JTT- Jonathan Taylor Thomas (I am a 90’s kid) It wasn’t Home Improvement for me it was Tom and Huck with himself and Brad Renfro and then of course how awesome was he was in Lion King and every countless Disney movie he played in after. I was part of his fan club and obsessed over every single magazine, book, cd and anything else with his voice and his picture . My wall was covered with his pictures and you know as we all thought as children I was going to marry him. I think these childhood crushes are a healthy part of growing up. I know this new generation BOP magazine isn’t the popular thing anymore, but social media is a good way to keep up with the celebs. He was on Last Man Standing and he just keeps getting better looking with age……just don’t tell my hubby. 🖤
Tag: read me
🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)
I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.
Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?
This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.
The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.
The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.
I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease
Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.
My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.
This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.
My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.
🖤
🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤
As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.
🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.
🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.
🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.
🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy
🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.
🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.
🖤DAY 3🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD)
Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.
OCD is a neurologically based disorder characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that the child realizes are senseless. OCD may start at age five or six, sometimes even earlier. OCD results from a deficiency of a neurotransmitter, serotonin, in specific areas of the brain. (New research suggests that the more severe forms of the condition, in which obsessive thoughts “lock” and cannot be relieved, involve more than a neurotransmitter shortfall.) OCD is treated with an SSRI, which increases serotonin levels in the brain.
Obsessions can take many forms: repetitive words, thoughts, fears, memories, pictures. Compulsive behaviors, such as hand-washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, are performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Obsessions and compulsions are often viewed as being unnecessary, but they can’t be stopped. Although doing these “rituals” provides only temporary relief, not doing them dramatically increases anxiety.
Counting or repeating: the need to touch something a certain number of times; the need to repeat a specific behavior or pattern of behaviors
Checking or questioning: the need to check and recheck something (e.g., whether the stove is off, the car keys are on the key rack, the closet light is off)
Arranging and organizing: the need to tie shoes or to dress or undress in a certain sequence; the need to organize toys, dolls, or other items in a certain way; becoming upset if anything is changed
Collecting or hoarding: saving books, magazines, ticket stubs, birthday cards, or other items in the belief that they are important and cannot be thrown away
Cleaning and/or washing: the need to lather and rinse an exact number of times in the shower or to brush one’s hair a certain number of times in a pattern
“Preening”: behaviors that “must be done,” even if the result is discomfort or pain. Examples are nail or cuticle biting, picking at sores or scabs, twirling or pulling hair, eye-brows, or eyelashes, “cleaning off” dry skin.
The most frequent worries in children and adolescents are about picking up germs and becoming sick or dying, or about getting sick and throwing up. Other fears include: If I don’t act/do a specific behavior: I will lose someone’s love; I will fail a test; God may punish me; a natural disaster will occur.
When most of us think of OCD, we think of that super neat freak in our lives, or the germaphobe who uses tons of hand sanitizer. But rarely do we think of someone who stands in their living room flipping a light switch on and off precisely 21 times. That last example is getting closer to some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD.
More common forms of OCD include checking, hand washing, craving symmetry, and fearing contamination. And of course these are distressing and time-consuming aspects of the disorder. But they aren’t the whole picture. Here are a few lesser known symptoms of OCD that you may not have considered, whether you suffer with the disorder or not.
1. You’re Convinced You’ll Go Snap At Any Moment
Some OCD sufferers have a problem with impulse control, or at least they think they do. This means they live with a fear that they’ll do something unforgivable at any moment, even though they probably won’t. As Allen H. Weg said in Psychology Today, “This involves the obsession that one will act out in some way, temporarily ‘go insane’ and then just as quickly ‘snap out of it’ and then be stuck with the consequences of their actions.” People may fear they’ll steal from a store, blurt out something rude in public, or even hurt their family. In an effort to prevent anything bad from happening, sufferers will often take great pains to prevent catastrophe by staying home, or by hiding sharp objects from themselves, according to Weg.
