No goals for May. April and May were rough for me so no goals listed for May we will start over again in June and hopefully I will feel better then.
No goals for May. April and May were rough for me so no goals listed for May we will start over again in June and hopefully I will feel better then.
April sucked. I tried but life happened in between.
150 subscribers- YAY I did it!!
1100 views- nope
700 visitors- nope
2 Bipolar Chronicles- nope
3 post a week- nope
10 views a day= nope
125 likes- nope
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope
700 followers- nope
700 posts- nope
50 visits per week- nope
Blog post- nope
Let’s start with the facts:
-I am a Christian. I go to church and read my bible. (Don’t stop reading this isn’t just a pro-life post.) There is more to it than that because I think that we all ignore the gray area.
-I suffer from bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, severe generalized anxiety.
If I were to get pregnant today I don’t know if I would keep it. We all have these amazing thoughts and plans if it happens to you but you don’t know until it does actually happen to you. So I’m saying I don’t know if I would keep it and that is true. I do think abortion would be an option I would consider. This isn’t because I don’t want the child it is because of the danger to myself and to the unborn child and then the child after it is born. This is from my perspective. I am not saying you can’t do it because people do it all the time but it isn’t for everyone.
The part I think about is the type and amount of medication I am on that I did research before I made this post none of which are safe during pregnancy. That means I get weaned off of those and put on others one we hope works while I’m pregnant. The next factor is hormones are out of whack medication isn’t exactly right what happens if I become manic or start hallucinating/ having delusions. What if I try to die by suicide and in the process kill the baby. What would that do to my already fragile state?
I know that I’m stable right now and would be better capable to make a sound decision but what if I’m not and I’m in danger is it wrong for my husband to help with that decision? It is my body and my choice but what if I’m not able to make that choice and he knows what I want. Is he able to express this?
The topic is being made black and white by so many people and the gray area is the same tune everywhere but no one is talking about the mental health aspect. I can still believe that life begins at conception and understand the dangers of my illness.
What do you think? Do you think my husband as a right to make that decision for me knowing my wishes? Do you think the doctors would listen to him? Do you think you can be both pro-life and pro-choice? Do you think your mental illness is a reason for abortion?
If you’ve ever struggled with dependency, addiction is currently using or recovering this post may trigger you. Please know that it is never my intent to trigger anyone but a warning is necessary.
I also want to apologize to people whose lives I caused havoc and pain. I can’t take it back or change what I did but thank you for whatever role you played to try and save me from myself. I know our friendships/relationships may never be the same but I hope you get a chance to know me the sober, happier version of me.
A- Attention (positive or negative I didn’t care)
B- Benzos. Self-medicating for the things I didn’t want to deal with.
C- Caffeine- caffeine addiction is real and is another form I used to self medicate
D- Diet pills for that extra upper when caffeine wasn’t enough.
•I learned how to recover from myself•
I’ve struggled with this post. I’ve started, stopped, deleted, edited over and over again but I could never find a good way to talk about it but maybe because there isn’t one. Addiction is a hard topic for anyone admitting you have a problem is the first step they say but you can have an addiction to anything, myself I’ve not touched benzo in almost two years and considering my history it’s probably best we stay that way. You see addicts and think why can’t they just get over it right? You also say that will never be me but don’t give yourself that much credit it only takes one time one high and that’s it. You chase the high you will never get again.
My struggles with addiction aren’t what you might see on intervention but I am going to break it down letter by letter.
A- Attention- I was attention whoring at its finest. I would find any and everything that I could to stretch out enough for attention. It peaked in 2015 which if you haven’t read I was a horrible person (and that isn’t for attention like I did some seriously bad shit and fucked up so many people who tried to help me.) I just wanted that attention so bad I would do stupid things on purpose just for a reaction. I lied about almost everything to hide the other things I didn’t want anyone to know about. It got so bad I overdosed twice on purpose because I knew that would temporarily fill that loneliness inside me. I didn’t want to deal with what I actually was dealing with fake things helped cover up the pain I was in. I called the suicide hotline and I knew what to say for the conversation so they wouldn’t call 911. (I do worry people won’t take me seriously after this.) I woke up and thought about what I could do today and who I wanted the attention from. I could manipulate almost anyone for the attention I felt I had to have. This was one of the hardest things to recover from because of recovering from myself. This wasn’t something I could just take away. It took a good 6 to 8 months to finally feel from it. I’m officially 14 months clean from this.
