Tag: moodswings

🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤

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As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.

🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.

🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.

🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.

🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy

🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.

🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.

🖤Day 8🖤 Self Esteem boosters as a child. Old photos of me

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I put a copyright on these pictures like you might steal them. There are two old photos of me. One when I was a year old and the other with my high school ❤️. I remember growing up I was always skinny until I hit puberty then I plumped out. I had a pair of shorts that I could fit in from the time I was 3 until I was 8. Whenever my family from out of town came in they would ask, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Or “I bet all the boys are chasing after you. You are so pretty you should be a model.” This boosted my self esteem but had the opposite affect on my sister. I can also remember the first time my mom bought me a “big girl two piece” the bikinis with the shorts and padding on the top that made your boobs look good. I was probably 12 or 13 and my sister told me I was disgusting and looked like a cow. We went on vacation places and all the boys would stare and flirt with me the same when I went to summer camp. I was one of those girls who always had a “boyfriend” at camp. I was vain growing up because I knew I was pretty until I gained weight and then that went away and my self esteem once at a peak bottomed out. I couldn’t be fat. I always associated fat with ugly. I would say things to my friends like, “big boned, muscular, or just bloating from PMS. I had “boyfriends” in high school but it was just to justify to myself that even though I was bigger that I was still pretty. I started a dangerous diet in 9th grade that my mom caught before it got worse. Now I’m 34 plus size and will tell you that I am beautiful and may mean it 53% of the time.

My daughter looks like me when I was younger except with the prettiest head of red hair. I try to explain to her that she will marry and a good person and not focus on her looks because so many people do and she is gorgeous, but I don’t want her to feel like she needs someone especially a man to validate her worth. If she does find someone I hope they are like her dad who will tell you I’m beautiful but that isn’t why he fell in love with me. He can tell you what it is about me (personality, passion etc..) as to why he loves me. Sometimes I still need validation but I know he adores me and I hope my daughter will find that with someone.

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🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤

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I am a day behind on my weekly updates!

🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.

🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.

🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.

🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.

🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.

🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.

🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.

🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.

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🖤Day 7🖤 10 favorite foods

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I know I should’ve posted this yesterday but I wasn’t feeling great. (I will talk about that in a different post)

My 10 favorite foods: I am going to try and not repeat the foods with different names.

🖤 Italian Deli Meats- Pancetta, Prosciutto, hard Salami, Pepperoni to name a few and I can eat them without bread or cheese just straight out of the bag while I’m watching tv or writing.

🖤 Cheese- Smoked Gouda, Havart (with dill), Gorgonzola, Brie, Blue Cheese….the list goes on I can also just eat these by themselves no extra effort needed.

🖤 Pizza- I could live off of pizzas if I knew I wouldn’t become severely overweight. I love any and all kinds except Hawaiian (never cares for pineapples) I can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting…. great now I want pizza.

🖤Cucumbers- Is there ever a bad time for cucumbers? I can go to the store and buy 5 or 6 of them and they may last two days. If I want to get creative I will take those, olives (next on my list) my deli meats and some cheeses to make an epic bowl of goodness.

🖤 Olives (black olives) I can eat them by themselves I like the green but prefer black olives. There is something about the tanginess and a bit bitter that I enjoy so much.

🖤 chocolate mint- Any and everything chocolate mint tastes so good. I prefer it with dark chocolate (the Hershey bars) but you can’t go wrong with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is one of the few sweet foods I like

🖤 Steak- If I have extra money and want to go big balling I will buy steak. I will my steak still bleeding but not mooing. Filet tips are my favorite mix it in with a good sauce and sauté some mushrooms. It doesn’t get much better than that.

🖤 Risotto- Rosemary Brie from my favorite restaurant or any other kind I’m not picky. I wish I had the patience to make it, but I don’t so I just buy it from people who do. If you’ve never tried Risotto I would recommend it.

🖤 Pasta- Can you go wrong with a good lasagna some tortellinis filled with spinach. The answer is no you can’t go wrong with any type of pasta.

🖤Slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I’m not not fond of sweets. I, however LOVE slim Jim’s, almost every type of jerky.

These list are hard to do.

AFSP- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Out of the Darkness walk

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This year is my 3rd year doing the AFSP walk. I work around as a survivor but I see all of these people with pins, shirts, balloons in remembrance of someone who died by suicide as early as a month before the walk. You wonder what you did differently why did you survive it, medically I should’ve died on several different occasions but I am still here fighting. I’ve walked up to random people and just hugged them, because I feel their pain. I walk every year as a proof that dammit I did it. I make promises to people that I will be able to walk and leave my mark on this world somehow even if it is just talking to you guys. You can go to AFSP website sign up for a walk in your area or volunteer our voices will make the biggest differences.

