Sometimes it be like that when I’m not here as much as I should be and I shouldn’t do anymore of these damn challenges because it pisses me off. I have a bunch of catch up blogs I’m working on just bear with me. I’ll be back in action.
Tag: mental health week
Photo Day19 my organization
All of my pictures and post are very loosely based on the actual post. This is my list of blog posts that I don’t finish most of the time kind of like this challenge I’m rushing to finish because today is the 30th and I still have 23 more to go which I won’t finish tonight and will have to tomorrow which is the first and it kind of sucks.
Photo Day 18 my book….again
Here is a picture of me working on my book. I am always working on my book. I have a ton of pictures like this and absolutely no book to show for it…go figure. All I know is this book will be a masterpiece when I’m finished. Hopefully the next time I talk about the book it will actually be finished.
🖤 Weekly Update 9 🖤
Here it goes:
– I have no diet…. It has completely fallen apart like my moods and everything else around me. The only thing I can say is considered to be losing weight is the fact my anxiety is so bad I’m not hungry and have bubble guts all the time.
-No soda- I had water almost our entire trip (besides orange and cranberry juice. Lemonade, and Gatorade. I have this usual give up when we go on vacation because it is my cheat time, but I didn’t this time. YAY!!!!!
-I have felt so horrible with all the new meds added and then upping my dosage but nothing has changed.
– I am really starting to research hypnotherapy or something like it. All of my dreams follow around the same building and I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with what happened to me or anything else I can remember. This store closed when I was maybe 17.
-We went on vacation and then a day trip this week. I will blame it on that as to why I haven’t posted but it is just because my brain doesn’t work right lately.
-I am trying to make myself write something everyday even if it isn’t important or no way related to my blog.
-I am done with the challenges for awhile after this month. It is too much to keep up with and I feel like it is taking away from the other purposes of this blog. I will however, finish these challenges even if it makes my brain explode.
-I am making a list of mental health related blog topics.
– I am currently obsessed with the game Choices on my phone. It is like my alternate reality. I keep tagging them on Instagram hoping to get a sponsored add.
– If you don’t already please follow my Instagram I update it regularly.
-It is almost the holiday season and with that comes family entertainment which is never a dull moment.
-My dream is to have blogs set up to automatically post. (This is a big dream I will eventually accomplish.)
-I am currently obsessed with The Office and binge watching it on Netflix makes me happy.
-Thank you to everyone who is being patient with me through this time. I have a good content coming soon.
-My book is still where I left it. I want to work on everything but I feel like my brain will explode soon.
Until next week
Photo Day 16 A genuine smile
I love this picture mostly because it is genuine and it is the only genuine smile I ever had in years. This picture coincidentally happened in 2015 when everything in my life went to shit. (see previous posts) This was right after the overdose before my baptism, exorcism and medical induced manic, schizophrenic, paranoid episodes. This was before I hit a new level of rock bottom. I was happy right there. I thought I was making everything better but rock bottom came after. 
Grateful Day 16- An animal (Talking Parrot that won’t talk to me)
When we made an impromptu trip to the beach we stopped at a small souvenir shop and as we were browsing through the sand dollars I heard a squawking and then a hello. My husband turned around and said, “Holy Shit it talks,” We went over and he said hello but then when I turned the camera on of course it stopped talking. I kept repeating myself over and over again and it started flapping its wings and putting his rear end in my face. I thought he was absolutely beautiful and there were a list of things he could say and some swears were on there. He was 22 years old and his name was Bubba. I’ve never really seen a talking parrot before and it was kind of cool.
Photo Day 12 Buttoned
I thought about this for awhile it is hard to figure out what I should use for buttoned. There are so many options but I picked this shirt because it is my favorite. I don’t know about others but there is something about my husband’s shirts that is so intriguing, maybe it is his scent even after the shirt is washed I can still smell it. I like wear his shirts he feels close to me especially when he is at work and I start to feel bad. I had a bad dream one night that he passed away and before he went I kept trying to get to him but I couldn’t and when I finally reached him he was ready to say goodbye and he handed me his wallet and keys then drifting away. I sat crying holding one is his shirts inhaling his scent begging for him to come back. I don’t like those dreams when my husband dies it scares me.
Grateful Day 12 – Appliance (I realize my router isn’t actually an appliance) 1st amendment and stigma on mental health
Where would be without the internet? I would actually have to pitch this blog to newspapers or publishers for you guys to read it but also I would be limited on what I could say. A big misconception is the 1st amendment which gives us “freedom” of speech that is unless what you are saying offends enough people the you aren’t allowed to say it anymore. The up/downside to the internet is we get to say anything we want. The biggest problem being the most ignorant people talk the loudest. We want to end the stigma on mental health but there are so many people especially celebrities that don’t know what it means for people who are not rich with unlimited resources to deal with our illness. For every one decent person out there spreading the word there are 2343 more discrediting what we say. We have a platform to help people understand us we need to be open to their questions and stop these ignorant jackasses. That is my spill for this topic. What do you think?
Beautiful Souls
What do you think would happen if we wore our illness like a cloak or a badge of honor. We show our scars for the battles we’ve won and lost but in all of this we show our strength. What if through our cloaks the inner beauty of our souls shone from within? Our illnesses became a window into the amazing people we are and how our differences make the world beautiful. This would also be our ability to show people how we view the world not for them to understand because we don’t want understanding but just how unique and beautiful we are. We are incredible people with depth and a deep understanding for the little victories. I love you and you are beautiful. 🖤 Beautiful Souls
🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried
The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.
Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.
This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 