Tag: playing catch up

Photo Day 11 To the right

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I love this lamp. It has traveled many times and survived endless boxes from moving. I got the lamp in 2004 when my husband and I lived in Athens. The horrible terrible thing had happened already and I was in an alternate universe. My mom came and took me to Pier 1 and told me to pick something out and that lamp was the first thing to catch my eye. My grandma covered the shade with black polka dots to match a different decor. It has since find a way to my nightstand. My husband said one of the qualities he loves about me is my sentimental value to everything. I realize this can be unhealthy but with my memory fading I need those little things to help remind me of good and bad times.

Grateful Challenge Day 11 Time of Day: Beach sunrises are breathtaking

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I love watching the sunrise there is something so calming about watching the sun peek over the horizon. The translucent colors beaming around the sky. If we are ever vacationing at the beach I get up early every morning to watch the sunrise. It is a close to God that I will ever feel. I feel at peace with everything and I feel like there He can hear me best. I have a dozen videos of the sunrise and pictures. When you see something so beautiful and bigger than everything around you it can help place things in perspective. Sometimes when I am having really bad episodes I find my videos and remember when we were on vacation all the fun we had and the serenity of my life. Sometimes with this disease it feels impossible to find a safe haven or something that will help you and I’m so grateful for mine.

Grateful Challenge 10 The book that changed my mindset

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I don’t like to read. I feel like I never have time and if I’m not interested about 10 pages in I stop reading it. These are odd words coming from someone who dreams of being an author. There is a large number of books I’ve read and of course the classics we were made to read in school. I will say that most of them required a lot of grit your teeth and make it through enough to sort of pass the test. If you have enough for context clues you can figure it out. This theory actually worked 95.2134 percent of the time. The one time it didn’t work and would never work is Greek Mythology. The only reason I passed any of those test is because I studied 15 minutes before the test and memorized it. (I use to have a kick ass memory.)

Now for this book. I am currently not in the mandatory therapy I am supposed to be in nor do I like self help books but this book made me feel better about every bad decision and all the issues I’ve gone through. Girl, Wash Your Face is not exactly a self help book but more like yeah I did that and the reason made sense but it is possible for me to change those habits. She doesn’t try to tell you how everything you’ve done in your life up to this point is okay because we can change. Our life isn’t over it can reset when we need it to and we can make the decision to change the path we are on. It is because of this that I started this blog and a little over 2 months later my success is incredible and it at or seem like much but to me it is a BUG DEAL!!

Photo Day 7 Arranged photos

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This was hard to do because I don’t like photos that were arranged I think good pictures should be random because random is amazing. The picture I really want use I can’t because of the place I go. So I dug through all of my pictures to find something that is mildly arranged. It took me awhile to find but it is coffee and donuts so yay!!!!

Grateful Day 6 – A random memory that makes me smile

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So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.

🖤 Weekly update 7 🖤

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– Diet is still no happening

– No sodas still

– I’m working on the Grateful and Photo challenge as fillers until I can post some of my normal posts. I don’t want to not post anything but they are interesting if you give them a read.

– I keep talking about this giveaway and I promise I’m posting something about it today!!!

– I have a list of topics to discuss and some of them come from my Instagram if you want to check it out.

– I am still trying to figure out how these 20 and younger are making money off of this stuff. I’m doing something wrong

– I’ve been working on the book. Who would’ve thought that I am working on the very thing that I want to be known for.

– I thought about doing some podcasts but I’m not sure at this point.

-I have a big post about the walk coming out today. It has some videos and pictures. Look for it to drop soon. 👇✍️

-PLEASE COMMENT!! I want to know what I’m doing right and what I need to improve on to make sure you are getting good content.

– See you next week!!!

AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)

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This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.

For one year:

I was sober.

I stopped drinking soft drinks

I stopped self medicating

I found a healthier outlet for my problems

I wasn’t suicidal

I learned how not to be selfish

I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.

I finally let go and let God.

I learned how to love myself. 🖤

I learned I am worth it.

I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.

Cami wants to be with me.

She doesn’t worry as much

I let go of toxic people.

I learned boundaries.

I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.

I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.

I raised $667 😮😃

I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)

I have a fairly large Instagram following.

People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.

I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.

My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.

🖤Forever a fighter🖤

They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it.

Grateful Day 4 It is the little things- a Trinket

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This was my great grandmothers necklace. She gave this to me when she passed away and at the time I wasn’t a believer so I threw it in a jewelry box, never thought about it again until 2015 when my life turned to a complete rock bottom I didn’t know how to get myself out of. I found this right before I was baptized and wore it when I was baptized. It now holds great meaning to me. I found my way back in my life when I needed it most. It is something that I can’t wait to pass down to my daughter.

Grateful Day 2 My favorite place.

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I have 2 biggest places that are my favorite they are also my hiding places so I can’t show them to you without incriminating myself so I decided to post my favorite place for the family to go, Amelia Island. We go every year for the past 3 years sometimes twice a year. We do the same things but there is something so relaxing about being there. It’s my little peace of heaven.

Grateful Day 1 a My absolute favorite person

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I’ve told everyone before that I won’t really show any pictures of my daughter so here is a picture of her without a face. I bought her that shirt at the event. I never thought I could loves someone as much as I love her. She cried as we held up our beads with pride on Sunday.

She makes me proud and I love everything about her but I’m amazed through everything she is a good person and that’s all I ask for.