2. You’re Sure You’ll Hit Someone With Your Car
Many OCD sufferers check things — they’ll check a dozen times that they locked a door, turned off the stove, or blew out a candle. But some sufferers have what’s known as Hit And Run OCD, or MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident) OCD. According to Weg, “Drivers obsess that maybe they hit someone without realizing it when driving, and then drive back repeatedly to check the area for bodies and/or police or ambulance activity. They will then go home and check the papers and local TV reports for stories about hit-and-run accidents.” Very distressing indeed.
3. You Have A Magical Way Of Thinking, And Rituals To Go Along With It
Most OCD symptoms involve some sort of magical thinking, but this is especially true when it comes to performing rituals. For example, you may get a certain number stuck in your head and have to do things that many times. It can be especially maddening because your ritual must be performed perfectly, or else it “won’t work.” As noted by Fred Penzel, Ph.D., on BeyondOCD.com, “… The steps of the compulsive ritual must be kept rigidly ‘pure’ and perfect, and cannot vary … Additionally, rituals must be performed while in the correct state of mind, with no interfering ‘bad’ or wayward thoughts. Because anxiety typically hampers the performance of almost anything, sufferers generally find it very difficult to get their rituals to be perfect.” Basically, if the steps are done in the wrong order, if something is forgotten, or if the person thinks of an unpleasant image during the ritual, then the magic is destroyed and the ritual must start over.
4. You Get Violent Thoughts Stuck In Your Head, Even Though They Scare You
The very nature of being obsessive is that you can’t get certain thoughts out of your head. But sometimes a different type of thought invades your mind, and it may be of a disturbing nature. These thoughts are particularly violent and gory, and even though they are distressing, the sufferer can’t get them out of their mind. According to a website dedicated to the disorder called OCDUK.org, “Because the intrusive thoughts are repetitive and not voluntarily produced, they cause the sufferer extreme distress — the very idea that they are capable of having such thoughts in the first place can be horrifying. However … people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are the least likely people to actually act on the thoughts, partly because they find them so repugnant and go to great lengths to avoid them and prevent them happening.”
5. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Perverted Things, Even If You Want To
We all have a gross thought or a sexy daydream from time to time, but rarely are they unwanted. Some OCD sufferers on the other hand, have these thoughts, but they can often get out of hand. According to Monica T. Williams in Psychology Today, “Unwanted sexual thoughts are common, and most people are able to dismiss an occasional bothersome thought. However, people with OCD cannot rid themselves of unwanted thoughts, and when the content is sexual in nature, the obsessions can be especially upsetting.”
6. Sometimes You Become Obsessed With The Thought Of A Catastrophic Event
Some people with OCD will be walking down the street when suddenly they’re struck with the thought of getting hit by a car. They may be perfectly safe on the sidewalk, but the idea is still there. They then spend several upsetting moments, or even the rest of the day, ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes, according to Ron Breazeale, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. It’s like having a scary movie playing in your head, and the main character is you.
OCD shows itself in many ways, from the typical hand washing and cleaning, to the more obscure symptoms — such as magical thinking, or fearing you’ll go insane. Either way, OCD can be downright distressing. If you think you’re suffering with the disorder, talk to your doctor about what steps to take next.
Sources:
Bustle.com
🖤Weekly Update 3 🖤
I am a day behind on my weekly updates!
🖤 I have at least 4 new post coming including my mental health week post, my 31 day challenge, my current mental state and a few others.
🖤My moods are kind of jumping and this is the first time I’m really dealing with it since I stopped self medicating and it is really fucking hard to do.
🖤 I have some info on my social media accounts and some questions for people who’ve used WordPress for awhile about getting it set up properly. The current set up is messy and bothering me.
🖤 For people who’ve decided to tell me that my blog is rather depressing….suck my dick. No I don’t actually have a dick but still suck my dick. Mental health isn’t usually find with rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. It’s some hardcore shit. If you can’t handle deuces bitch.