B- Benzos- I feel like this story is the same for many people. I just started seeing a psychiatrist again and out of Klonopin but I told him it wasn’t really working. He gave me Valium and when that didn’t help he gave me Xanax and those bitches were my best friend. I would skip taking my actual meds (mood stabilizers, antipsychotics the important ones) because they didn’t get me high and when I finally did take them I would take 7 or 8 Lamictal at one time assuming that my body would take that for all the days I skipped. (it doesn’t work don’t try it.) All I was doing is causing more damage to my body. So the script for Xanax in 2014 started at .25 one a day as needed, then when I went back prescribed .5 (after assuring him I was out of the .25 and then after that 1 mg and then 2 mg XR. When you are on drugs you can manipulate enough to get what you want. I was out of some of them but what everyone forgot is I had refills and CVS is stupid and I got them all filled in the same week. So I had 60 each of the .25 and .5, 30 of the 1 mg and 30 of the 2 mg XR lets not forget that I still had Valium.
I started in 2014 mid-year after I hurt myself and I mixed Oxycodone with Xanax and that was it. I didn’t really dabble much in pain pills because they were too hard to access but benzos were simple and I had refills. I could go through 180 pills in 30 days. I was up to about 5 or 6 mg a day which seems like a lot to some people but maybe not much to others but I peaked close to 10 mg. I think the most interesting part was that I was able to hide it from everyone until 2015 when it all kind if came out but I convinced everyone that I was done and I white-knuckled so I was okay, but I still was using. I snorted Xanax a few times which is really just a waste of pills because it doesn’t really get you high so you spent all that time crushing for no reason. I did, however, snort Valium. I actually snorted it off my Bible because I couldn’t find anything else. I got obsessed with snorting for a while and snorted Goody’s headache powder cut with Valium. How I didn’t end up with more problems or cause more permanent damage I will never know. I overdosed on Xanax at least 5 times and drove high many times. I have so much guilt for the things I did when I was high especially what my daughter saw. I will never know the ways I traumatized her. I changed my ways because of her. My husband got tired of it and the last time I tried to die by suicide and overdosed on Halcion, Xanax and whiskey he kicked my ass out of the house until I sobered up. I stayed at my mom’s house with a mattress on the floor. I will tell you that white knuckling is hard when part of your condition to coming home is to not miss work. It felt like I had the flu I spent most of my time in the bathroom but I didn’t leave work early I stayed and told them I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was also detoxing from caffeine at the same time. I sobered my ass up and came back home with many conditions one is losing all control of my medication which I was fine with. I was manic at the time of my last suicide attempt. I stopped taking my antipsychotic like 5 months before that. I didn’t even know I stopped. There are times I want to get high but I know that high isn’t worth losing my daughter. I try to find healthier ways to cope with my anxiety. I am proud to say on 9/28/19 I am 2 years sober from benzos. It is a long road but I will get there. I know that I will deal with this for the rest of my life but I think I will be okay.
C/D- Caffeine/Diet pills- The biggest struggle that I still deal with. I used to be able to drink 4, 20-ounce Redbulls without a problem. I think we have pictures of how many Redbulls I drank at once. I was consuming almost 1000 mg of caffeine daily between Redbull and diet pills. I would wake up sick until I got caffeine. The great thing about caffeine is it is cheap and so easily accessible. I had diet pills and Red Bull stashed everywhere. I would chug a Redbull hot. I didn’t sip Redbull I chugged it. It wasn’t about enjoying the taste it was about getting that caffeine in my system. I preferred diet pill capsules. You could break the capsules and snort the powder. I stole diet pills whenever I could. I used to take a Red Bulls to open it walk around the store until I finished it and hide the empty cans on shelves throughout the store when I was low on money. I would also switch out empty diet pill bottles for full ones. White knuckling from this was the hardest thing I ever did and I can say I’m almost 5 months with no caffeine. It isn’t easy and by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m getting there. One step at a time…..
I worked today. It was work. On another note I didn’t want to ruin this weekend the way I ruined last weekend. I knew this and even though my day sucked I made the decision to try to make the day better. I got home hugged and kissed everyone and put on a happy face. We put on another face mask and watched a family movie and it was just a nice evening. The mask hurt to peel off hurt. I have a beautiful picture of a rainbow that I can’t wait to post. I want to put it on Instagram after I watermark it.
