I don’t like to be alone for long periods of time especially in the evenings. There was a time during the summer my schedule was messed up and I was at home by myself after I took my meds and swore I heard someone on the back porch and freaked out. I called 911 and there wasn’t anyone there not even a sign anyone had ever been there. That is just one of the many cases of situations of me being by myself at least that time I wasn’t high. I’ve learned over times how to communicate these issues and healthy ways to be by myself in a healthier manner than before. 
Tag: medication
Grateful Challenge 10 The book that changed my mindset
I don’t like to read. I feel like I never have time and if I’m not interested about 10 pages in I stop reading it. These are odd words coming from someone who dreams of being an author. There is a large number of books I’ve read and of course the classics we were made to read in school. I will say that most of them required a lot of grit your teeth and make it through enough to sort of pass the test. If you have enough for context clues you can figure it out. This theory actually worked 95.2134 percent of the time. The one time it didn’t work and would never work is Greek Mythology. The only reason I passed any of those test is because I studied 15 minutes before the test and memorized it. (I use to have a kick ass memory.)
Now for this book. I am currently not in the mandatory therapy I am supposed to be in nor do I like self help books but this book made me feel better about every bad decision and all the issues I’ve gone through. Girl, Wash Your Face is not exactly a self help book but more like yeah I did that and the reason made sense but it is possible for me to change those habits. She doesn’t try to tell you how everything you’ve done in your life up to this point is okay because we can change. Our life isn’t over it can reset when we need it to and we can make the decision to change the path we are on. It is because of this that I started this blog and a little over 2 months later my success is incredible and it at or seem like much but to me it is a BUG DEAL!!
The man you didn’t have to be.
This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.
Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.
5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!! 
Beautiful Souls
What do you think would happen if we wore our illness like a cloak or a badge of honor. We show our scars for the battles we’ve won and lost but in all of this we show our strength. What if through our cloaks the inner beauty of our souls shone from within? Our illnesses became a window into the amazing people we are and how our differences make the world beautiful. This would also be our ability to show people how we view the world not for them to understand because we don’t want understanding but just how unique and beautiful we are. We are incredible people with depth and a deep understanding for the little victories. I love you and you are beautiful. 🖤 Beautiful Souls
Grateful Day 7 – It is little luxuries
This one was hard because I’m not a bragging person. I don’t like materialistic people or trying to impress anyone I just like small things that help me with everything. I guess if I had to pick a luxury I would say pens…..yes pens.
I know out of everything in the world I could think of with all of the electronics and things we have to make our lives simple I chose pens. You can’t replace a good pen especially a sharpie. This could just be the writer in me that always has a pen and paper no matter where I am. I know I could use my phone to keep up with ideas but I prefer to write them down. This picture is my current collection I keep in my purse. I use certain ones for different things but you just can’t beat a good ink pen. In school I loved to doodle and I listened better when I was doing something else like doodling. I remember one time a teacher went over this huge section about World War II and I drew smiley faces, peace signs and my name in bubbles, she got so mad and told me I wasn’t listening to a word she said until I repeated it all back to her in my own words everything she had said for the last twenty minutes she was speechless and I went back to drawing. I usually have to have multiple things happening to focus better. I was told that this is because of some part of my illness (it all blurs together). I still doodle and half ass listen to people but I’m smart so I can surprise people with how much I actually comprehended.
Grateful Day 6 – A random memory that makes me smile
So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.
AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)
This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.
For one year:
I was sober.
I stopped drinking soft drinks
I stopped self medicating
I found a healthier outlet for my problems
I wasn’t suicidal
I learned how not to be selfish
I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.
Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.
I finally let go and let God.
I learned how to love myself. 🖤
I learned I am worth it.
I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.
Cami wants to be with me.
She doesn’t worry as much
I let go of toxic people.
I learned boundaries.
I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.
I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.
I raised $667 😮😃
I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)
I have a fairly large Instagram following.
People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.
I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.
My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.
🖤Forever a fighter🖤
They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it. 
Grateful Day 4 It is the little things- a Trinket
This was my great grandmothers necklace. She gave this to me when she passed away and at the time I wasn’t a believer so I threw it in a jewelry box, never thought about it again until 2015 when my life turned to a complete rock bottom I didn’t know how to get myself out of. I found this right before I was baptized and wore it when I was baptized. It now holds great meaning to me. I found my way back in my life when I needed it most. It is something that I can’t wait to pass down to my daughter.
Photo Day 2- Eat me up buttercup – a look at my breakfast!
This again is from the walk. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I quickly learned they don’t have a great breakfast options besides donuts. I ordered a bacon egg and cheese bagel without the egg. I can’t eat eggs like that it tears my stomach up every time. The bagel was a little crispy and there were burnt pieces on my hash browns but it was enough to tide me over until we went and ate lunch/dinner. I wouldn’t recommend breakfast there ever. 
Grateful Day 1 a My absolute favorite person
I’ve told everyone before that I won’t really show any pictures of my daughter so here is a picture of her without a face. I bought her that shirt at the event. I never thought I could loves someone as much as I love her. She cried as we held up our beads with pride on Sunday.
She makes me proud and I love everything about her but I’m amazed through everything she is a good person and that’s all I ask for.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 