🖤 I do have a few more light hearted post about my previous jobs. They won’t be as good as Wally World but they are still awesome.
🖤I am trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs and I’ve realized I’ve read a lot of them and forgot to hit the like button.
🖤 We are going to try and make this a great week.
🖤 If my post don’t have a copyright I got them from Google.
🖤
🖤Day 7🖤 10 favorite foods
I know I should’ve posted this yesterday but I wasn’t feeling great. (I will talk about that in a different post)
My 10 favorite foods: I am going to try and not repeat the foods with different names.
🖤 Italian Deli Meats- Pancetta, Prosciutto, hard Salami, Pepperoni to name a few and I can eat them without bread or cheese just straight out of the bag while I’m watching tv or writing.
🖤 Cheese- Smoked Gouda, Havart (with dill), Gorgonzola, Brie, Blue Cheese….the list goes on I can also just eat these by themselves no extra effort needed.
🖤 Pizza- I could live off of pizzas if I knew I wouldn’t become severely overweight. I love any and all kinds except Hawaiian (never cares for pineapples) I can eat an entire large pizza in one sitting…. great now I want pizza.
🖤Cucumbers- Is there ever a bad time for cucumbers? I can go to the store and buy 5 or 6 of them and they may last two days. If I want to get creative I will take those, olives (next on my list) my deli meats and some cheeses to make an epic bowl of goodness.
🖤 Olives (black olives) I can eat them by themselves I like the green but prefer black olives. There is something about the tanginess and a bit bitter that I enjoy so much.
🖤 chocolate mint- Any and everything chocolate mint tastes so good. I prefer it with dark chocolate (the Hershey bars) but you can’t go wrong with a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is one of the few sweet foods I like
🖤 Steak- If I have extra money and want to go big balling I will buy steak. I will my steak still bleeding but not mooing. Filet tips are my favorite mix it in with a good sauce and sauté some mushrooms. It doesn’t get much better than that.
🖤 Risotto- Rosemary Brie from my favorite restaurant or any other kind I’m not picky. I wish I had the patience to make it, but I don’t so I just buy it from people who do. If you’ve never tried Risotto I would recommend it.
🖤 Pasta- Can you go wrong with a good lasagna some tortellinis filled with spinach. The answer is no you can’t go wrong with any type of pasta.
🖤Slim Jim’s and beef jerky- I’m not not fond of sweets. I, however LOVE slim Jim’s, almost every type of jerky.
These list are hard to do. 
🖤Mental Health Week🖤 DAY 1 Eating Disorders
Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.
-EATING DISORDERS-
1. Anorexia Nervosa
People who have anorexia will deliberately restrict their food and caloric intake in order to achieve an abnormally low body weight. If left untreated, this disorder can prove fatal.
This eating disorder affects 0.4-percent of adolescents and young women. However it is estimated that more than 4-percent of all women will struggle with anorexia nervosa over the course of their lifetime.
People with anorexia nervosa may see themselves as overweight, even when they are dangerously underweight. People with anorexia nervosa typically weigh themselves repeatedly, severely restrict the amount of food they eat, and eat very small quantities of only certain foods. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder. While many young women and men with this disorder die from complications associated with starvation, others die of suicide. In women, suicide is much more common in those with anorexia than with most other mental disorders.
Symptoms include:
Extremely restricted eating
Extreme thinness (emaciation)
A relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight
Intense fear of gaining weight
Distorted body image, a self-esteem that is heavily influenced by perceptions of body weight and shape, or a denial of the seriousness of low body weight
Other symptoms may develop over time, including:
Thinning of the bones (osteopenia or osteoporosis)
Mild anemia and muscle wasting and weakness
Brittle hair and nails
Dry and yellowish skin
Growth of fine hair all over the body (lanugo)
Severe constipation
Low blood pressure, slowed breathing and pulse
Damage to the structure and function of the heart
Brain damage
Multiorgan failure
Drop in internal body temperature, causing a person to feel cold all the time
Lethargy, sluggishness, or feeling tired all the time
Infertility
2. Bulimia Nervosa
Bulimics tend to binge on large amounts of rich, calorie laden foods and then engage in behaviors to purge this food from their body. These behaviors can include self-induced vomiting or misuse of over the counter laxatives.
Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder affects 1.3-percent of adolescents and young women. An additional 0.7-percent of older women will develop this disorder over the course of their life.
People with bulimia nervosa have recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food and feeling a lack of control over these episodes. This binge-eating is followed by behavior that compensates for the overeating such as forced vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics, fasting, excessive exercise, or a combination of these behaviors. Unlike anorexia nervosa, people with bulimia nervosa usually maintain what is considered a healthy or relatively normal weight.
Symptoms include:
Chronically inflamed and sore throat
Swollen salivary glands in the neck and jaw area
Worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acid
Acid reflux disorder and other gastrointestinal problems
Intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
Severe dehydration from purging of fluids
Electrolyte imbalance (too low or too high levels of sodium, calcium, potassium and other minerals) which can lead to stroke or heart attack
3. Binge Eating Disorder
This disorder is characterized by eating excessively large amounts of high calorie food in a very short period of time. The Mayo Clinic defines binge-eating disorder as “a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating.”
It is estimated that 1.6-percent of women and 0.8-percent of men worldwide are afflicted by binge eating disorder. A further 0.4-percent of women middle aged and older women will develop this disorder.
One of the primary signs of binge eating disorder is that the individual will consume an abnormally large amount of food within a short time, typically a two-hour period. In some cases, MedicalNewsToday.com says, “10,000 to 20,000 calories of food may be consumed in one bout of bingeing,”
According to EatingDisorderHope.com, the reason for this bingeing is they never experience satiation “the state of being satisfied, no matter the amount of food consumed.”
People with binge-eating disorder lose control over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia nervosa, periods of binge-eating are not followed by purging, excessive exercise, or fasting. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder often are overweight or obese. Binge-eating disorder is the most common eating disorder in the U.S.
Symptoms include:
Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time
Eating even when you’re full or not hungry
Eating fast during binge episodes
Eating until you’re uncomfortably full
Eating alone or in secret to avoid embarrassment
Feeling distressed, ashamed, or guilty about your eating
Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss
4. Cognitive Distortions Associated with Anorexia
Distorted thoughts about food, weight, and body image are central to those affected by this disorder. Patients may feel they should be perfect, which gives rise to all or nothing thinking. This in turn gives rise to obsessive perfectionism in regards to attaining the “ideal” body.
Sufferers may also reject the positive in that they see all fats and calories as negative. Anorexics also tend to unfavorably compare themselves to others, label foods as fattening, and catastrophize about weight gain. If they gain a pound, it’s the end of the world and nobody will like them.
5. Physiology and Anorexia
Food is the body’s first choice of fuel. If inadequate nutrients are eaten, then the body breaks down fat stores. Once these are depleted the body begins to break down muscle tissue. This results in the production of ketones, which enter the bloodstream and cross the blood-brain barrier.
When this happens, a person’s ability to think rationally is severely compromised. This is why patients suffering from extreme case of anorexia nervosa are hospitalized and force fed intravenously and with a gastric tube. Their lives are in danger, and psychotherapy will be ineffective until their weight is stabilized and ketones are no longer flooding the brain.
6. Pica
According to Wikipedia, pica “is characterized by an appetite for substances that are largely non-nutritive, such as paper, clay, drywall or paint.” Pica is frequently seen in developmentally challenged individuals who exhibit persistent and compulsive symptoms for more than 4 weeks.
Pica is a common disorder in children with mental disability, brain injuries, or autism. Approximately 10 to 30-percent of children between 1 and 6-years of age are affected by this disorder.
