Truths for my daughter

There are conversations you don’t want to have with your child at any age and this is one of them. My daughter is 13 and she made a friend at school but this friends parents will not let her come over to our house and isn’t welcome at theirs because of my illness.

I know right now she is mad at me because of it and if I could change their mind I would but I can’t because they believe it is a sign of the devil and I’m extremely dangerous and unstable. If you are reading this just know I’m not and if for any reason I felt off I would never put my child or anyone else’s child in harms way. I am well aware of my illness and for the most part the signs something maybe happening are obvious not only to me but my daughter and husband as well. It would be easier for me to judge you and call you close minded but I won’t. You are entitled to your beliefs and it isn’t my place to tell you how or what you should believe. I do wish you would take a chance to get to know me and I hope one day you will. I hope one day you express your openness about these things to your children so they can come to you without fear of judgement. I believe in my heart that God never makes mistakes, he makes us in his image and I am who he wants me to be. I know that have followers who have different beliefs and this is in no way me trying to force my religion on someone else but if the parents are reading this I wanted to say that from Christian to Christian.

You have an extremely sweet and caring child from what I’ve heard and they are definitely the kind of people I want my daughter to surround herself with so please let’s use this a time to start a conversation about mental health and how we are no different from everyone else. I will try to explain this to my daughter again but this is her normal so she has a hard time understanding why other people don’t get it. So I wish you well and if you ever want to talk please let me know.

6 month checkup

It was time for my 6 month checkup. I take great pride in knowing that I’m on 6 month visits that means I’m doing something right. This time I wasn’t as tense as normal though I know the conversations we were having are kind of hard. My psychiatrist and I have an agreement that I can be 100% honest with him and his first reaction is not to throw me in a hospital. It is because of this I feel like I can communicate openly with him. His office has this amazing nurse that takes my blood pressure and then asks me the general question how is everything going which means let it all out and I do we talk about moods and other issues that are going on. I feel very fortunate to be able to speak freely with them. We discussed my suicide ideation issues and mood swings that come along with the new job.

This is also when I was open about leaving my old job and even though I wanted to go to have something more stable and to get away from an environment that wasn’t always the healthiest for me. I allowed myself to become consumed by all the negative things/people around me it was my own fault but I couldn’t control myself and because of this it was toxic. I was enabled and was the enabler to too many people and if any of you are reading this now I am sorry. We also discussed the whole situation with my husband and he was a little disappointed when I didn’t call the office. (I call his office when ANYTHING happens including non psychological issues.) He had there was probably something temporary they could’ve done to ease it out but I think it needed to be hard and I needed someone to push me back and put me in my place. He understood that and we also discussed no matter mood swings happen it’s just how you cope with them.

I’m glad to be on the 6 month cycle after years of every month, every three months or in some cases every 3 weeks. (That was mostly during my addiction and constant overdosing.)

I’ll be the villain

 You’ve been begging for it so here is your 15 seconds of fame. I hope you enjoy it. There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and truth but since you feel the need to tell everyone your side here is mine but unlike you I have some class so I won’t use your name, gender or any other telling information. You keep telling on yourself and also people who’ve heard your side will read this and see some truths in the bullshit.

My situation has changed over the last year and now I’m more involved with the community but these same people tell everyone how I’m a horrible person and not to trust me.  I don’t know how else to say this because I’ve tried to be polite about it but I’m not anymore. The only way I know how to do this is to bullet point. So let’s go:

• If I could make 2015 not exist I would but I can’t and it’s been 5 years so you need to let this shit go.

• When I wrote about what happened I named you person one. I did not even give you a fucking gender to hide your identity because I knew people from our town could read this. You were person one. If people figured out who you were I can’t do anything about it.

• I’m not silencing myself from what happened to protect your fucking ego. It happened to me and it was a life changing year for me.

