Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression

 

19%

I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

Grateful Challenge Day 18- Bay window/Something in home

This is the bay window in our house. I love this window it signifies all the major changes in our life. We lived in a house that was free and my family owned which was great while we were getting our lives together and going through some major changes but in 2013 we decided we needed a change and moved into a condo that was way over our budget because we needed separation from everyone while we got the rest of our lives together. Our money situation was horrible. My husband and I weren’t used to rent. The last time we paid rent was in 2005 so it was relearning the process all over again. We wanted to buy a house, a house that was ours and no matter what we did it would stay ours forever. If you’ve ever tried to go through the process of buying a house you know how long and drawn out it is. We went through this process in 2005 as well while we were living in Athens and after paying for all the inspections and everything else the real estate agent made us do we could never get the loan. When we went to Bank of America this evil bitch made a joke about us going to Habitat for a house because it would be the only way we would be able to get one. Our credit wasn’t great; we weren’t really taught about credit or building your credit to buy anything. We had credit cards that were past due, over limit, and when we didn’t have money we just kind of said. “Fuck it.” This are definitely things we will teach our daughter, but we had to go through a ton of bad decisions to finally make a good one. The house we currently live in was a foreclosure and through some special circumstances we were able to move into this house. (We had a lot of help from family.) This house isn’t huge but for our small family it is perfect. We were able to make some improvements to this house and are continually finding ways to make it better.