That was the weirdest most uncomfortable therapy session I’ve had and I dealt with 8 hours of group therapy during an involuntary psych hold.
Lets start with the fact that I tried to be a little optimistic and wanted her to wait and see the non showering, no makeup, same clothes for days, greasy hair and not sure when the last time I brushed my teeth for the 2nd or 3rd visit like a normal person would. I got up brushed my teeth, hair put on makeup, changed clothes (even tried to make sure they matched) and left the house a few minutes later than I wanted to, but it wasn’t a big deal then half way there I get pulled over for following to close to a cop car and that took forever then my car stalls on the way there. These are signs to me that this trip should not happen but I continued on like a brave warrior.Then I got to the building…..
When I got to the building I should’ve run the other direction. It was this rundown shopping center with this disgusting old flower shop that was barely hanging together and she was on the side of the building so I walked along the edge and knocked on this door and this older woman unlocked the door and let me in she then guided me down this half finished hallway to a small office. I texted Wayne at this point letting him know where I was in case things got shady. I walked into this dim lit room and she handed me a bunch of papers (see below) that I filled out while she asked the normal bullshit psych questions. She was very odd and I couldn’t make heads or tales of her. She kept asking what do you want to tell me and every time I started she stopped me mid sentence so I said fuck it I’m done talking. She lost my drivers license and we spent more time looking for it then we did talking. It was not a good experience and I will not go back. Le sigh I will I will start the search all over again.
Marriage is complicated, all relationships are complicated but marriage/relationships with mental health feel impossible. I know I talk about my husband all the time and how wonderful he is but our marriage is hard and our relationship is messy. He has trust issues with me not because I never cheated but because I’ve lied about money, caffeine, medicine, my moods so it makes it hard for him To trust me but it also means he worries all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with me all the time I don’t want to deal with me majority of the time and I have to.
We got in a fight the other night because I had Starbucks double shot energy drinks hidden in a drawer. I lost the will to fight against it and I had two on different days but hid them in the drawer. I hid them because I promised I would do better and not drink energy drinks anymore. I lied about not drinking them and what hurts worse than someone being mad at you is someone being disappointed in you. When someone says they are disappointed in you your heart breaks completely. I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up and wanting to talk it out with him. I wanted to make it all better by everything I said kept making it worse. All I did was dig myself deeper in a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I just wanted him to forgive me for yet another fuck up and I know everyone will say people make mistakes I just make the same damn one over and over again. He just got to where he could trust me to be responsible again and I did this. I could’ve talked to him and should’ve talked to him about it instead of giving in. Caffeine for me is an addiction no it isn’t as strong as drugs or the benzos but it’s a dangerous habit that can cause horrible consequences. I understand why he is mad and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how many more fuck ups I have before he says enough is enough. Sometimes I hate this illness so much I wish I could make it go away.
Fuck my life I don’t know how to fix it.
I know this confuses people because of so many stigmas but I am bipolar strong. We are going to change the generic symptoms and complications and make them positives for me and hopefully you(the best I can.)
- Substance abuse- been there done that.It was prescription. I emerged from it better and more open to share my story.
- Legal problems- Knock on wood never arrested/potentially could’ve been legal problems if people weren’t so understanding of my illness.
- Financial problems or crises- Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I got the mark on my credit score for the next 7 years to prove it.
- Relationship troubles- Yeah every relationship with me is complicated. I’ve learned from this how understanding and open minded can be and how it is important to make sure the RIGHT people are in your life.
- Isolation and loneliness- I need this sometimes. I need the isolation as time to sleep and calm down especially when my anxiety feels uncontrollable. There is a difference and stepping away for a minute then completely shutting everyone off but I do think in the right capacity it is healthy for everyone.
- Promiscuous behavior- I am fortunate enough to never have this problem.
- Poor work or school performance- Please note the 13,000 in student loans and about 12 parts of a degree. I am an almost expert in a lot of subjects. I would always get so pumped up and then mood would change, money would change and I would lose focus or interest and obsess over something new. I am okay with that though because it meant that I got experience in things I never may have otherwise. I also believe that about my jobs too. I’ve done some wild and crazy things good and bad they have all taught me so much especially about myself.
- Missed work or school- Yep and I was consistent. It just better proved that my work was understanding and were able to be there for me through the crisis.
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts- I can’t even begin to count how many or how often this happened. I can recognize warning signs that may be hard for other people to notice who haven’t been or are use to or know. I see little things that remind me of times when I was bad and I try to help in a way that is benefiting to everyone.
I AM BIPOLAR STRONG!!!!!
CAN YOU TAKE YOUR ILLNESS AND MAKE IT FROM A NEGATIVE TO ANY POSITIVES?
If you haven’t read the first post entitled suck my dick. I wrote a letter to a bitchy mom on Instagram for my content but now it’s time for a second volume for the general public.
SUCK MY DICK VOL. 2
– Stop pill shaming people. Yes I take almost 1500 mg of medication a day and the reason I can function is because of said medication. I don’t ask you why you take 600 mg of ibuprofen Barbara so mind your own fucking business.
– If you make any comment that may suggest that my illness is weird I will lick my hand and wipe it on you. Just so you can “catch” it too. (That is totally how it works btw)
– On the pill shaming- don’t ask what it’s for and say yeah you need it….. You didn’t even know what was for 2 seconds ago.
– We get to make the jokes, it isn’t cute when you say, “hey I’m a little bipolar too.” It doesn’t work like that bitch. It’s not an adjective to describe your current mood. It is an actual illness. I don’t say omg my toe is so broken today. Yeah sounds stupid don’t be a dick.
– Lastly just don’t be a dick…. if it sounds stupid, ignorant, and rude then just DON’T BE A DICK!!
If you want to question the fact that I don’t have a dick just remember it’s probably bigger than yours.