• I lied during those 6 months. I don’t know how many more times you want me to say it. I’ve seen snippets of what happened and there are parts that are completely false. I know I lied to you. If I tried to tell the truth to you now I know you won’t believe me.

• I was an addict. That’s never an excuse to do what I did. My addiction screwed up so many relationships and ruined trust with other people. I never actually sobered up until 2017. It took me two additional years after everything that happened to sober up. My addiction wasn’t a lie it was the truth. My old job, my best friend both in and out of state but mostly my husband and daughter can confirm this.

• I’ve learned to handle the guilt that came with everything I did. The scars I’ve left on my daughter emotionally and mentally. All the times I drove high knowing that I could have killed an innocent person. Using people for attention including a chat room geared towards people with illnesses that made them vulnerable to the hell I put them through.

• You are basing my character on 6 months. You knew nothing about me before then we never spoke until everything happened. I just want you to know that addicts change when they sober up and had you ever bothered to get to know me you would know I am a completely different person than you make me out to be. I’m not this horrible monster that destroys lives. It is really sad that you can’t even be a decent person.

• You have Pinterest about me and it is hilarious. Did I show sociopath and narcissist traits? Absolutely I did but I feel like we need to keep referring to addiction and if you are “licensed counselor” you claimed to be you would know that. Addicts will do any and everything to get their way and what they want.

• I hurt your ego. You thought you were an expert but surprise you aren’t and you were never qualified to handle someone with my illness. You need to leave that to the experts. I showed you that you don’t know a quarter of what you say you do. I had to correct you on several different disorders because you were stating false and ignorant information. You have a problem with pride and you need to work on that.

• My psychiatrist and therapist didn’t like or trust you. They felt like you were using me to build yourself up to be something you weren’t and as someone who isn’t licensed or trained you were completely out of your element with me they said and I quote, “I am worried that person one will hurt the progress we’ve made and cause you to take steps backwards. They are more likely to hinder your treatment than help it.” end quote. They felt you were inexperienced and as my therapist stated, “Googling as you go to guess the next step.”

• You knew I was suicidal on several different occasions but didn’t alert anyone. You thought I was doing it for attention. (I have the screenshot.)

• If you were a real therapist you know that you aren’t suppose to share any of my information unless it put me or someone else in danger. (See previous reference.) If I was high and told you that you could tell a specific person you should’ve known not to anyway. You showed them very secretive things that I don’t share with people and then let them use it against me because you thought I was a horrible person. (Those are your words.)

• You deleted parts of our conversations to protect yourself. I know you did and you showed me where you did but you wanted to blame me for EVERYTHING and played the victim saying I was just using, manipulating and trying to control your life. Did I have fault in this absolutely but you never took any ownership that you did too. It was easier and safer to blame everything on me that way when someone particular found out you could dictate your own narrative. You played the victim so well you deserve an Oscar for your performance. I owned up to my shit multiple times but you’ve never owned up to any wrong doing during the situation.

• I NEVER told your personal stories to anyone. I felt like if it happened during a private session it was between us. You told me personal stories about your family and yourself but again I have class and some respect for you so I don’t and will never say anything. My business was spread so far I am better off posting it on Facebook. You’re lack of human decency and class is disappointing.

• You still won’t look at me or speak to me neither will others in your family. If you need to ask a question you ask my husband to ask me. Read that again to tell me how STUPID and CHILDISH that sounds. I know it was bad but come on we are adults and you are older than me. You have the audacity to call me names when you need to reflect on yourself and your family. 

• Do not come at me after you read this. If you ask my husband if I will have a sit down conversation (you know since you are a little bitch and don’t have the balls to speak to me directly. Maybe that is a little harsh.) I am going to tell him to let you know to go fuck yourself. You’ve had 5 fucking years and have done nothing but drag my name I don’t owe you a minute of my time. I apologized for my part in what happened whether you accept it or not is up to you. If you wait until I speak publicly about this (again even though I have not once said who you are. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. TIME.) to address the only thing you are obviously concerned about is your reputation but it is trash anyway and that has nothing to do with me. You did that to yourself.