My current medication regimen- popping pills like a pro

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I have a long list of medications and if you’ve ever been diagnosed you know that finding the exact right combination of pills is sometimes similar as looking for a 4 leaf clover. Medication process if you are a lucky unicorn is painless, but it wasn’t that way for me. I made a list one time of all the medication I’ve been on not including the dosage changes. I found an amazing psychiatrist who talks to me about things going on in my life, mood changes, current feelings and between him and the nurse in the office they take great care of me. I think if your psychiatrist can tell when you are completely full of shit and lying for pills, to the times you aren’t being completely honest to avoid the hospital and he always can. My insurance won’t cover him which is tough sometimes but I don’t mind because he is worth it! He and I have an agreement I will try and be 100% honest and if he think psych is necessary we will discuss it in great detail before the decision is made. (In 2015 that wasn’t always the case.)

My medication at this very moment looks like this: Lamictal 400 mg – btw when they put you on Lamictal and tell you if you develop a rash to go straight to the ER because of what it can turn into is terrifying. Seroquel – 600 mg an antipsychotic but also helps me sleep, most of the time. Restoril- to help some with nightmares. I am so good at meds that I can tell you what most of them are and what they are used for. I can also tell you about any reactions from mixing the medication. I also know their government and brand names. I also have Nuvigil which I never take because it makes me feel weird sometimes I feel like a zombie and numb other times I feel nothing at all it just depends on what is going on. I take my medicine at 7:30 every night like clockwork. The alarm is set on my phone and I make sure I have it. I can’t skip or take less then prescribed. I know at some point my meds will have to be adjusted but I think I can handle it now. A word of advice NEVER STOP TAKING YOUR PILLS COLD TURKEY YOU IT CAN CAUSE A LOT OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!!!!

Funny story- CVS handles my prescriptions because I have Caremark and if I ever have to go inside none of them want to talk to me. Why are you asking me what the generic name is and why are you asking me if you can fill it a day early? I don’t know can you fill it a day early? I don’t work in the pharmacy also when they call my prescription in (the office is an hour away from CVS) and they make it a point to tell me who they spoke with and when I get there and they say, “No one called us. We need to call them and confirm.” “No she just talked to you.” “It wasn’t me” “Yes it was I heard you say your name.” This will continue for a few minutes until the pharmacist comes over and tells me I’m wrong and then realizes I am right. There was also this woman, she didn’t last very long, would tell everyone “Wow that is a lot of medicine.” Yeah you really shouldn’t say that to people. I think she lasted a month and they fired her.

So this is my medicine story, What is yours?

🖤

Open Mic Night 2018

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This year I wanted to do something different to raise money for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. This year is my third year and I am so excited! I normally go on Facebook and give people long winded stories on why suicide prevention is so important and the hotline number. The plus side to all of this are the people who come up to me and feel comfortable enough to tell me their story. I want that communication with everyone, the event started out as an original content only but quickly changed to bring more people in. I tried selling tickets online (which if you do this please check the websites credibility first. You live and you learn. I managed to raise $500 in one night. $500 I had cozies (I still have some if anyone is interested) and charged $7.50 a ticket with free food. I was hoping for $200 and when we got the final total I cried. I cried for so many reasons but mostly I cried because in a little over 2 hours we educated over 50 people about suicide and mental health. If you are able to reach one person you are successful.

I got up and told my story. I don’t do well in front of people and not fond of eye contact so I stared at the mic and probably talked a little too fast but when I said “I tried to die by suicide a year ago on 9/27/18. It was like all the was sucked out of the room. I could feel the eyes staring through me and I knew this was it, the time I wanted so bad and even though I seem very comfortable discussing my illness on social media saying it out loud was a completely different story. I never told the true story on my Facebook page but when I finished and walked away from the mic still shaking I was met with hugs, I love you’s, I didn’t know how bad it was, and please call me if you ever need anything. It was more support I expected but I welcomed it all. I never thought my words could have so much power. Which is why I started this blog and these social media sites, I wanted to spread my word and make a difference. I would quote Gandhi but his views about rape make me question his morales. I have attached some pics of the open night mic cozies and my centerpieces that turned out beautiful.

