Hey best friend! I know it’s been awhile but we’ve been super busy. We are 5 lbs away from our pre pregnancy weight! It’s okay we had tear in our eyes when we stepped on the scale. This weight is a huge milestone for us. (We say that all the time.) Monkey is in marching band now and her first game got rained out. (Wayne and I had so much fun together that night.) She has her first home game Friday and we will probably cry watching her on the field. She has worked so hard this summer preparing for this. She is excelling in school and even has an honors class this year. She is reading her IEP to learn more and she wants to be involved in the next meeting to express what she feels she needs help with. I’m so proud she wants to be involved.
We went to see the psychiatrist and he put us on a 6 month visit which is a big deal. We remember when it was month to month or less because we were struggling so much. We are lifting right now and are doing good. We graduated from the smith machine to the bench and already lifting 50 lbs. We have created a goal to do one rep at 375 lbs for daddy. I know he is so proud of us right now. We went from avoiding mirrors to looking for one so we can check ourselves out. It was 7 years ago in July that our life changed forever. We are still learning and understanding our illness but now we have more control over it. We are celebrating next month not only because it’s our birthday month but because it’s 4 years sober and since our last overdose attempt. We wake up every morning thankful that God knew our story wasn’t over yet.
We need to finish our workout now but remember I love you!
Hey best friend! This selfie comes from the Old Navy dressing room. The left is us at our heaviest and the right is us now. I know we see these transformations on tiktok and Instagram thinking one day we’ll have one of those not realizing we already had one. The other pictures we aren’t quite ready for but they are coming one day. When we are having bad days we have to remind ourselves this is what 72 lbs looks like. We are down 5 pant sizes and it is ok that we cried in the dressing room at Old Navy when we slid those pants up zipped and button without a struggle. The last time we saw this size we were 19. We’ve been through a lot since then but we aren’t just losing weight we are wiping away the years of fighting our mental illness, overeating and creating an unhealthy relationship with food. We are building confidence and seeing exactly how beautiful we are inside and out. We are finally love ourselves and that’s something no scale could ever measure. Keep pushing and fighting best friend you got this! I love you and I’m so damn proud of you.
Hey best friend! Monkey is 14! I’m so glad we didn’t miss it. It’s ok you spent Saturday morning crying going through baby pictures. It wasn’t only Monkey growing up we saw ourselves grow up and become the best version of ourselves to be her mama. We had so much fun this weekend celebrating with her.
Look at us wearing a sleeveless shirt (it’s too big now!) to the gym showing off that new tattoo.
We wore shorts more than once at the gym and started to feel confident wearing them. It’s the end of the month best friend and we are celebrating non scale victories. We bought real shorts for the first time in at least 12 years and they were a size we haven’t seen in awhile. We had Wayne with us to help encourage us that they looked amazing. (He’s so incredible. We need to be super thankful for him.) We wore a dress for the first time in forever to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We go on vacation soon and those two pieces we ordered will be here this week and we are going to rock them on the beach. I love you and I’m so damn proud of you. You are so beautiful and strong. It isn’t always about the mirror or the scale it’s how much we’ve learned to love ourselves and we’ve come so far. That’s something we had to do on our own. We are getting better about turning every negative thought of ourselves into a positive one. We are just getting started I can’t wait to see what we accomplish but remember baby steps. ♥️
So if you’ve clicked on my blog you’ve probably seen every color possible, different set ups, logos. I took graphic design classes in college but apparently none of it stuck because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to make it look better because I have some important things coming up I want to do so I’m trying to make my blog better but I’m lost. The content will never change but if I can figure out these damn buttons I’ll be happy.
This is a prime example of what happens when you have too much and are also too cheap to let someone else do it but I finally made a logo.
There are conversations you don’t want to have with your child at any age and this is one of them. My daughter is 13 and she made a friend at school but this friends parents will not let her come over to our house and isn’t welcome at theirs because of my illness.
I know right now she is mad at me because of it and if I could change their mind I would but I can’t because they believe it is a sign of the devil and I’m extremely dangerous and unstable. If you are reading this just know I’m not and if for any reason I felt off I would never put my child or anyone else’s child in harms way. I am well aware of my illness and for the most part the signs something maybe happening are obvious not only to me but my daughter and husband as well. It would be easier for me to judge you and call you close minded but I won’t. You are entitled to your beliefs and it isn’t my place to tell you how or what you should believe. I do wish you would take a chance to get to know me and I hope one day you will. I hope one day you express your openness about these things to your children so they can come to you without fear of judgement. I believe in my heart that God never makes mistakes, he makes us in his image and I am who he wants me to be. I know that have followers who have different beliefs and this is in no way me trying to force my religion on someone else but if the parents are reading this I wanted to say that from Christian to Christian.
You have an extremely sweet and caring child from what I’ve heard and they are definitely the kind of people I want my daughter to surround herself with so please let’s use this a time to start a conversation about mental health and how we are no different from everyone else. I will try to explain this to my daughter again but this is her normal so she has a hard time understanding why other people don’t get it. So I wish you well and if you ever want to talk please let me know.
It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.
This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.
I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)
You’ve been begging for it so here is your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you enjoy it. There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and truth but since you feel the need to tell everyone your side here is mine but unlike you I have some class so I won’t use your name, gender or any other telling information. You keep telling on yourself and also people who’ve heard your side will read this and see some truths in the bullshit.