7. Rumination Disorder
This disorder is characterized by a normal intake of food followed by immediate regurgitation into the mouth and re-chewing of the food. The food is often swallowed again and occasionally spit out. Rumination disorder is most common in infants between the ages of 3 to 12 months and cognitively impaired children.
Rumination disorder may be caused by illness, abuse, stress, or as a means to gain attention. Rumination disorder can result in weight loss, dehydration, malnutrition, halitosis, tooth decay, indigestion, and chapped lips.
Eating Disorder Hotline Listings
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
This helpline offers support Monday–Thursday from 9 a.m.–9 p.m. EST, and Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. EST. You can expect to receive support, information, referrals, and guidance about treatment options for either you or your loved one. You can also contact this helpline through its online chat function, available on its website. Additionally, there is an option to send a text message if you are in crisis by texting NEDA to 741741; a trained volunteer from the Crisis Text Line will get in touch with you.
Something Fishy: 1-866-418-1207
This eating disorders helpline offers treatment referrals nationwide. Its website also provides a wealth of information and resources about eating disorders and eating disorder treatment. Through its website, you can join an online chat group where you can speak to others in your shoes to gain support, advice, and hope.
Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673
This is a hotline dedicated to serving anyone in crisis. Sometimes, people with eating disorders might feel so full of shame or self-hatred that they contemplate hurting themselves. If this is true for you, this hotline offers nationwide assistance and support from volunteers specifically trained in crisis intervention. You can talk to someone day or night about anything that’s troubling you, even if it’s not related to an eating disorder. You can also call if you need referrals to eating disorder treatment centers.
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 1-630-577-1330
Currently serving people in the United States, the hotline operates Monday–Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. CST, with plans for a 24/7 hotline coming soon. Trained hotline volunteers offer encouragement to those having problems around eating or binging, support for those who “need help getting through a meal,” and assistance to family members who have concerns that their loved one might have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous: 1-505-891-2664
This hotline is available to people worldwide who need a referral to an Overeaters Anonymous support meeting in their area. Contrary to popular belief, Overeaters Anonymous is not just for people who are concerned about eating too much; it is also intended for those who have anorexia, bulimia, food addiction, or any other type of eating disorder. If you are reluctant to attend an in-person meeting or are not geographically near one, its website offers you the option to participate in an online- or telephone-based support group.
Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (formerly the Massachusetts Eating Disorder Association): 1-617-558-1881
This organization offers education, information, referrals to clinicians who specialize in eating disorders, support groups, and additional services for people with eating disorders in the New England area. It also offers information about nationwide treatment centers and is available between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. EST, Monday–Friday.
The United Way’s 211.org: Call 2-1-1
The hotline is intended for anyone living in North America who has any type of crisis or who needs help locating specific resources, including information and referrals for eating disorder treatment. Available 24/7, it can offer information and referrals to treatment organizations in your area.
Crisis Textline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Available 24/7, 365 days a year, this organization helps people with eating disorders and other mental health issues by connecting callers with trained crisis volunteers who will provide confidential advice, support, and referrals if needed.
Thursday’s Child Eating Disorders Helpline: 1-866-628-7494
This organization offers 24/7 assistance and nationwide referrals to teens with eating disorders and other mental health or crisis situations. Thursday’s Child describes its hotlines as unique in that a live person always answers the phone, as opposed to some other hotlines that might first put a person on hold. It also offers a specific helpline for anorexia and for bulimia and binge eating disorder.
Sources:
Activehealth.com
Nigh.org
Bulimia.com
🖤Earliest childhood memory🖤 Day 4 (parents should have a fund for therapy instead of college)
My earliest childhood memory: I have quite a few.
The first one was when I was about 3 or 4 and I had one of those blow up punching bags that looked like a clown. I was outside playing with it and my mom told me to be careful since we were playing with the water hose and not to bring it back in the house, but I didn’t listen and I tried to walk up the small metal black steps and fell down popping my punching bag. I cried so hard but my dad bought me a new one.