• On a funnier note I am not stalking you. I blocked your number, email, on all social media platforms and I’ve had zero contact with you since it happened. The only time I see you is in public but I don’t speak so I don’t know why you think I care what you are doing but I don’t just keep my name out of your mouth. That is all I need you to do and asked for.

I bet this didn’t go the way you thought it would. Enjoy these 15 seconds of fame I know you like to feel important even though you aren’t. 

Mending what’s broken

If family and friends are reading this, please stop here because I’m going into adult content, I would rather not know you read or if you do please don’t discuss it with me. Please don’t read it just scroll on to the next post.
This has been requested be several people for an update on what’s going on, but I’ve not really been up to writing a response. I’ve focused my attention on repairing what I broke. I think I’ve fixed it well some of it. He and I have talked numerous times and had a fight or two in the middle trying to figure everything out. I learned some hard truths in the middle of one of our conversations. I kind of knew it but it was confirmed. (This is a completely different topic.) I like most people with bipolar disorder have one of a few different problems which is in the bedroom. Hypersexuality wasn’t a bipolar trait I harness. So that issue has always been a problem. (This goes with something else that happened.) and we got in this cycle where it wasn’t love it just happened because, I didn’t enjoy it and I wanted it to be over. I felt like this was a fix to make it all better and if this was happening it meant everything was okay which also wasn’t true. (Marriage, children, sex, money don’t fix relationships.) It was the moment he told me that he didn’t know if he could get intimate with me again did I realize that those moments when it wasn’t a quick one and done that I did enjoy it and how I missed that time with him. I cried and prayed begging for me to have it back. I wanted it all and that’s when I realized just how badly I messed up.
It took until his birthday until things started to feel semi-normal again. It’s been almost 3 months and things are better now. I stopped saying I can’t and instead using “I’m struggling with.” I’ve also started working on not redirecting anger and blame on him when I’m the one guilty and struggling. I know some of you mentioned therapy, but I’ve never had a good experience with therapists. Our conversations aren’t so one sided and much more open. He had 4 simple request that I work on.
1.) Get up before 7:30
2.) Eat breakfast
3.) Help clean around the house
4.) Walk the dog.
I don’t know if it gets easier than this, but I’ve done all 4 and I am in much better headspace. I’ve focused on losing weight and doing little things of self-care to help boost my confidence (I had none which is why I was so co-dependent.) We knew this wouldn’t be an overnight fix but I’m taking baby steps to get there. I’ll be damned if this illness will make me lose everything I love. If only I could remind myself of that when I’m in a bad place, but this is the update. I am working on undoing what I caused.

The asshole tattoo

On the palm of my hand there is a tattoo of a semicolon with a wing it is about the size of a quarter and when people ask why there I say in 2017 because of my job they said if the tattoo was the size of a quarter or smaller we didn’t have to cover it now matter where it was. See that reason is much easier than the real story. (Part of the appeal of the tattoo right there was to be an asshole) but it has so much more meaning.

This tattoo has a special place in my heart for several reasons. In 2017 I struggled with my addiction issues, recently losing a family member, and horrible rapid cycling that caused me to make a lot of impulsive and bad decisions. I got this tattoo along with the Smile now, cry later. I was so out of it I forgot he was working on a tattoo and tried to get it. I was so numb to everything and kept popping pills hoping they would solve all my problems. I remember at that moment wanting to feel something so I asked him to do the tattoo and when he asked where I remember seeing it on the palm of the hand and thought that if I let him tattoo in that spot I would finally be able to feel something, I didn’t want to be numb anymore. He told me he had to press hard to keep it from fading and I told him as hard as you can. I felt it probably not as much as expected but I was so happy that I got to feel something. It was a week after my birthday that I attempted suicide again. (This was the Facebook live situation and you know the rest of the story on how that ended.)

