19%

I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

Sorry I’ve been MIA mood swings are a bitch and I am a bit manic at the moment. (This is not part of my daily journal entries.)

I’ve limited myself some to social media also my blog and it is so I don’t irritate everything a little more. The man is back and as I write about him in my journal I draw him as I see him. I did talk about how he looks like slenderman but he doesn’t start that way he grows and depending on how bad things are going he grows quickly and changes shapes which is what he is doing right now. I talked to Tater who thinks I am a bit manic right now, but I don’t think I am. I think the man just wants to come out and scare me. I’ve started watching him not on purpose but he manages to catch my eye and keep my attention. I realize how this sounds as I write it but I don’t know how else to explain what he is doing. I am trying really hard to get through this and I don’t know what to do anymore. Medicine doesn’t make him stop only I can make him stop I think. If I could just focus my mind maybe he will go away. It is the only thing I know. I will call my psychiatrist who will tell me to come see him and we will talk about not giving in and ways to ignore him and how medicine won’t do any good then he will bring up if the man is talking to me inpatient. NO ONE WANTS INPATIENT!!!!! I have to learn how to control him. I have to take control of my illness and especially him.

I am also dealing with the lows and agitation. That is one of the harder parts then the man. I have to be around people who tell me how horrible their life is and how I could never understand what they are going through and that mine is nowhere near as bad as them. I try to never say that to anyone because I know just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there but I hate when people say it to me. I am also limited on talking about it since it makes certain people uncomfortable. There are so many things wrong with my illness and depending where I am it limits my conversations. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it is. I am so tired but I am always tired and the lows suck. I just want to be home sleeping in my bed. I will try to keep you updated with everything as much as I can. Thank you so much for your love time and patience.