Tag: bipolar

Photo Day – 3 Sometimes you need to improvise your table

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The first one is my Halloween production area waiting for trick or treaters (we only have 5). It is an old table I bought on clearance at Target. We never use it for anything else but it came in handy.

The second picture is not really a table but at the moment it worked. You need a place to put your Chinese food while you are working on blog posts you forget to post and/or save. Yep that happens often. The important thing to take from this is sometimes you got to work with what you have around you.

Photo Day 2- Eat me up buttercup – a look at my breakfast!

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This again is from the walk. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I quickly learned they don’t have a great breakfast options besides donuts. I ordered a bacon egg and cheese bagel without the egg. I can’t eat eggs like that it tears my stomach up every time. The bagel was a little crispy and there were burnt pieces on my hash browns but it was enough to tide me over until we went and ate lunch/dinner. I wouldn’t recommend breakfast there ever.

Grateful Day 1 a My absolute favorite person

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I’ve told everyone before that I won’t really show any pictures of my daughter so here is a picture of her without a face. I bought her that shirt at the event. I never thought I could loves someone as much as I love her. She cried as we held up our beads with pride on Sunday.

She makes me proud and I love everything about her but I’m amazed through everything she is a good person and that’s all I ask for.

Photo day 1- Getting up close and personal

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This is my new favorite picture from the walk. (It may show up a few more times) my green sticky note is for my personal struggle. This is tattooed on the back of my neck and still stands true. I will fight for my life everyday until it’s my time. My daughters sticky note is right above it and it means so much that she cares so deeply about this. Out of all the up close pictures this one is unique and full of sentimental value.

🎃 Happy Halloween 🎃

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I am not particularly fond of Halloween I find it triggering and annoying. People don’t realize pretending to be a psych patient isn’t funny especially when you’ve been there. It isn’t the young kids that bother me it is the older ones who really fuck things up. My daughter wanted to be a zombie doctor which I don’t care for. I can’t watch Walking Dead or any other zombie apocalypse movies because it causes severe anxiety and stirs up some bad thoughts. This is guaranteed to cause issues with psychosis and some long sleepless nights that involve jumbled talking and pacing. Halloween triggers some bad things for people like me so being courteous to people like us is wonderful.

Bipolar Schizophrenia psychosis vs. Hollywood film industry’s version of “Horror films”

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Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.

Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

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First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤

🖤 Day 30 🖤 Favorite comfort foods

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This won’t be a long list because I don’t have many because anxiety keeps me from eating. Chocolate isn’t on top of my list though it is my picture

🖤 Deli meats- I absolutely love deli meats more specifically Italian deli meats. I don’t need bread or anything else. I eat it right out of the bag because why not right?

🖤 Caffeine- I can’t have it anymore but it used to be extremely comforting to snuggle up with a RedBull because it made me feel better.

🖤 Slim Jims and popcorn- Who doesn’t love popcorn and popcorn with a good movie. Some people love sweets but personally love salt and butter.

🖤Peppermint- Helps with anxiety.

This is a short list but it is all I can think of

🖤

🖤 Day 29 🖤 Top things on my bucket list

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🖤 I am doing it right now. This was on my bucket list to have a blog with followers with people who actually enjoy my writing.

🖤 Book- This book needs a fucking title soon so I will quit just calling it book, I know you are getting tired of almost every blog post talking about my book but I am shamelessly self advertising for a book that isn’t finished yet. It is getting there and I promise when it gets out there and is a best seller I will send all of my followers an autographed copy.

🖤 New York- I in a million years could never explain to you what my obsession of New York is but I want to go so bad. I’ve been up and down the east coast because I have family on New Hampshire and we would drive up there when I was a kid on our way to Canada to see more family, but we never went to New York. I want to ride down the Brooklyn Bridge and see the skyline in Manhattan. I have memorized part of the subway. One day when I am a famous writer I will own an apartment, flat or something with a view of Central Park. I want to go see Rent on Broadway sit in a small cafe and write. It just seems so beautiful.

🖤 Australia- This is new on my bucket list because my daughter wants to go to Australia and have a job as a marine biologist. I would love to go and see it I’ve read that it is beautiful but it is always extremely expensive and it is something I have to save up for.

🖤 Plane ride- I used to be terrified of planes but I need to get over that fear for my daughter so I want to take a plane ride preferably not over an ocean my first time just a small ride to somewhere that doesn’t take long and isn’t really expensive or scary.

🖤 Celebrities- I have a list of celebrities I would love to meet and when my book (see there it is again) becomes a movie would love to play different roles. 90’s rom coms are the best and how I’ve come up with a lot of different ideas to write.

🖤 Movie Producer – I would love to be a movie producer preferably my own movie, but I think it is extremely fascinating the way they edit and make movies. I would never star in a movie just help make one.

🖤 Foundation- This is new with my illness to start a foundation that helps people with low income or no income get help would be awesome. I want them to receive proper medical care kind of like a legal aid for people who need help with an illness and medication.

Now a letter from my 12 year old self

Tarsha,

If you are reading this then you made it and you are a famous writer living somewhere fancy. I assume that it is from your remake of “Tom and Huck” that they made into a movie. If not then it is the other one you are working on from Mrs. Smith class. You need to read “The Cay” again because it makes you feel better and you will remember most of 5th grade from that book. I hope you aren’t dating an asshole and still obsessed with those assholes in 6th grade also that you aren’t still listening to the same John Michael Montgomery songs. They are wore out and part of a fantasy that ain’t happening. I hope you have found a boyfriend that is better and actually LIKES YOU BACK!! This should include some floppy disk with other great story ideas that you never finished jut in case you need some extra ideas for your next book and you won that lawsuit against SNL. They should never make light of your book it is intense and meant to be a drama. I also hope you have a list of new goals to meet and this is the start to the amazing life you wanted. Your teachers told you that you were destined to do great things. Keep in touch with yourself and make big waves. You are too complex to do simple things.

Peace love and chicken grease,

Tarsha