I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it is causing severe anxiety issues which in turn are causes a ton of other problems because my anxiety is what triggers everything else to say ok brain it is time to fuck some shit up so lets pull this wire and this wire and put it here who cares if it fucks up this this and this. I love when my brain likes to use these things to start and fuck with me. The therapist seems optimistic about this meeting even though I told her that I am going to therapy because I have to the last time I did this it didn’t end well at all. She was a nice person but it was hard to communicate with her. I will update more after therapy.
Today I will be productive and I made a to do list of blogs and Instagram and then things that I need to do today. I planned on being productive but my brain had other plans. I am still not half way finished with everything I wanted to do, but I washed my face this morning and evening, brushed my teeth and my hair which if anyone who has been there before understands and I know how cliche it sounds but it is true. I am trying so hard but everything feels like it is failing. I want my brain to work and I want to learn a healthier way of dealing with everything. I am just fucked from sanity right now.
Today Wayne and I got in a fight. I had an ok day at work but after that I came home and the world crashed around me. I came home from work and I wanted to tell him about my day but I felt like he wasn’t listening also when I got home I wanted to do something different because I am so tired of structure in my life. It is like I do the same fucking thing everyday I go to work, come home spend time with Wayne and my daughter, eat supper and then I take my medicine and go to bed. I wasn’t meant for this life of fucking structure. I am so tired of being stuck in this routine but the flip side is without structure and routine I end up making bad decisions on impulse and usually they are dangerous to me. It can cause a lot of problems that I’ve avoided the last year because of this fucking routine. It is a double edge sword and I feel like I need a break from it but that is almost impossible.
I got mad without realizing how mad I was until Wayne made it apparent to me. I was screaming, swearing but I hurt my daughter and that is the hardest part. I said some not so nice things without realizing it (this again is why I need to save up for therapy when she gets older.) When I snapped back into reality she was in her room sobbing and Wayne had to start yelling to get me to snap back where I was and what was happening. I fell apart and even when I tried to make things better it just made things worse. I really fucked up this time and it’s been awhile since I accomplished such a task in a small amount of time. I went in our bedroom closed the door and started sobbing. This is the sobbing I’ve wanted for weeks which sounds odd but if it comes out then I am able to complete a cycle of fucked uppedness that I go through. I think it is similar to the phases in the moon, but when I started crying I couldn’t stop no matter what I tried there was no calming down and all I wanted to do was the one thing I am not able to do anymore which is pop a couple of pills succumb to the high and numb myself from all the pain, but it is no longer an option so I had to deal with it. I am still not good at dealing with my emotions and it just sunk me down further and my heart just broke a little more. It is hard dealing with emotions that are so extreme they feel like it is slowly killing me from the inside. I just want to be numb right now.
I got my hair cut today and now I’m obsessed with products and things to make it beautiful. I do this with everything and that is a big problem with my book I get so interested and obsessed and soak myself in and then it happens I just lose all interest in it. It’s starting to happen with my blog and that it is hard to deal with. I want to stay motivated and want to do it but at the same time I get so wrapped up in it I lose all concept of time. All of this stress is causing more issues.
I wanted to get my hair cut at Ulta but I had some issues that I couldn’t wait for so I went ahead and got it cut. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m the elephant in the room. I want to feel beautiful and normal like other people. I got in an argument with Wayne because I was just so frustrated with everything. I don’t know how or why he puts up with me.
My husband is proud of me but not in the way others might think. Of course he brags to people about my blog and Instagram accounts but he is proud of me. He is proud of how strong I am when I need to be, how weak I can be and the ability to show when I’m vulnerable. He is proud after years of hiding my emotions I tell him now when I’m overwhelmed when my anxiety is so bad I can’t actually communicate properly. He is proud of me because I communicate with him and even the tiniest detail can make a huge difference. He is proud of me for being open about my illness and sharing even the hardest of stories. He is proud to see the person I’m becoming and being a part of this amazing person he’s always known was in there but waited to come out. He understands when I don’t want to eat or shower but encourages me anyway with simple things that will make me happy about it. When I hear him say he is proud of me I get tears in my eyes because I remember the old days. He is proud of me and while he can’t combat things like my wife ran a half marathon with my wife took a shower for the first time in days. I know he is proud of me.
Today was perfect. The weather was unseasonably warm the sun was shining for the first time in days. We went to church and I wrote the post about the bathroom and then when we got home my husband decided to clean the gutters and my daughter got on her hover board scooting around the yard and the street but I just sat in our sun room and let the warmth soak up in my skin. There are so many negative things happening with me lately the sunshine just pushed them all away. My husband and daughter played Frisbee in the yard and I loved watching them play with Roscoe. It was a good day and it was a day that I needed desperately to make me feel better with all the downs I’ve experienced. I know they say that sunshine can help with your depression and I only believe it helps sometimes but it isn’t an end all cure all for everything. I need more time away and I need more money. I want more freedom. I have way too much structure in my life and I feel contained. I need to do something sporadic to make me feel better maybe tomorrow.