I cleaned to avoid dealing with my problems and it worked….some

Today I decided to clean the house. I am just stressed out about so much stuff and needed a way to deal with it. So I started mopping, doing laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned out my makeup, swept, cleaned the kitchen, took the trash out. It helped for a little while to focus on something else. It made me feel better at least for a little while. I went to Dollar General (the only store we have) and got more cleaning supplies and I made a friend with a Hispanic lady staring at Scrubbing Bubbles with me well I thought we were friends until she started handing out her business card. So if you read this I don’t want you to clean my house and you shouldn’t solicit people you are weak and tired down the cleaning aisle. I filled my cart with cleaning supplies (see picture below) and I had two people walk by me saying, “Oh you must be cleaning do you want to clean my house too?” I was nice the first time the last time I said, “No I am just buying them because I want people to think I clean my house but hey there is a lady down the scrubbing bubbles aisle handing out her business card you should go talk to her. The fuck people.

Wayne was impressed with all the cleaning I did and I was impressed with myself. It made me tired which was okay because it meant that I might get to sleep. I also found “The Torkelsons” on Youtube which makes me extra excited. I used to love that show especially Dorothy Jane because when she talked to the man on the moon about her hopes and dreams I would do the same. She was a hopeless romantic like me. Sometimes you have to bring in the old to make you feel better.

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I need more friends to understand that I still want to be invited I’m just not going.

The Monday excitement of having the next two days off as started and 3:00 won’t get here fast enough. Someone I am close to and love is leaving and they are having a going away party for them today and I can’t bring myself to go. I know comments will be made that they are so close and she couldn’t bother to show up but fuck people. It is so hard for me to socialize sometimes especially since I have to at work. I am exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I wanted to go but I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I feel like my depression is getting better and if I force myself into a situation that I’m not ready for it will get bad again. I am trying to win this fight in my mind and sometimes it requires you to be a little selfish. I just want to smile again.

Staying up late

FUCKING TIME CHANGE!!!!

I had so much fun last night but I am exhausted. I am definitely paying for it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I did not get much sleep last night and with no help from my old friend caffeine it looks like I won’t have much energy today. I wouldn’t change yesterday for anything but I also need to work on damn impulsive version of me. Dam you brain and your bad decisions. You knew the time change happened but you didn’t care. What am I going to do with you. Good job dumbass. I will be so happy when I am done at work and can go back home to sleep. Hopefully my body is tired and sick of my shit and says nope we are sleeping. I wonder if I listen to Samuel L. Jackson read Go the fuck to sleep it would help.

Time spent with family is worth every second.

I am still not sleeping well. My dreams are horrible and at this point I am about to give up on ever sleeping like a normal person. These dreams are starting to fuck up my head and I’m seeing shit that I shouldn’t be. I made it through work and couldn’t wait to leave so I could spend time with Wayne and our daughter. We went to Athens so Wayne could get his haircut but he couldn’t but we still went to Woks Up ate stir fry went to Guitar Center and Planet Smoothie. We finished the evening shopping at Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby they always have things on clearance. We are redecorating the house and I finally feel like redecorating. I used to love decorating but. I had a baby lost myself so I haven’t really started it again. I am excited to start again. This is our house and will always be our house. I am excited to give it some much needed improvements, but by far the greatest part of the evening is laughing and being with them. They are mood improvements. I have to be at work super early in the morning but I don’t care. I would change this for anything in the world.

Night terrors suck a fat one but I will make it through.

I wrote about this twice already but since it isn’t my daily post I will add to it. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept dreaming and every time I would wake up I went back to sleep thinking it was over but nope it kept going from where it left off. I even got up got something to drink watched something on my phone that was happy and went back to sleep and it still happened. I don’t get where these fucking nightmares are coming from and I really wish they would go the fuck away. I am so sick of having this problem and not being able to sleep. I can’t talk about it with people because the one up asshat will make it all about her again. I am also not allowed to really talk about it with certain people because it makes them uncomfortable. It is amazing to be me sometimes. I am exhausted and I’m overworking my body just to function. There is only so much my body can handle and my mind is slowly killing it.

The good thing was I left work early and went to DQ with Wayne for lunch and we sat and talked for the longest time. He always knows how to make me feel better. We talked about my dreams and how to handle it and he told me he was proud of me for not going back to old habits and talking about it but not letting it take me over. I love talking to him be makes life better. 🖤

Hey you! I’m proud of you.

I’m proud of you.

I’m proud of you for getting up and going to work this morning with no sleep.

I’m proud of you for functioning with no sleep and being productive.

I’m proud of you for washing and conditioning your hair for the first time in maybe 4 days.

I’m proud of you for brushing your hair and getting that birds nest untangled.

I’m proud of you for washing your face.

I’m proud of you for doing laundry.

I’m proud of you for surviving and knowing that today was a bad day but it will get better.

I’m proud of you for not going back to bad habits.

I’m proud of you for talking it out and not holding it in.

I’m just so fucking proud of how you are handling everything. You are an amazing and strong person.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from the dreams last night.

I watched you get tortured over and over again and I couldn’t stop it.

I tried please believe me when I tell you I tried but I could never reach you.

The ground crumbled with every step I took it wouldn’t let me near you.

I watched you drown in the blackness I kept screaming to just hold on a little longer so I could save you but the darkness silenced my cries.

I know you are still in there somewhere stuck in the darkness that surrounds you but listen for my voice. I will guide you back to the light.

I need you to promise me that you won’t give in.

It may take a while but I will find you again. I will hold you until your wounds disappear.

Please be okay. I love you.

(I had a rough night last night with dreams and this is a “poem” to myself reminding me not to go and don’t let my illness win.)

Trying to one up someone

Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…

Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Me:…….
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.

True story.

My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.