Weekly Update 17

  • Diet or workout is not happening right now
  • In the middle of episode or episodes depending on what day it is
  • I am forcing myself to write so if it doesn’t make sense that is why. I have to learn to work this shit out in healthy ways
  • Scroll down and check out post from 1/6- 1/13 there is some good stuff in there
  • No sodas still
  • Anxiety level is through the fucking roof
  • My brain is fuzzy
  • I have therapy tomorrow. (Yeah said no person ever)
  • I tried to be productive but it didn’t work
  • All I want to do is sleep
  • I want to be numb
  • Why couldn’t I be more responsible with pills?
  • Why can’t I form the words I want
  • Why do I ruin everything I touch?
  • The only good thing is I am not suicidal.
  • Stay tuned for more of my fucking brain won’t work
  • Next weeks update should be interesting
  • Keep watching for more sporadic posts
  • I am not a danger to myself or others.

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Therapy

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it is causing severe anxiety issues which in turn are causes a ton of other problems because my anxiety is what triggers everything else to say ok brain it is time to fuck some shit up so lets pull this wire and this wire and put it here who cares if it fucks up this this and this. I love when my brain likes to use these things to start and fuck with me. The therapist seems optimistic about this meeting even though I told her that I am going to therapy because I have to the last time I did this it didn’t end well at all. She was a nice person but it was hard to communicate with her. I will update more after therapy.

I will be productive today

Today I will be productive and I made a to do list of blogs and Instagram and then things that I need to do today. I planned on being productive but my brain had other plans. I am still not half way finished with everything I wanted to do, but I washed my face this morning and evening, brushed my teeth and my hair which if anyone who has been there before understands and I know how cliche it sounds but it is true. I am trying so hard but everything feels like it is failing. I want my brain to work and I want to learn a healthier way of dealing with everything. I am just fucked from sanity right now.

Things are kinda falling apart right now and so am I.

After everything that happened yesterday I just kind of feel numb and this is without using anything I just ended up that way. I knew it was coming I could feel it after the amount of crying I did. I don’t like crying not because I think it makes you weak it is what reminds me that I hold too much in and if I found reasons to cry more often then maybe I would feel better and I wouldn’t focus on numbing everything. I put a closed sign on my instagram and my blog because I can’t think long enough to form one thought. These thoughts now are forced and I am trying to make sense of everything that’s happened. My brain isn’t working and Wayne has noticed and it worries him. I am not making sense and it is hard for me to comprehend simple tasks. I am really struggling and I don’t know how to keep focus and make sense of everything. I have therapy on Tuesday and I think that this is part of the problem. I am not ready for therapy. My life feels like it is slow motion and my brain is on fast forward 32x and everything is just so jumbled. I fucking hate this illness I just want my brain to function correctly just once dammit. Just one damn time I want to handle things like a person who isn’t completely fucked in the head, but this is my life forever and right now it feels like a death sentence.

I am going back to sleep that is most of what I’ve done all day after church and taking my daughter to get her nails done. I need sometime to clear my head without pills…. I don’t know if/how I can do it.

How my brain works: utterly obsessed or uninterested

I got my hair cut today and now I’m obsessed with products and things to make it beautiful. I do this with everything and that is a big problem with my book I get so interested and obsessed and soak myself in and then it happens I just lose all interest in it. It’s starting to happen with my blog and that it is hard to deal with. I want to stay motivated and want to do it but at the same time I get so wrapped up in it I lose all concept of time. All of this stress is causing more issues.

Yearly Goals- Blog

  • Upgrade account to business
  • profit off ads
  • 300 subscribers
  • 1000 post
  • complete Bipolar Chronicles
  • average likes per day 35+
  • average visitors (please turn into subscribers) 500+
  • good content
  • advertise my page
  • keep up with workout story

 

Bipolar Chronicles- #BipolarStrong

I know this confuses people because of so many stigmas but I am bipolar strong. We are going to change the generic symptoms and complications and make them positives for me and hopefully you(the best I can.)

  • Substance abuse- been there done that.It was prescription. I emerged from it better and more open to share my story.
  • Legal problems- Knock on wood never arrested/potentially could’ve been legal problems if people weren’t so understanding of my illness.
  • Financial problems or crises- Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I got the mark on my credit score for the next 7 years to prove it.
  • Relationship troubles- Yeah every relationship with me is complicated. I’ve learned from this how understanding and open minded can be and how it is important to make sure the RIGHT people are in your life.
  • Isolation and loneliness- I need this sometimes. I need the isolation as time to sleep and calm down especially when my anxiety feels uncontrollable. There is a difference and stepping away for a minute then completely shutting everyone off but I do think in the right capacity it is healthy for everyone.
  • Promiscuous behavior- I am fortunate enough to never have this problem.
  • Poor work or school performance- Please note the 13,000 in student loans and about 12 parts of a degree. I am an almost expert in a lot of subjects. I would always get so pumped up and then mood would change, money would change and I would lose focus or interest and obsess over something new. I am okay with that though because it meant that I got experience in things I never may have otherwise. I also believe that about my jobs too. I’ve done some wild and crazy things good and bad they have all taught me so much especially about myself.
  • Missed work or school- Yep and I was consistent. It just better proved that my work was understanding and were able to be there for me through the crisis.
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts- I can’t even begin to count how many or how often this happened. I can recognize warning signs that may be hard for other people to notice who haven’t been or are use to or know. I see little things that remind me of times when I was bad and I try to help in a way that is benefiting to everyone.

I AM BIPOLAR STRONG!!!!!

CAN YOU TAKE YOUR ILLNESS AND MAKE IT FROM A NEGATIVE TO ANY POSITIVES?

 

Little moments make big memories

I found something today that was a big part of my past in a positive way. These are the things that made a difference in my life. It involves people who made a huge impact in my life. It made me sad to see it I miss these people so much and no they aren’t dead they just moved away and are no longer around anymore. I miss them so much and I know they are tired of hearing from me so much but their presence helps so much. This is a short update.

Weekly Update 16 (late as always)

  • My gratitude posts with awesome quotes are actually my day to day issues and struggles. I never run out of those.
  • I said I was starting a diet but I watched YouTube and ate pizza so there’s that.
  • I am drinking more water which gets me started on the right track.
  • No caffeine though with lack of sleep is getting really hard to do.
  • Monthly and yearly goals are ready to be posted. I am excited to see where we end up.
  • I have 15 drafts currently going for the Bipolar Chronicles. The best thing to do would be to actually finish them.
  • I would scroll down some there are blog post I backdate and I don’t want you to miss any of the good stuff.
  • My New Years was awesome and I rang it in with my two favorite people.
  • We will see you next week with more updates!!!