It might be small and in an odd place but whoever I look at it I remember the moment when everything fell apart it was the only piece of feeling I had.

I fucked up bad this time

As I write this my heart still hurts. I’ve not been feeling well lately my moods have me going in all different directions which has also caused a lack of sleep and my mouth has outrun my brain again. This causes terrible fights and even though my husband is saint everyone has a breaking point and I hit it again. The last time this happened 2017 I was self medicating with pills and overdosed which ended with him kicking me out of the house for three days and it was rough for awhile but I was so numb back then I didn’t really feel it but this time I do.

This last one was bad I told him he didn’t understand anything (the only person who has been here through everything and knows me better than anyone else) and I was so angry and what was so bad is I wasn’t even angry with him I was angry with myself and this mood swing but fml I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I need to talk to him before things got to that point and I said some extremely hurtful and stupid things I can’t take back so now I am sitting in this situation.

It started on Thursday when I left for work and I could tell he was irritated but instead of leaving it alone and going to work I had to call him before I got there and this started the downfall. I was so aggressive and quick to blame him for my mistakes, insecurities, feelings that I wanted to talk to him about but chose the wrong everything to do it. He’s made it clear that I need to make some changes before anything returns to normal again but I am on God’s grace right now because he could’ve said I’m done with this and I want a divorce but he didn’t. I felt it in my heart that it was going to happen so instead of working on ways of fixing I begged and pleaded with him to stay with me and that time of uncertainty I couldn’t eat, sleep, everything made me cry. All of these emotions I’ve fought with for the last few weeks the ones that I managed to numb came out and I felt everything. My anxiety was probably the worse it has been in five years. I just fell apart but I am working on it but thinking that he doesn’t look at me the way he used to still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I have the ability to fix it but the problem is my codependency issues. He’s always reassured me that everything will be okay and we will figure it out but he said he isn’t helping me and I have to learn to cope with things and self soothe (which is so hard.) I have to become more confident in what I am doing and who I am.

I’ve caused this problem and right now it feels impossible to fix it but this is the hard part. I have to know that it will work out and I have to be the one who shows it first.

Distress Tolerance: Self Soothe – DBT UP: DBT United Peers

This is what I couldn’t say

This is what I don’t know how to say and since you don’t like all the fluff in the middle I will list them for you.

1.) I am numb

2.) I am sad (yes you can be both.)

3.) My suicidal thoughts are getting worse.

4.) I can’t trust myself to be alone

5.) 7/30/15 was attempted suicide that changed everything.

6.) That guilt I have from it is overwhelming

7.) I don’t know how to express myself

8.) I waited until it exploded.

9.) I have disassociation issues

10.) I’ve cried on the bathroom floor at 3 am

11.) I have an album on my phone titled “Remember what you’re fighting for.”

12.) I really want to self medicate

13.) I’m trying but it feels like I’m failing

14.) I don’t know what to do anymore

15.) I’m still here by the grace of God.

It’s time to see the psych again.

I’ve actively avoided him for as long as possible but they won’t refill my meds until I see him. This whole process is a chore in itself, getting the day off work, making sure my husband can pick up our daughter driving the 45+ minutes to get here and I dread it. This time I had to pay for a past balance before they would schedule the appointment only to walk in and here you still owe a balance. I lost my cool a little and feel bad for the girl behind the desk. I had paid the balance so they would give me a 30 day supply of medication. I had a balance because my amazing psychiatrist was out due to personal reasons and also COVID was on its first phase of shut downs so I had to talk to this asshole via zoom which sucked. He didn’t listen to a word I said he just kept pushing my meds and new meds because I needed a change. The feed kept freezing and he wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to talk every time he asked me a question it was like “How are you feeling?” “I am feeling….” “You need something besides Lamictal…” How in the world would you know that after you barely asked me a question and didn’t let me respond. I called back and told them that I would rather go without meds than talk to that jackass ever again. I think we were prepared for the conversation though. I don’t know if they heard me fuss at him or he complained about me but alas it is that time again. I am glad I was given the option to go in the office. I know that with just a few hiccups I’ve been okay but it is always an uneasy feeling… Here goes nothing

Godspeed Jolene

As I sit here writing this my car is currently on jacks the hood, trunk, and drivers side door wide open my gas tank on the shop floor if only it were my fuel pump but it isn’t and as I watch them my heart is breaking.