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🖤Day 6 🖤 3 Personality Traits I am proud of (This feels like one of those worksheets your therapist make you do)

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3 personality traits I am proud of… this requires a semi optimistic view of yourself, this is not one of my stronger traits. I’ve spent all day thinking about this and I’ve come up with the following: (I googled this for some inspiration and realized they are just adjectives)

1.) Passionate- This would probably be my #1 choice. I am extremely passionate as you can tell by my post. I believe that we can make a huge difference in the world if we are all open and honest about where we’ve been. I absolutely love all of us weirdos and have determined that the more comfortable we are to tell our stories the bigger difference we can make. I also want to help people who aren’t ready to tell their stories. I want you to know that no matter we our community stands by and supports all of your decisions (the positive ones not anything that would cause harm to yourself or anyone else.) We will change the world!!!

2.) Resourceful- Anyone that knows me will tell you I am one of the most resourceful person they know. I can make anything happen just give me 2 hours. I know ways around bills, rules and sometimes laws. I’ve unfortunately been through some severe circumstances but I don’t regret them. It wouldn’t make me the person I was without it. If you can put gas in 2 trucks, pay a partial light bill that is 4 months late and they are about to turn it off, water bill that is on the cut off list with only $200 in less than an hour. I also believe this has something to do with how poor you are growing up I think being poor you learn from your parents how to survive the struggle. I am thankful that these situations aren’t as common before but I always keep these options in my back pocket.

3.) Extraordinary- We all have this trait it doesn’t matter what you are going through you are an extraordinary person. You walk around with this Black Plague that can engulf you and you do it. No matter how hard it is you try, even when your trying feels unbearable. You do it for yourself, you family, your children and sometimes when we feel we can’t anymore we are still extraordinary because we lived a life that some people couldn’t handle in a day. You are extraordinary and you are a beautiful soul. You got this shit and fuck people who say you can’t do it.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

Physical symptoms of my illness.

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We all have them and they differ even with similar diagnosis.

In the last 3 years I’ve had 6 teeth pulled and I have a partial denture for 5 of them. They are my front teeth. My teeth decayed from years of not brushing them or going to the dentist. I physically could not do it. If you are reading this and not understand how that is possible deal with untreated depression. The things you are not capable of doing is a mile long. I could go for weeks sometimes months without showering, I still don’t think it is disgusting I just say it is depression. I never washed my clothes unless my husband did laundry and even then I would wear the same clothes for days sometimes weeks at a time no deodorant or freshening up. I just didn’t care. I would cut clumps of my hair out because it was so matted you couldn’t brush it. My weight verified depending on how things were. I would either gain a lot of weight from overeating or lose 20 pounds or more from not eating. I never slept in the same bed as my husband it was always on the couch for some bullshit excuse but the reason was simple. I hated me and I treated my body like it was a garbage because I was garbage. I didn’t love myself and I stayed like this for a long time. I had a job at the bank and they tried in so many different ways to tell me that I smelled and bought me little gifts of lotions, sprays, and body wash. My boss was a Miranda Priestly (which is a completely different topic.) I would forget to iron my clothes, my hair was always greasy. My husband and I would get into screaming matches over my personal hygiene. These are moments I am not proud of. I have scars all over me from picking (which I still do) the inside of my lips and my cheeks are covered in scars and tender spots from biting them so much. I think we don’t talk enough about our physical symptoms with our illness. I have and known people to have crippling migraines, cationic (It’s been years since the last time it happened to me.) alopecia, pneumonia the list goes on and on. The symptoms of our mental illness start to go down it turns physical. Please tell your story.

We notice them now, the physical symptoms and we try to take control over them before it gets worse.

🖤Day 5🖤 Guilty pleasures… yeah I hope you take me seriously after this one.

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Guilty pleasures: Yay for a funny post. I plan on doing a couple of these today.

1.) YouTube- I know everyone watches YouTube but I only watch a few people for the drama and pure entertainment. The more popular channels with the good drama. I follow those and will start following all of the videos to keep up.

2.) slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I can eat them all day long. They aren’t good for you but anytime I can get them I inhale them.

3.) Movies- There will be a separate post about this but I’m not allowed to watch certain movies because of triggers. When no one is around I will spend all day watching them. I know they are bad for me, but I love them.

4.) Dirty videos and websites- Do I really need to say what it is and go into further detail. Yep

5.) Music- Some of these new “artist” with their weird music and 15 minutes of fame. I love their music and jam out in my car to it. EVERYDAY! (That is a Spotify playlist you can’t see.)

I don’t believe in name dropping in my blogs for more views except that stupid bitch on E! who said anxiety wasn’t real. I took her picture from the TV and made in impulse post. I probably have more guilty pleasures I can’t think of right now.