada to see more family, but we never went to New York. I want to ride down the Brooklyn Bridge and see the skyline in Manhattan. I have memorized part of the subway. One day when I am a famous writer I will own an apartment, flat or something with a view of Central Park. I want to go see Rent on Broadway sit in a small cafe and write. It just seems so beautiful.
🖤 Australia- This is new on my bucket list because my daughter wants to go to Australia and have a job as a marine biologist. I would love to go and see it I’ve read that it is beautiful but it is always extremely expensive and it is something I have to save up for.
🖤 Plane ride- I used to be terrified of planes but I need to get over that fear for my daughter so I want to take a plane ride preferably not over an ocean my first time just a small ride to somewhere that doesn’t take long and isn’t really expensive or scary.
🖤 Celebrities- I have a list of celebrities I would love to meet and when my book (see there it is again) becomes a movie would love to play different roles. 90’s rom coms are the best and how I’ve come up with a lot of different ideas to write.
🖤 Movie Producer – I would love to be a movie producer preferably my own movie, but I think it is extremely fascinating the way they edit and make movies. I would never star in a movie just help make one.
🖤 Foundation- This is new with my illness to start a foundation that helps people with low income or no income get help would be awesome. I want them to receive proper medical care kind of like a legal aid for people who need help with an illness and medication.
Now a letter from my 12 year old self
Tarsha,
If you are reading this then you made it and you are a famous writer living somewhere fancy. I assume that it is from your remake of “Tom and Huck” that they made into a movie. If not then it is the other one you are working on from Mrs. Smith class. You need to read “The Cay” again because it makes you feel better and you will remember most of 5th grade from that book. I hope you aren’t dating an asshole and still obsessed with those assholes in 6th grade also that you aren’t still listening to the same John Michael Montgomery songs. They are wore out and part of a fantasy that ain’t happening. I hope you have found a boyfriend that is better and actually LIKES YOU BACK!! This should include some floppy disk with other great story ideas that you never finished jut in case you need some extra ideas for your next book and you won that lawsuit against SNL. They should never make light of your book it is intense and meant to be a drama. I also hope you have a list of new goals to meet and this is the start to the amazing life you wanted. Your teachers told you that you were destined to do great things. Keep in touch with yourself and make big waves. You are too complex to do simple things.
Peace love and chicken grease,
Tarsha
This is a fun topic!! I love music so I may pick more than 10 because who only has 10 favorite songs? It definitely isn’t this girl!!!
🖤Hallelujah- If you’ve seen my tattoos you know I have part of the song tattooed on my arm in my handwriting. This song is my anxiety calm down song. I have almost every version of this song I can find on YouTube, Spotify, Facebook. Just where ever I can find it because I think every version is beautiful. Hallelujah holds a great power with me it has helped me put down pill bottles before. It helps with issues of disassociation….it is like medicine but better for you. I think we all have that one song that holds us together and this is my song.
🖤 Mariah Carey- I realize this isn’t a song but it is easier to just say her name then listing everyone of her songs. Mariah got me through my middle school years. I went through so many of her cd’s and tapes. I would listen to it every single day sometimes all day. It was definitely my favorite hiding place.
🖤 Boyz II Men- Do I need to say anything else? It’s fucking Boyz II Men and it can’t get any better than that. I bought II at least 10 times because I wore the CD out. It was perfect for any mood. It solved all of my teenage problems and I still have every single song on Spotify now. If you ever heard their version of “In my life” by The Beatles you would know that they do it better.
🖤 In my life and BlackBird- The Beatles. I don’t like ALL of their songs but these two are definitely my favorite. I used to sing BlackBird to my daughter….(one of the 5 memories I have.) when she was a baby. The Beatles definitely was a good baby soother.
🖤 Let Her Go- Passenger – I know she went from ionic music to this, but this song holds more sentimental value than anything else. This song first came on when I went to the hospital that ended up with the Ativan and started the mental health adventure. This song can go either way. It can help me but it can also be damaging depending on what kind of mood I am in.
🖤 Beautiful Birds- Passenger and Birdy- This is similar to Let Her Go it depends on the mood whether this is good or damaging. The first time I heard this song I was at the place and I spazzed out completely. I was disassociated from everything and they were scared for me to drive anywhere by myself luckily my husband was only a mile down the road so they called to let him know I was on my way to him and then let them know I made it okay. I listened to this song and fell asleep. It was in February so it was extremely cold and his truck didn’t have heat so I curled up in a ball and slept for at least 3 hours while he was working.
🖤 Waiting to Exhale soundtrack- This is just life. My entire middle school and half of my high school years can be summed up by the songs on this soundtrack. Mary J. Blige Not Gon’ Cry when a boy broke up with me I would go in my room put my headphones on and blast this song. This is also when I would start writing trying to let my anger out.
🖤 Whitney Houston- I don’t care what anyone has to say about her personal life which no one has the right to judge because you don’t know the shit she probably dealt with but she could sing. She was in the list of Mariah and Boyz II Men. The first time I heard this soundtrack I was in 6th grade because I remember my great aunt coming down and going to Helen with her, my mom and grandma listening to Count on Me on repeat. I imagined a friend and I singing this song at a talent show. I was just pretending that I knew how to sing.
🖤 Strawberry Wine-Deana Carter- 5th and 6th grade. We had a new girl at school who would end up being my best friend and our clique ran the school. I remember all the sleepovers we would have, hanging out in our friends attic (she had the biggest house out of all us.) We spent so many nights hanging out and talking in the attic. I think of all the fun we had it makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. We had a group that went to “counseling” for some bullshit reason that we made up so we could skip class and hang out together, then she moved. My other close friend skipped a grade so she was at a new school. We listened to this song on repeat and every time I hear it I think about hanging up in the attic together talking about boys, and the future, whatever television show was popular. Those are priceless memories.
🖤 What a wonderful World- Louis Armstrong- I was 13 when I asked my mom for a Louis Armstrong cd. I pronounced his entire name by the way because I thought it sounded cool. I wanted it on vinyl because everything sounds better on Vinyl. I had great taste in music when I was younger. This was during my I take myself too seriously as a writer phase. I used it to help me write because you know I was destined for greatness at an early age.
🖤 Over the Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo’ole- I am almost positive at spelled his name right. This is the best version of this song every made!!! I sang this to my daughter too. I play it every year on her birthday, I can associate memories with music. I can remember things from when I was 5 years old if I hear a song. It is what is saving my brain.
🖤 Rent soundtrack- Rent is incredible the first time I saw it I was 7 month pregnant with my daughter and in a wheelchair because of my back. I was in awe the entire time. I just remember thinking what amazing talent someone had to write this. My dream is to see it on Broadway one day. We saw it last year in the same place and it was better than the first time.
My favorite childhood book and still a favorite is “Bridge to Terabithia.” It later on in my life would serve a whole new meaning. I had comprehension issues when I was younger. I could read extremely fast I wasn’t able to comprehend things that were boring. My teacher called it selective comprehension. I just didn’t like books that were boring and wouldn’t read them. I like the books that I found interesting and that was it. Well in school that doesn’t work. I did my first book report on this book and I was so proud of myself. I cut a line out of the poster board for Jesse to run, got to use the hot glue gun to make a rope going across a river and a few other things. I was so proud of that poster and I think my teacher was just happy I didn’t make reading a book difficult. I have a copy and I gave it to my daughter to read. She said, “Mama I’ve seen the movie.” But the book is better. Usually the book is always better than the movie. This book would continue on to have a major impact in my life. I still read it from time to time and still get excited when Jesse races or sad at the end. It’s amazing how one little book could have such an impact on your life.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 