It isn’t just a car to me. I can tell you where every ding, scratch, and the stain is from, my salt life sticker I picked out when we were in Pensacola after a trip to Orange Beach Alabama even though we don’t live anywhere near a beach. My initials crooked on the back glass, my beads are from the AFSP walk along with a discolored brown and pink polka dot ribbon I bought for my daughter but that it looked better on my mirror. I remember driving my husband’s old beat up green S-10 with no insulation and holes in the floor board. The seat was nothing more than pieces of wood and I had to sit all the way forward just to drive it. The gas hand didn’t work so you had to guess when it needed gas and a “security” switch (it had to be hard wired because of a problem with the ignition switch.) but it got me to work and home amazingly with minimal problems. I’ll never forget the day I went to the car dealership and drove my car for the first time. I fell in love and I had to have it.

I remember going to Jacksonville Florida just a week after we bought it. I had Sirius radio for free and drove all night drinking red bull and berry smoothies from McDonald’s we fell asleep in the beach and got so sunburned. This car drove all the way to Naples, Florida and back which is a 9 hour drive. We took it on all the family vacations but it was there for me. It was there for me when I needed to scream at the steering wheel when I had a bad day, it took me to the drs appointment and later to and from the psych hospital. I drove it when I was high, manic and severely depressed. It took me to my spot on the lake where I sat on the same concrete making my suicide videos. It survived all the times I drove high especially the few times I ran off the road, all the times I almost rear ended someone trying to find the perfect song on my phone. It survived every move, angry fight when I sped off or took my computer hid in my car crying.

Godspeed Jolene you were an emotional attachment I wasn’t ready to let you go yet especially with the new job but know that you will always have a place in my heart. I have emotional attachment issues so this one hit me hard.

Conversations from the treadmill

Somewhere between 2Pac and Valerie Carter, drenched in sweat at a 7.5 incline with 2.8 speed my brain and I had a come to Jesus meeting. I’ve struggled the last couple of weeks last week being the worst with my depression. I’ve also hid it the best that I could and if you’ve dealt with mental health issues for as long as I have you know how to turn your illness into a “migraine” “stomach virus” or any other physical illness because saying, “I’m depressed.” Comes with so many questions you just don’t want to answer because for some reason you just can’t be depressed without a reason. I never understood why that is I think it’s just a stigma people don’t realize. (That’s another topic.)

I said things to myself that if anyone who didn’t struggle with this said to me it would piss me off. “You’ve dealt with worse. You’ve got to suck it up we’ve done so well with avoiding melt downs. I know right now working out feels like torture but you have to just sitting around the house makes it worse. Last week sucked but this week we are going to do better. We are going to shower more than once, brush our hair and teeth every day. Get out of bed on time put on makeup because we always feel better when we do. I know you hate it but you might have to force that smile. You around people who aren’t use to you and don’t know what you are going through maybe if they did they would treat you better but I doubt it. You are a badass who went through a complete breakdown, overdose got kicked out of the house, detoxed and never missed a day of work even if you were late. I know you can do it you just have to focus. It’s hard to focus but I need you to try. You have stereotyped yourself so much you want to punch yourself in the face but I know what you are capable of and I know what you’ve been through this isn’t something you need to worry anyone else with because you can do this. I love your crazy ass and the fact that I can say that now is a huge improvement. Just fight it okay.” That sums up the conversation I had with myself. I left out some of the swears and other personal details but I have learned to love myself some and I think that makes times like these easier.

Do you have these conversations with yourself?