Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression


Suicide Letter

TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)


I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me. 


Last Goodbye: Queen | All Things Next


I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

🖤 Day 22🖤 10 favorite songs

This is a fun topic!! I love music so I may pick more than 10 because who only has 10 favorite songs? It definitely isn’t this girl!!!

🖤Hallelujah- If you’ve seen my tattoos you know I have part of the song tattooed on my arm in my handwriting. This song is my anxiety calm down song. I have almost every version of this song I can find on YouTube, Spotify, Facebook. Just where ever I can find it because I think every version is beautiful. Hallelujah holds a great power with me it has helped me put down pill bottles before. It helps with issues of disassociation….it is like medicine but better for you. I think we all have that one song that holds us together and this is my song.

🖤 Mariah Carey- I realize this isn’t a song but it is easier to just say her name then listing everyone of her songs. Mariah got me through my middle school years. I went through so many of her cd’s and tapes. I would listen to it every single day sometimes all day. It was definitely my favorite hiding place.

🖤 Boyz II Men- Do I need to say anything else? It’s fucking Boyz II Men and it can’t get any better than that. I bought II at least 10 times because I wore the CD out. It was perfect for any mood. It solved all of my teenage problems and I still have every single song on Spotify now. If you ever heard their version of “In my life” by The Beatles you would know that they do it better.

🖤 In my life and BlackBird- The Beatles. I don’t like ALL of their songs but these two are definitely my favorite. I used to sing BlackBird to my daughter….(one of the 5 memories I have.) when she was a baby. The Beatles definitely was a good baby soother.

🖤 Let Her Go- Passenger – I know she went from ionic music to this, but this song holds more sentimental value than anything else. This song first came on when I went to the hospital that ended up with the Ativan and started the mental health adventure. This song can go either way. It can help me but it can also be damaging depending on what kind of mood I am in.

🖤 Beautiful Birds- Passenger and Birdy- This is similar to Let Her Go it depends on the mood whether this is good or damaging. The first time I heard this song I was at the place and I spazzed out completely. I was disassociated from everything and they were scared for me to drive anywhere by myself luckily my husband was only a mile down the road so they called to let him know I was on my way to him and then let them know I made it okay. I listened to this song and fell asleep. It was in February so it was extremely cold and his truck didn’t have heat so I curled up in a ball and slept for at least 3 hours while he was working.

🖤 Waiting to Exhale soundtrack- This is just life. My entire middle school and half of my high school years can be summed up by the songs on this soundtrack. Mary J. Blige Not Gon’ Cry when a boy broke up with me I would go in my room put my headphones on and blast this song. This is also when I would start writing trying to let my anger out.

🖤 Whitney Houston- I don’t care what anyone has to say about her personal life which no one has the right to judge because you don’t know the shit she probably dealt with but she could sing. She was in the list of Mariah and Boyz II Men. The first time I heard this soundtrack I was in 6th grade because I remember my great aunt coming down and going to Helen with her, my mom and grandma listening to Count on Me on repeat. I imagined a friend and I singing this song at a talent show. I was just pretending that I knew how to sing.

🖤 Strawberry Wine-Deana Carter- 5th and 6th grade. We had a new girl at school who would end up being my best friend and our clique ran the school. I remember all the sleepovers we would have, hanging out in our friends attic (she had the biggest house out of all us.) We spent so many nights hanging out and talking in the attic. I think of all the fun we had it makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. We had a group that went to “counseling” for some bullshit reason that we made up so we could skip class and hang out together, then she moved. My other close friend skipped a grade so she was at a new school. We listened to this song on repeat and every time I hear it I think about hanging up in the attic together talking about boys, and the future, whatever television show was popular. Those are priceless memories.

🖤 What a wonderful World- Louis Armstrong- I was 13 when I asked my mom for a Louis Armstrong cd. I pronounced his entire name by the way because I thought it sounded cool. I wanted it on vinyl because everything sounds better on Vinyl. I had great taste in music when I was younger. This was during my I take myself too seriously as a writer phase. I used it to help me write because you know I was destined for greatness at an early age.

🖤 Over the Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo’ole- I am almost positive at spelled his name right. This is the best version of this song every made!!! I sang this to my daughter too. I play it every year on her birthday, I can associate memories with music. I can remember things from when I was 5 years old if I hear a song. It is what is saving my brain.

🖤 Rent soundtrack- Rent is incredible the first time I saw it I was 7 month pregnant with my daughter and in a wheelchair because of my back. I was in awe the entire time. I just remember thinking what amazing talent someone had to write this. My dream is to see it on Broadway one day. We saw it last year in the same place and it was better than the first time.