My moods are unstable and I am rapid cycling. I would rather lean towards manic because at least I have energy which sounds horrible I know. This seems to be an everlasting fucking mood issue. I am waiting for the up even though I know how unpredictable and crazy it can be.
I didn’t go to work today. I feel horrible and just want to sleep the day away. I was going to try and use a bit of energy to update a few things but it isn’t happening. I am still waiting for my phone case so I can use the new camera on my phone. I have this awesome new camera on my phone and I want to use it so badly. I want to feel like my old self again and I am hoping that after today I will start to feel like myself again. I got lost again and I am trying to find my way back then I don’t know why I keeps happening. What the fuck is going on with me. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go up there and see him.
I found a really good documentary on A&E. I know almost everyone has seen Intervention but they have an entire series dedicated to this area in Atlanta known as the Heroin triangle. You know things are bad in other states but you never realize how bad it actually is in your own state. I know in Atlanta with the airport there is an open market for drugs but I never expected it to be like this. I want to state for the record that I cry whenever I watch Intervention. Whenever they agree to treatment I cry. It never fails. It makes me happy and then when they update that they stayed sober I cry more. I will spend the rest of my day watching Intervention.
I had a long day at work but when I got off work I went to CVS and got one of those black peel off masks for all of us to try. It wasn’t the same one you see on Facebook but this one had glitter which made it much better. When I went to CVS they had my Cadbury eggs on clearance and I got a lot of them. I don’t need to eat them I need to focus on losing weight but they help so much with my writing. I always need something to chew on while I am writing.
I tried to make the rest of my day better but it was hard. I am still watching documentaries and I need to work on my blog and Instagram instead but I’m not. I keep watching my documentaries because it is a nice world to kind of get lost in and it helps with the writing process. I look for any and every way to improve the writing process. I draw inspiration from everywhere I can. I can’t wait for my vacation time to renew so I can take some time off and really get focused
If you are wondering why there are some gaps there are things in my journal I unfortunately I can’t post.
IT IS FINALLY MAY!! I hope that means nicer weather and a low electric bill for a little while. I am excited to get my new phone and new phone case so I can use my phone properly. I am currently using a questionable old phone case on my phone until I can get the new one. I got an IPhone (of course Apple for life.) IPhone XS Max which is amazing. I really needed a new phone.
Today I went to South Carolina with Wayne to pick up a truck but it wasn’t ready so we explored the area and I fell asleep a few times. We found a mall which was really nice kind of sketchy on the outside but they had a lot of good stores in it. We started at Books-A-Million where Wayne bought a bible (FINALLY!!!) and a book of Ronald R. Journals. We walked around for a bit and I found Sephora (it was only a matter of time.) and I bought my daughter face wash because she is obsessed with making sure her skin is clear. I am happy that she cares about her appearance and making sure her face is washed.
I use my free Chick-Fil-A coupon and ate my yummy Chick-Fil-A sandwich and on the way home we stopped to look at the Guide Stones which were awesome. It reminds there are things bigger than yourself and it made everything better.
I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.
I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.
I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?
Today just sucked. I had to spend way too much time on the phone with the state dept. of revenue trying to clear all of this shit up. I had to call my attorney we had to pull the records from my bankruptcy to see what was covered. I have a severe tension headache and I don’t want to deal with this shit right now but I cant ignore it because if I do it will only get worse. It seems like my past just keeps creeping right back in. It’s like, “Hey I haven’t fucked you over enough as it is lets do it some more.” I wish I had a lot of money to solve all of these fucking problems.
Other reasons my day sucked: People are trying again to use my blog against me even though I am not talking about anyone particular except my husband and daughter or occasionally my two best friends. I don’t know why they think they are so damn important that anything would be about them. Except this: Please suck my veiny hairy dick k thanks. I would do the finger emoji if I could find it. This is the only dedication you get to anything fucking idiots.
My daughter and I hit up DG again and I got something for this horrendous headache from stress and anxiety and comfort food because lets be honest we all need some comfort food when shit like this happens.
We sat on Waynes grandparents back porch talking and laughing. This makes everything better. These moments with families are priceless and worth more than any of this stress I have.