When I was about 5 and my granny and granddaddy took me to the circus at a local gym area and we were riding back in their old box Chevy when “Black Velvet” came on and I remember falling in love with it. I sang it on the way back home and when we got back my sister told on me and I was told that was a bad song and I shouldn’t listen to it because I didn’t understand the lyrics.
Then there are the memories of people passing away. There was this doorway between the kitchen and living room in the mobile home I grew up in and I remember when family members would go to the hospital and my mom would rush in the doorway stand there and let out an exacerbated sigh. We knew what it meant. I saw so much death growing up it became a normal part of my life. When my dad died my mom had some neighbors pick us up from school they were watching “White men cant jump.” (I still can’t watch it) and playing Sonic 3. My mom called and told them to bring us home. My dad had an accident at work and he was supposed to come home that day, but when I ran in the house the hospital bed was empty and my mom was crying. I didn’t really cry instead I got peroxide for a splinter in my finger. I’ve never accepted death well.
I realize my childhood memories aren’t exciting but rather sad.
I have other ones of playgrounds black swings that were so hot it would burn the back of your legs, metal slides, sports, fires metal buckets cut in half, roasting marshmallows, my granny (even when her alcoholism got bad) picking from the garden, chasing my cousin down with the water hose, stealing matches and setting things on fire. My family was a bit fucked up (everyone has those stories) alcoholics, drug addicts, abuse, custody fights. You know the normal shit you grow up to tell your therapist.
🖤 20 fun facts about the bipolar outcast 🖤 DAY 2
🖤 I love deli meat more specifically Italian deli meat. I eat it straight out of the bag no bread needed.
🖤 I can watch every episode of Family Guy and The Simpsons repeatedly
🖤 I have a partial dentures (Blog topic)
🖤 People call me a human phone book (I memorize numbers easily)
🖤 I’ve had over 10 jobs most were big box retailers and a bank
🖤 I look like a large mouth bass when I sleep
🖤 I snore so loudly I can shake walls
🖤 I wipe my drink cans twice before I open it and still don’t open it completely
🖤 I don’t reheat leftovers
🖤 My best friend (who has a diagnosis like me) lives over 600 miles away and we’ve never met before. She saved my life and I call her Tater. ( don’t know where it came from.)
🖤 I am a Christian. My husband is a deacon at our church. We are extremely progressive in our beliefs.
🖤I have 8 tattoos and have sketched out the rest (blog post)
🖤 My moods have names.
🖤 I love to walk but not at the gym because I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel
🖤 My dr is currently in the process to try and stop my dreaming (my request)
🖤 My previous doctor threatened me many times with ECT.
🖤 My dream vacation is going to New York.
🖤 I don’t like politics AT ALL! My husband loves it so I take short naps in the middle of conversations.
🖤 I’ve gone more than 4.5 days without sleep
🖤 Amazon is my best friend
That was hard to do!
My writing process looks like this….
I need someone to come and make sense of my pile. The book is actually a trilogy (I don’t know if I would actually call it a trilogy?) I have some written and some a share drive all the parts are there I need it to be put together. Is there anyone who has any help or suggestions on what to do? I’m still terrified to show anyone my book. I get writers block very easily so it is hard to write sometimes.
I’ve always dreamed of being a writer, the first book I ever wrote and still have is a fan fiction of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn (I saw the Disney version and to this day can still repeat most of the lines.), I started and never finished my fan fiction of Fried Green Tomatoes and at just 12 years old decided I wanted to look like Idgie and made my mom take me shopping to buy clothes just like hers (I’ve burned most of the evidence). My life growing up wasn’t great, so I used these books and movies as an escape from the world around me. I think all of it prepared me for the book I am currently writing. This book (which is 6 years and counting) was and still is my escape from everything also my form of therapy. I’ve been through a lot and there are certain parts of my life I am not ready to talk about yet, as it pertains to me but for Lauren it can all happen to her.
I’m reaching for help and guidance!
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 