Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case. I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand?
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.
I took apart a laminator today. It was jammed so badly the paper would not come out and usually these things don’t bother me but for some reason today it did, today it felt like that laminator was part of my life but it was a part that I could fix. If I took it apart the way I took apart my feelings when I put it back together all of those overwhelming problems would disappear. I unscrewed all the screws and I closed my eyes long enough to imagine the screws to my brain were free and I pulled the jammed papers that were nothing more than bad thoughts stuck between the two ends but no matter what I used or how hard I pulled it wouldn’t budge and I knew those thoughts were stuck in the same place. I used every bit of force I could but it was in such an odd position the paper still wouldn’t move and I thought about every bad thought I’d had today about myself, my life and the people around me that were jammed in all the small places and even thought they weren’t in my mins right then they were sitting there waiting for the right moment to set free. I worked on this laminator for an hour and no one bothered or stopped me from it I was just so focused on fixing it and being able to say that I fixed what was broken and I could accomplish this here I could anywhere.
I suffered defeat though no matter what I did I just couldn’t make it work. I felt like a failure I’m sitting here unable to fix this object that is sitting in front of me, it only requires a few nuts and bolts, so I definitely can’t fix me. I am way more complicated then a few nuts and bolts. How am I going to get myself out of this rut and will I ever be able to? Why am I here I’m taking my meds so what’s changed? I put it back together knowing it will never be the same again, but neither will my feelings nothing fit back the way it came out and I’m just stuck.
I know this confuses people because of so many stigmas but I am bipolar strong. We are going to change the generic symptoms and complications and make them positives for me and hopefully you(the best I can.)
Substance abuse- been there done that.It was prescription. I emerged from it better and more open to share my story.
Legal problems-Knock on wood never arrested/potentially could’ve been legal problems if people weren’t so understanding of my illness.
Financial problems or crises- Chapter 13 bankruptcy. I got the mark on my credit score for the next 7 years to prove it.
Relationship troubles- Yeah every relationship with me is complicated. I’ve learned from this how understanding and open minded can be and how it is important to make sure the RIGHT people are in your life.
Isolation and loneliness-I need this sometimes. I need the isolation as time to sleep and calm down especially when my anxiety feels uncontrollable. There is a difference and stepping away for a minute then completely shutting everyone off but I do think in the right capacity it is healthy for everyone.
Promiscuous behavior- I am fortunate enough to never have this problem.
Poor work or school performance- Please note the 13,000 in student loans and about 12 parts of a degree. I am an almost expert in a lot of subjects. I would always get so pumped up and then mood would change, money would change and I would lose focus or interest and obsess over something new. I am okay with that though because it meant that I got experience in things I never may have otherwise. I also believe that about my jobs too. I’ve done some wild and crazy things good and bad they have all taught me so much especially about myself.
Missed work or school- Yep and I was consistent. It just better proved that my work was understanding and were able to be there for me through the crisis.
Suicidal thoughts or attempts- I can’t even begin to count how many or how often this happened. I can recognize warning signs that may be hard for other people to notice who haven’t been or are use to or know. I see little things that remind me of times when I was bad and I try to help in a way that is benefiting to everyone.
I AM BIPOLAR STRONG!!!!!
CAN YOU TAKE YOUR ILLNESS AND MAKE IT FROM A NEGATIVE TO ANY POSITIVES?