My situation has changed over the last year and now I’m more involved with the community but these same people tell everyone how I’m a horrible person and not to trust me. I don’t know how else to say this because I’ve tried to be polite about it but I’m not anymore. The only way I know how to do this is to bullet point. So let’s go:
• If I could make 2015 not exist I would but I can’t and it’s been 5 years so you need to let this shit go.
• When I wrote about what happened I named you person one. I did not even give you a fucking gender to hide your identity because I knew people from our town could read this. You were person one. If people figured out who you were I can’t do anything about it.
• I’m not silencing myself from what happened to protect your fucking ego. It happened to me and it was a life changing year for me.
• I lied during those 6 months. I don’t know how many more times you want me to say it. I’ve seen snippets of what happened and there are parts that are completely false. I know I lied to you. If I tried to tell the truth to you now I know you won’t believe me.
• I was an addict. That’s never an excuse to do what I did. My addiction screwed up so many relationships and ruined trust with other people. I never actually sobered up until 2017. It took me two additional years after everything that happened to sober up. My addiction wasn’t a lie it was the truth. My old job, my best friend both in and out of state but mostly my husband and daughter can confirm this.
• I’ve learned to handle the guilt that came with everything I did. The scars I’ve left on my daughter emotionally and mentally. All the times I drove high knowing that I could have killed an innocent person. Using people for attention including a chat room geared towards people with illnesses that made them vulnerable to the hell I put them through.
• You are basing my character on 6 months. You knew nothing about me before then we never spoke until everything happened. I just want you to know that addicts change when they sober up and had you ever bothered to get to know me you would know I am a completely different person than you make me out to be. I’m not this horrible monster that destroys lives. It is really sad that you can’t even be a decent person.
• You have Pinterest about me and it is hilarious. Did I show sociopath and narcissist traits? Absolutely I did but I feel like we need to keep referring to addiction and if you are “licensed counselor” you claimed to be you would know that. Addicts will do any and everything to get their way and what they want.
• I hurt your ego. You thought you were an expert but surprise you aren’t and you were never qualified to handle someone with my illness. You need to leave that to the experts. I showed you that you don’t know a quarter of what you say you do. I had to correct you on several different disorders because you were stating false and ignorant information. You have a problem with pride and you need to work on that.
• My psychiatrist and therapist didn’t like or trust you. They felt like you were using me to build yourself up to be something you weren’t and as someone who isn’t licensed or trained you were completely out of your element with me they said and I quote, “I am worried that person one will hurt the progress we’ve made and cause you to take steps backwards. They are more likely to hinder your treatment than help it.” end quote. They felt you were inexperienced and as my therapist stated, “Googling as you go to guess the next step.”
• You knew I was suicidal on several different occasions but didn’t alert anyone. You thought I was doing it for attention. (I have the screenshot.)
• If you were a real therapist you know that you aren’t suppose to share any of my information unless it put me or someone else in danger. (See previous reference.) If I was high and told you that you could tell a specific person you should’ve known not to anyway. You showed them very secretive things that I don’t share with people and then let them use it against me because you thought I was a horrible person. (Those are your words.)
• You deleted parts of our conversations to protect yourself. I know you did and you showed me where you did but you wanted to blame me for EVERYTHING and played the victim saying I was just using, manipulating and trying to control your life. Did I have fault in this absolutely but you never took any ownership that you did too. It was easier and safer to blame everything on me that way when someone particular found out you could dictate your own narrative. You played the victim so well you deserve an Oscar for your performance. I owned up to my shit multiple times but you’ve never owned up to any wrong doing during the situation.
• I NEVER told your personal stories to anyone. I felt like if it happened during a private session it was between us. You told me personal stories about your family and yourself but again I have class and some respect for you so I don’t and will never say anything. My business was spread so far I am better off posting it on Facebook. You’re lack of human decency and class is disappointing.
• You still won’t look at me or speak to me neither will others in your family. If you need to ask a question you ask my husband to ask me. Read that again to tell me how STUPID and CHILDISH that sounds. I know it was bad but come on we are adults and you are older than me. You have the audacity to call me names when you need to reflect on yourself and your family.
• Do not come at me after you read this. If you ask my husband if I will have a sit down conversation (you know since you are a little bitch and don’t have the balls to speak to me directly. Maybe that is a little harsh.) I am going to tell him to let you know to go fuck yourself. You’ve had 5 fucking years and have done nothing but drag my name I don’t owe you a minute of my time. I apologized for my part in what happened whether you accept it or not is up to you. If you wait until I speak publicly about this (again even though I have not once said who you are. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME.) to address the only thing you are obviously concerned about is your reputation but it is trash anyway and that has nothing to do with me. You did that to yourself.
• On a funnier note I am not stalking you. I blocked your number, email, on all social media platforms and I’ve had zero contact with you since it happened. The only time I see you is in public but I don’t speak so I don’t know why you think I care what you are doing but I don’t just keep my name out of your mouth. That is all I need you to do and asked for.
I bet this didn’t go the way you thought it would. Enjoy these 15 seconds of fame I know you like to feel important even though you aren’t.
Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case. I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand?
TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.